Zombie apocalypse: Only the strong will survive

We don't understand the whole zombie apocalypse thing. There are those among us who actually want one to happen – they really think it would be cool if the world were suddenly overrun with the living dead. There are those who want it to happen so they can prove they were ready. They've got militaristic weapons and bunkers and bomb shelters galore, and if any amongst the undead are dumb enough to get close, well, they can't be held responsible.

There are even people who dress like zombies and attend zombie functions or conventions – events that, we guess, are designed to give zombie aficionados a place to feel at home – or undead. Whatever. It's weird.

So we were thinking, out of all the modern day movie heroes we've seen on the big screen, who could handle a zombie apocalypse and how? Here's what we came up with…

• Kevin McCallister: First of all, Kevin has been left home alone at least twice that we know of, and he is hacked off about it. And we are all aware that this kid has an uncanny ability to improvise weaponry that is, to date, unparalleled. He's iced steps, used tar and nail traps, made homemade flame throwers, broken Christmas ornaments and even dangled paint cans strategically. 

The only drawback is that his escape plan involves zip-lining to his treehouse, which by the time he's got his house set up to fend off the hungry undead masses, his treehouse is full of, well, undead masses. Slap your cheeks little boy – you're dead.

• Baby: We all know that nobody puts Baby in a corner, and we're betting that includes zombies. She's at a remote resort which, by horror movie standards, is the optimum place for a showdown with the undead. But she's well-supplied with watermelons and she can jump over the zombies heads, just like she practiced with Johnny. She'll survive. 

• Harry Potter: Harry has magic, that's an obvious advantage. With just a few foolish wand-waves and a silly incantation or two, he could bring down the mass of undead attacking the castle. As for an escape plan, well, he could simply Accio his broom and boom – he's gone. Unless zombies can fly. Then he's in trouble. Seriously – he killed Lord Moldy Shorts…he can survive a few zombies.

Published Monday, February 6, 2012 2:02 PM by bulldog
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