Reality Check

CLASSIFIED: Ads Part 3

"Government employer looking for candidates. Criminal background required."
"Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it."

Sometimes a misplaced or missing word can cause an embarrassing mistake. Sometimes simple changes in the structure of a sentence can completely change its meaning. In the Classified ads, it could cause criminals to apply for your job or a maid to seem overly friendly. Here are more examples of classified ads that just didn’t quite work properly.

"Government employer looking for candidates. Criminal background required."
(They’re hiring crooks. It must be a job in politics)

"Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children."
(He will eat just about anything, but his favorite snack is elementary aged kids)

"Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00."
(The other-other white meat. Available at all McSoylent Burger restaurants)

"His and hers bicycles, $25 each or both for $55."
(You get a negative ten percent discount for buying in bulk)

"For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers."
(She had better have large drawers to fit her thick legs)

"Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too."
(One of our old employees was very clumsy. We have plenty of extra pairs of ears lying around here)

"Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory."
(The all new Stripperbot 500 can strip at an amazing rate of 50 girls per hour)

"We'll move you worldwide throughout the country."
(See the world without even leaving the U.S. They must take you to Disney Land)

"We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand."
(Every stitch is tenderly and lovingly ripped apart)

"Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it."
(Discounts on sponge baths. Ask about our group rates)

"If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachaise Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin."
(It’s just full or immortal dead people… There’s nothing worse than a French zombie…except perhaps a French mime)