A Thin Line

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January 2011 - Posts

I've got a pocket – er, um – jar full of sunshine

While looking at the animal hats at Urban Outfitter's Web site – you know, the cute hats with the ear flaps and long strings with pom-poms on the end (I'm partial to the sock monkey one) – I found something that just made me drop my jaw. And not in a good way.

For a mere $45, you can buy yourself some sun in a jar. Yep. Sun in a jar. The item is basically a mason jar with a solar-charged, high-tech energy efficient LED lamp attached. According to the site, it "generates soft, natural light in a very appealing package."

You're supposed to place the Sun Jar in direct sunlight during the day, so it can soak up the sun. Then you can enjoy your "captured" sunlight all night. It's just "perfect" for your patio or in your garden, and is "quietly reassuring as a nightlight in a bedroom."

Are you kidding me? Seriously? 

How about this…how about you get outside and soak up some sunlight for yourself? We are raising a generation of kids who are part mole – they can't see in the sunlight and they're pale from lack of it. Thank you video games and social networking, as well as texting.

Instead of capturing sunlight in a jar, go out and enjoy some of the real stuff. You'll be amazed how your vision will clear up. And you'll see just how dumb this waste of $45 is.

Posted: Jan 25 2011, 11:00 AM by Red On The Head | with no comments
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Don't annoy a redhead – or you'll be a pile of goo

The other day, as I sat in the drive-thru window at a local restaurant in pursuit of a bubbly beverage, this guy pulled up behind me in one of the biggest pickup trucks I've ever seen. 

He pulled up to the speaker to place his order. And turned off his truck. Then he cranked the monster up and pulled up behind me in line. And turned off his truck. Then he cranked it up and inched closer toward the pickup window. And turned off his truck. This happened three times. Then when he got to the window to get his grub, yep. He turned off his truck again. Doesn't the guy realize he uses more gas to start the truck up each time than he would if he just simply let it idle while he waits? 

This got me started thinking about things that annoy me. And I began to mentally come up with a list.

First of all, I get annoyed that people can't seem to figure out the usage of loose versus lose. So here it is, people. If your pants are too big, you have loose pants. You cannot loose your pants. You can, however, lose them.

I get annoyed with people who pull up behind you in their cars, and then honk at you when you don't make a turn quick enough, even though there is clearly still oncoming traffic in the other lane, preventing said turn. This happened to me the other day. I had some choice words shooting out of my mouth afterward, I can assure you. They were neither pleasant nor helpful, but oh, so cathartic.

I am annoyed that there is a house a few blocks from mine that still has – wait for it – a goose wearing a pilgrim hat and fake turkey feathers, a pumpkin, a Christmas wreath and Christmas lights…all still on the front porch. Are they trying to beat the rush for the holiday season in 2011? Or just simply lazy? I'd go with the latter, judging from the condition of their home in general.

I get annoyed that there are grown people who can't seem to clean up after themselves. They leave messes in public places and just assume, I suppose, that someone else will come along and clean up after them. Perhaps they believe in the Cleaning Fairy. I don't know. But I do know where I'd like to stick their messes. 

I was in Target the other night, walking around, peacefully minding my own business. I kept hearing this man's voice. It was loud…and getting louder. I soon saw the source of all the noise – some guy on a cell phone. He was telling God and everybody about his latest sexual exploit, complete with expletives. Like I needed to hear that. People that walk around in public places, talking loudly on the cell phones should be shot on sight. It should be law.

And my last annoyance…at least for this entry…involves kids. I love kids, don't get me wrong. I used to be one. But I can't stand when people take their kids to public places and just ignore whatever bad behavior the kids display.

I was recently buying groceries when this little boy began running around the store, knocking stuff off shelves and slamming into people's carts and yelling. I watched his mother ignore him for a while. I waited to see if she was going to "parent." When I realized that, alas, she was clearly "deaf," I took matters into my own hands. 

I went up to the little boy, took him by the arm, and I told him that not only was Santa Claus AND God watching him misbehave, but now I was. And I drew his attention to the fact that I have red hair. I said, "You know redheaded people are really mean, right?" The kid shook his head no. 

I had noticed a pile of some kind of goo on the floor. I don't know what it was or whether it was something he had knocked over. But I saw it was there. So I pointed it out to the kid.

