Next Year’s News Now…
By Timo Cerantola
Well, it’s that time again when all of us psychics make our predictions for the coming new year.
Now I must admit that I’m a bit light in the psychic department -
though I do have regular psychotic episodes if that’s any consolation -
not to mention the word ‘psychotic’ is on the same page as ‘psychic’ in
So kids, here’s next year’s news now. Hang on to your yoo-hoos or
whatever floats your boat and get ready for the psychic magic to begin.
For the year 2009 I foresee many difficulties and misfortune. Beginning with the economy I see…
The American dollar will continue to lose ground against all major board game currencies.
In Washington DC, a commemorative thirty-foot high likeness of
George Bush will be erected in Washington’s Constitutional Gardens. The
sculpture made entirely of baloney, will quickly become the favourite
of the Garden’s millions of pigeons - not to mention the target of
Washington’s millions of enthusiastic shoe throwers.
Due to severe market turmoil and economic fallout, the Boogey Man,
Easter Bunny and the Toothfairy will be layed-off. In an attempt to
gain a government bailout, Santa Claus, president of UFO (Union of
Fairies and Ogres) will travel to Washington to meet with Janet
Napolitano, US Secretary of Imaginary Characters and Homeland Security.
The two will come to agreement and avert the imaginary disaster.
Citing severe popularity problems (and a total lack of friends), Dick Cheney will have his name legally changed to Yolanda.
Also in Washington, prior to leaving office, US president George Bush will accidentally declare war on New Jersey.
President Barack Obama’s popularity will continue to soar amongst
those who are not paying attention. Obama will continue to fund large
corrupt financial houses, big greedy banks and ridiculously inefficient
automobile corporations so that they may continue to lose more money
In 2009, Washington will be rocked by a fidelity scandal. A majority
of senators and congressmen will reveal they are actually faithful to
their wives and happily married. The disturbing news will force several
media outlets to near collapse, as without trashy, imbecilic, gossipy
gutter news to report on every half hour, the media will be forced to
report “useful information”.
On the sports scene, a popular baseball player will demand and
receive the highest dollar figure in the history of professional
sports. He will be given ownership of the team as payment for playing.
Once owner, he will promptly trade himself to another team in an effort
to stave off bankruptcy.
Finally, on the Bush front, George W. will be arrested for DWS (driving while stupid).
2009 will be the year that several major peace agreements will be reached - on the planet Moolga. I wish I were there.
In view of recent corruption charges against him, the State Of
Illinois will attempt to distance itself from Gov. Rod Blagojevich and
officially change its name to Shirley.
On the science front, having closely studied all the data,
scientists will announce they have no clue whatsoever as to what is
Barney the dinosaur will once again make the news with his
wanderlust, draggletail dinosaur ways. Yes, Barney will be caught in
the arms of yet another reptile, Rush Limbaugh. Mrs. The Dinosaur will
sue for divorce as this will prove to be Barney’s 4th infidelity - not
counting that one-nighter thing he had with Miss Piggy back in 2002.
An alien invasion will be unwittingly thwarted in Detroit. Aliens,
upon landing in the “Motor City” will have their windshield washed by
hoards of unemployed auto workers. When the aliens refuse to pay for
the service, the irate street side squeegee people will beat them
senseless. Their hubcaps will also be stolen.
Further on the alien contact front, the United Nations will appoint
former US president Bill Clinton as spokesman for Earth. The meetings
will go poorly as, when asked about the proceedings, the aliens will
complain, “We knew we said take us to your leader, …now take us to
someone who won’t play grab-ass with our wives.”
In August, a state of emergency will be declared in California when
a Britney epidemic strikes. The number of people named Britney in the
state will reach a highly toxic 35% of the population.
A popular burger chain will score big with by introducing copious
amounts of caffeine, sugar and nicotine into one of its most popular
meal selections. The “Way too damn happy meal” will be a big seller in
In an attempt to put Americans back to work, president Barack Obama
will announce the largest make-work project in history. Starting in
2009, Obama will commit the US to tearing down the Rocky Mountains and
moving them to Florida.
Again, on the fast food front, “burger wars” will erupt as a result
of a fistfight between Ronald McDonald and The Burger King at a beef
convention. McDonald’s clown of beef will accuse the King of having a
lurid affair with Wendy the rag doll from Wendy’s. The King, not to be
out done, reveals sordid details of an alleged same-sex affair between
Ronald and the Hamburglar. Armies of burger clowns will battle the
forces of burger royalty. Sadly, Mayor McCheese will perish in the
God the Almighty will once again be a no-show for 2009. Though the
search has gone on for some time now, everyone’s favorite benevolent
supreme being, who hates gay people, feminists and Muslims will
continue to elude fundamental Christians.
A major category 5 hurricane, an earthquake, a giant snowstorm,
ensuing avalanche and an erupting volcano will cause two Ebola infected
passenger planes to collide with an asteroid and crash into a nuclear
power station creating a massive spread of Ebola hemorrhagic fever, a
major power blackout and a radio-active wildfire that will be
extinguished by a 500 foot tsunami that strikes the US Eastern Seaboard.
And finally, in Hollywood, remakes of old movies will continue to be
the craze as, in yet another sequel, has-been action stars Sylvester
Stallone, Arnold Schwartzenegger, Jean-Claude Van Damme and Bruce
Willis will team up to star in the blockbuster Wizard of Oz sequel, a
war-action extravaganza entitled, “Die, Munchkin Die: Assault on Oz.”