Must be the woman in me
I overslept this morning, but was out of bed with coffee in hand by 6:00. I had my boy up, fed, bathed, dressed and walked to school by 7:35. By 7:45 I was home again, and getting ready for work. Again this morning I tried very hard to get to work by 8:30 instead of 9:00, but 8:50 was the best I could do.
Because I'm a vain, aging, girly girl, the process of getting ready for work entails more than you might think, and certainly more than it used to. As you read on, please try to imagine the time and money associated with the process.
Once in the tub, I use a two-step microderm abrasion product on my aging, sun-damaged, wrinkling, sagging face. After applying the microderm abrasion activator, I gently massage the microderm abrasion beads over my face one more time, finally rinsing the two-step microderm abrasion mess off of my face with a washcloth.
Hair is washed with special shampoo for colored, damaged hair. Moisturizing conditioner is applied and left on hair while I wash the rest of me using a moisturizing body wash applied to a net bath sponge for the exfoliating benefits. Once moisturizing body wash is rinsed off, I rinse moisturizing conditioner from hair, and then apply red-tinted hair glaze to help cover gray and prolong expensive salon color job. That stays on while I use moisturizing shave cream with 3-blade Venus razor on legs and pits.
When I'm done shaving and have rinsed off moisturizing shave cream, it's time to go at my feet with pumice stone. Now I can rinse red-tinted hair glaze from my graying hair. That done, it's time to get out of the tub.
Once out of the tub I brush my teeth with a special whitening toothpaste. Next, I apply moisturizer with alphy hydroxy to aging, sun-damaged, wrinkling, sagging face; this product promises to remove sun spots and fine wrinkles and to firm up my sagging skin. For special sagging skin, fine wrinkles, and dark circles around the delicate eye area, I apply a serum created specifically the delicate eye area. Next, I apply baby powder, and antiperspirant. Body lotion with sunscreen is applied next to the rest of my body, except for my legs. My legs are pale and ugly and require special attention. They receive a layer of moisturizing self-tanning lotion with sunscreen.
While the self-tanning lotion dries, I smear two kinds of styling product into my hair. One of these contains silicone to smooth my aging, frizzy, graying hair. This is followed by three or four minutes of blow drying with a vented brush, and a couple more drops of silicone. Some days, if I'm not already running late, this is followed by two minutes with a curling iron, which is then followed by a two-minute search for aloe gel, because I invariably burn myself in my haste. If I'm still not running late after the four-minute curling iron torture, I apply a concealer to dark under-eye circles, and then a light layer of foundation.
Now I'm done in the bathroom and can get dressed. Nothing fits because I've quit smoking for health reasons, but have gained enough weight that it's a health concern. I put on something that doesn't fit anyhow, and smear a little more specialty lotion on my feet before I put on my sandals. As I do so I think for the hundredth time that I really, really need a manicure and pedicure.
If any more makeup is going to be applied, it will have to be done in the car. It will entail eyeshadow--lighter overall, darker under browbone to camouflage sagging upper lids. Then it's the eyeliner and mascara--each applied only to upper lid and lashes to camouflage sagging upper lids. Finally, some lipcolor followed with a moisturizing lip gloss containing sunscreen to make aging, thinning lips appear fuller while simultaneously protecting my aging, thinning lips from the damaging effects of sun exposure.
Now, here's the thing: After using 25 products and eight tools, I still look like hell. I look like a middle-aged, overweight, mother of a six-year-old boy, who's been up since 6:00 in the morning (Whoo-hoo! Did I mention I got an extra half hour of sleep?), who's on her way to a full-time job. I'm stressed out because I'm running late for work. I've spent about a million dollars on products that, at best, work only slightly, but mostly not at all; superstition and marketing genius compel me to continue using these products. That, and the fear of what I'd look like if I didn't.