"You see that pile of stuff on the floor there? That was the last kid that I caught running around this store. You keep acting up and I'll do the same to you. Got it?" I said, channeling my mother's angry eyes as accurately as I could.

The kid ran to his mother. He was a perfect angel the rest of the time I was in the store, although he did eyeball me pretty cautiously. 

Perhaps that's how I'll handle the people who annoy me from now on. Anybody know where I can get me a pile of goo, reasonably priced?

Posted: Jan 21 2011, 01:58 PM by Red On The Head | with no comments
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Here's hoping you're better soon, Bruce

This season was tough for fans of University of Georgia football. The team finished 6-7, capping off the season with an embarrassing loss against the University of Central Florida in the Liberty Bowl, in which the Dawgs looked – and played – as if they just didn't want to be there.

The year started off rocky for the team's mascot spot as well. After the death of Uga VII, fans eagerly awaited the arrival of Uga VIII, who made his debut during the homecoming game against Vanderbilt in October. The new mascot was welcomed like a long-awaited hero. 

Then Uga missed the Liberty Bowl last month because of a gastrointestinal condition that prevented him from traveling with the team. Or so we thought. Further tests showed that the problem was much more serious.

Uga VIII, or Big Bad Bruce, has been diagnosed with lymphoma. He's being treated by specialists at the UGA College of Veterinary Medicine, headed up by Uga's namesake, Dr. Bruce Hollett, who's cared for the Uga line for years. 

If Uga VIII isn't better by the start of the next season, Russ, who filled in before, will jump in again. Russ is the half brother of Uga VII. He filled in during the final two games of the 2009 season after Uga VII's death, and during the first six games of the 2010 season. 

So until you're up and ready to put on that jersey again, Big Bad Bruce, I wish you the best. You're a damn good dog…

Posted: Jan 12 2011, 01:35 PM by Red On The Head | with no comments
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Old fashioned men are not gone with the wind

I've written about how to be a Southern belle. I've tried to help people understand how we speak in the South, and what our lingo means. I've tried to help acclimate yankees. 

But one thing I haven't done is help the men folk understand how to act like a Southern gentleman. Women all over the world have watched Miz Mitchell's classic on film, "Gone With The Wind," and have fallen in love with one Mr. Rhett Butler. Why is this? It's because he is the epitome of a true Southern gentleman. 

Want to become one? Here's how you begin…

• Open doors for a lady, and even for other men. It's a simple gesture that shows others you are a kind person, willing to help others.

• Offer your coat to a lady when she is obviously cold. This will be better accepted than if you offer your arm, particularly if you have only just met. 

• Be kind to and honest with those around you. Protect the woman you are with, even though you know she is capable of protecting herself. It's always nice to know someone has your back. If someone else tries to hit on her or makes a rude comment, simply place your arm around her and lead her away. No need for a fight.

• Pick her up when going out on a date. If she asks to meet you at some location for the first date, be considerate of her feelings. She's just trying to play it safe. But still offer to pick her up without being insistent. You don't want to make her nervous, you just want her to know you're a little old fashioned.

• Open the car door for her to get in and out. Pull the chair out for her in the restaurant, and make sure she's comfortably seated before you sit.

• Allow her to order before you do. Take care of her first, or at least offer her the option.

• Do little things for your lady. We don't always need big gestures. You can fill our cars with gas so we don't have to. You can leave us a sweet note in a coat pocket. You can make sure the coffee pot is started before we wake up in the morning. You can put the toilet seat back down. Always remember that it's the little things that make a lady happy.

• Listen to your lady. Really listen. And let her know you really hear what she's saying. 

• Respect her. If you show respect to her, she'll return the favor.

Remember, the key to being a Southern gentleman is treating a woman like a lady. If you treat her like she is someone's daughter or sister, which she is, you will be treating her with dignity and respect. 

If a woman does not respond to any of these behaviors, move on and find another woman. A Southern gentleman is a wonderful man, and one who shouldn't  be wasted on an unappreciative woman.

Some of you may pooh-pooh this advice, thinking it too old fashioned and perhaps even backward. Well, frankly my dear, I don't give a damn. 

Posted: Jan 07 2011, 01:43 PM by Red On The Head | with 1 comment(s)
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