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Another Conductor Joke-How To Cook A Conductor.

 Orchestra musicians always love to tell jokes about conductors,those egotists of the classical music world. Here's great one.

How To Cook A Conductor: Ingredients: One large conductor,or two small assistant conductors. Ketchup. 26 large garlic cloves. Crisco or other solid vegetable shortening. Lard may be used. One cask of cheap wine. One lb. alfalfa sprouts. 2 lbs. of assorted yuppie food such as Tofu or yoghurt. One abused orchestra.

  First, catch a conductor ,and remove the tail and horns.Carefully separate the large ego and save it for the sauce. Remove any batone or pencils (on permanent loan from principal second violin) and long articulations .Remove the hearing aid(it never worked anyway) and discard. Examine your conductor carefully- many of them are mostly large intestine .If you have such a conductor,you will have to discard it and catch another conductor.

  Clean the conductor as you would a squid ,but do not separate tentacles from body. If you have an older conductor,such as one from a major orchestra or Summer music festival, you may wish to tenderize it by pounding the conductor on a rock with tymapni mallets or by smashing the conductor between two or three cymbals.

  Next, pour one half of the cask of wine into a bathtub and soak the conductor for at least 12 hours,except British, German and American ones, which can have a beery taste which some people like,and add the wine ,which might not marry with the flavor.Use your own judgement.

 When the conductor is sufficiently marinated, remove any clothes the conductor may be wearing and rub it all over with the garlic.Then cover your conductor with the crisco shortening,using vague,circular motions. Take care to cover every inch of the conductor with the shortening .If this looks like fun you can cover yourself with the crisco,too.

  Next,take your conductor and put as much music on as the stands will hold without falling over, and make sure that there are lots of really loud passages for every one, big loud chords for the winds,brass, lots of tremolos for the strings (Bruckner might be appropriate). Rehearse passages several times .Make sure the brass and winds are playing as loud as possible with the strings tremolo-ing and their highest speed.

 This should ensure adequate falmes for cooking your conductor. If not,insist on taking every repeat and be sure to add repeats in really long symphponies .You should choose your repertoire to have as many repeats as possible, but if you have pieces without any you should add some,claiming that you have seen the original but there was one passage that "looked like a repeat" which had been missed by every other fool who had looked at the score. If taking repeats does not generate sufficient flames, burn the complete score and parts to all the Bruckner symphonies.

  When the flames have died down to a medium inferno, place your conductor on top of the orchestra (they won't mind as they're used to it) ,until it is well tanned ,the hair turns back to its natural color and all of the fat has dripped out. Be sure not to overcook your conductor or it well end up tasting like stufed ham.Make a sauce by combining the ego,sprouts and ketchup to taste.

Place it all in the blender and puree until smooth. Sweeten with honey to taste, and carve the conductor as you would any turkey. Serve accompanied by the assorted yuppie foods and the wine with the sauce on the side.

  Warning: Due to environmental toxins present in conductor feeding areas, and extra high concentration of e coli,cryptosporidium, and other hazardous organisms associated with animal waste, the departements for conductor decimation (CDC) recommends that the consumption of conductors be limited to one per season. Overconsumption of conductors has been implicated in epidemiology of a virulent condition known as "Bataan Fever" .Symptoms include swelling of the brain, spasms in the extremities, delusions of competence and excessive longevity.

Posted: Sep 25 2010, 09:11 AM by the horn | with no comments
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