Academy Awards: Make Oscar proud, Hollywood

This Sunday night will see the telecast of the 83rd Academy Awards. Although the show is supposed to be Ricky Gervais-free, and therefore fit to view by most, the show will be broadcast live. Which means anything can happen.

If something funny/strange/awkward/memorable does happen – and let's face it, there's a movie called "Winter's Bone" with a nominee…the comedy writes itself there – we'll all see it and talk about it for a week. Maybe longer.  

It's happened before.

In 2000, after winning best supporting actress for "Girl Interrupted," Angelina Jolie kissed her brother on the lips and, during her acceptance speech, talked about how in love she was with him. Creepy.

Jack Palance, everybody's favorite tough-talking cowboy, won best supporting actor for his role in "City Slickers" in 1992. Evidently, there had been talk about his age, and he proved them all wrong – by dropping on the floor, on stage, and doing one-handed pushups. 

And who could forget in 1973, when Marlon Brando won for best actor for "The Godfather?" He refused to attend the ceremony, protesting the film industry's treatment of Native Americans. He sent activist Sacheen Littlefeather, in full Apache clothing, in his place, to read his acceptance speech. Guess he wasn't so upset that he didn't want "Academy Award winner" forever attached to his name.

And if the antics weren't enough, how about those bad acceptance speeches? There have been some real stinkers in the past. In 1978, Vanessa Redgrave won best supporting actress for "Julia," and crusaded against fascism and anti-Semitism by calling protesters outside the theater "Zionist hoodlums."

Everybody loves Tom Hanks. Except when he accepted his Oscar for best actor for his role in "Philadelphia" in 1994. He thanked "two of the finest gay Americans" and then did what can only be described as preaching. It was bizarre.

But perhaps the biggest buzz will begin even before the show starts – on the ever-present red carpet. There will be dozens of news crews, networks and correspondents all over that famed piece of rug, all criticizing the clothing choices made by the celebrities who attend. There will be a best dressed and a worst dressed. Some will remember "who" they're wearing, while others won't even be able to pronounce the designer's name.

The whole thing seems a bit too far out of the reality bubble, in our humble opinion. But if forced to give advice to the stars, here's what we'd say:

• Expect to lose. Be prepared for this possibility. No one wants to see your fake tears, and conceit makes you look 10 pounds heavier on camera.

• Keep your acceptance speech short if you win. They'll cut you off anyway.

• Don't use your time on stage to get political. America likes its stars to be dumb and "purty." So just say thank you and give us a Miss America wave, then get the heck off the stage.

• You can cry if you win, but keep the tears to a minimum. We don't like to see our stars blubber either.

• Thank your mother.

Last of all, one word: Kanye. Don't go there. Just don't. 

Published Friday, February 25, 2011 1:33 PM by bulldog
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