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Ferocious Attack Kitten

Ferocious attack kitten is available for adoption to any home willing to accept him.

This destructive kitty has been trained as a proud warrior and will fiercely defend your house, even against you. Well-trained since 10-weeks of age to attack anything in his presence, he will protect your family from evil things, including the following:

* insects

* other trained attack kittens

* babies

* toilet paper

* anything under a blanket

* unwanted house guests
* paper bags

* floor rugs

* Chuck Norris

* Feet.

Great with children (assuming you don’t like the children). Probably best used for professional catfighting. He is housebroken, but only because he wants to be. This attack cat has trained himself to seek out his food anywhere you hide it and rip the bag open to feed himself, great for those who travel extensively. Also trained to drink water out of toilet bowls and dishwater from items in the sink. Knows how to open some doors. He will find you wherever you hide.

Neutered (trust me, you wont want to him to procreate). Has not been declawed, but you'll figure that out really fast.

Understands and responds to a variety of vulgar and profane verbal commands. Has a very soft and furry belly, like a teddy bear - however he will bite your face if you try to touch it.

Willing to accept trades. Potential adopters must have experience with trained attack-kittens... please be prepared to show scars.

For the love of God, someone please take this thing out of my house.

• it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Oh, willburns1, that is certainly the best I've ever seen from craigslist--and I love craigslist. And it made me feel so much better about some of the deranged kitties I've had.

I had one that scared me so bad, I used to lock my bedroom door. When I'd turn off the lights at night to get ready for bed, he knew I'd be putting him outside (no way could i sleep knowing he was in the house). But that only worked for a while before he gained the upper hand. I'd turn out the lights, start my saccharin "here kitty-kitty-kitty" and he'd reply with a low menacing growl from somewhere in the dark. Scared shitless, I'd quickly turn the lights on. With the lights on he'd go silent and invisible. Never could find him. But as soon as I'd turn the light off, the threatening growl would start again.

I thought I'd found the perfect solution when I dumped him at my husband's grandmother's farm. A couple weeks later she was telling everyone about the beautiful cat that had wandered in and adopted her. I thought they'd be good for each other. She was lonesome, and he could certainly kill enough barn mice to keep himself alive. How was I supposed to know she'd let him in the house?

Of course the inevitable happened and he flung himself on her, biting and scratching. Fortunately, while she was in the hospital recovering, my husband's uncle shot the cat dead. I'm an animal lover, but I never quit believing that the damn cat had it coming.

 Ooops. Maybe I've said too much.

Wow this cat sounds perfect for the Chuck Norris problem I have been having. And it's fixed AND housebroken?!?!? What a great cat!

But seriously, I think this guy could use a lesson in marketing. He sounds almost as bad as the real estate agent one of my coworkers had.  

And writer lady, I think you found the perfect way to take care of in-law problems. Perhaps we could drop attack cats into enemy countries and let them slowly destroy their social structure from the inside out.

lol thats a great story. Sorry to hear that the cat got shot but I guess that its the circle of life. Cat is born. Cat annoys man. Cat attacks man. Man kills cat. Seems pretty natural to me.

Haha, the history of the cat in just two lines. I'm impressed.

Did any of you hear the listing of the lady who found a stray cat with black and white stripes? She brought it in and fed it cat food. She posted an ad offering to return the "cat" to its original owner... for a small fee. She also mentioned that it smelled terrible and had a bad temper. The woman brought home a skunk and thought it was a cat. Some people need to take some basic biology.

I love the Best of Craigslist! My favorite has to be this one, as it's just too geeky-cute for me to resist:

 Dearest GameStop Girl,

When I walked into your store that fateful Tuesday, I expected only to find a smattering of half-decent titles tucked back there amongst the used 360 games. Instead I found you, surrounded by a beam of light, halfway between Assassin's Creed and Call of Duty 3. Your gorgeous dark hair was radiant in contrast with the rainbow of colors on the deluxe Bioshock behind you. The Game of the Year held no interest for me when I saw you look up and smile, even though both could hold me in Rapture.

You commanded the register when it was my turn to check out with the Orange Box. Yes, I was finally getting to play Portal. Lucky me, you said with the cutest smile. Lucky me, I thought, and then knew you had the Portal to my heart. I could care less if the cake is a lie, I'd still want to share it with you.

Oh GameStop Girl, how you make my heart meter skip a beat. If you were being held captive in a mountain fortress by a ruthless mutant mafia gangboss and I had to fight my way through 16 levels of fire-breathing undead ninjas with swords the size of small ponies, I would find a way, even if, after every level, a small man continued to taunt me by saying that you were in another castle. EVEN IF.

So, yes, GameStop Girl, I want to kill robotic zombie terrorists with you. You can even have the deluxe shotgun with explosive scattershot. I'll just use this knife over here. I'll do anything for you, just for the small, slightest chance that someday - someday - you and me could be a Wii.

I always wondered where supervillains went to get their henchmen. Turns out they use craig's list like the rest of us. Here's one example:

HENCHMEN NEEDED