Reality Check

Tech Support Calls Part 2

Some people just can’t seem to wrap their heads around technology. No matter how hard we try, some people just don’t get it. Here are yet more reports of some of the kinds of calls received by tech support staff.

An IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in ...." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.

Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer: "I'd like a mouse mat, please."
Salesperson: "Certainly sir, we've got a large variety."
Customer: "But will they be compatible with my computer?"

Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Yeah."
Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"
Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."

Caller : "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"
Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
Tech :"Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as a part of a promotion, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"
Caller : "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotion. It just has "4X" on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off in the drive.

Customer: "My computer crashed!"
Tech Support: "It crashed?"
Customer: "Yeah, it won't let me play my game."
Tech Support: "All right, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot."
Customer: "No, it didn't crash -- it crashed."
Tech Support: "Huh?"
Customer: "I crashed my game. That's what I said before. I crashed my spaceship and now it doesn't work."
Tech Support: "Click on 'File,' then 'New Game.'"
Customer: (pause) "Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?"

 
A customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from its cover and insert it into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems.

CLASSIFIED: Ads Part 3

"Government employer looking for candidates. Criminal background required."
"Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it."

Sometimes a misplaced or missing word can cause an embarrassing mistake. Sometimes simple changes in the structure of a sentence can completely change its meaning. In the Classified ads, it could cause criminals to apply for your job or a maid to seem overly friendly. Here are more examples of classified ads that just didn’t quite work properly.

"Government employer looking for candidates. Criminal background required."
(They’re hiring crooks. It must be a job in politics)

"Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children."
(He will eat just about anything, but his favorite snack is elementary aged kids)

"Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00."
(The other-other white meat. Available at all McSoylent Burger restaurants)

"His and hers bicycles, $25 each or both for $55."
(You get a negative ten percent discount for buying in bulk)

"For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers."
(She had better have large drawers to fit her thick legs)

"Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too."
(One of our old employees was very clumsy. We have plenty of extra pairs of ears lying around here)

"Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory."
(The all new Stripperbot 500 can strip at an amazing rate of 50 girls per hour)

"We'll move you worldwide throughout the country."
(See the world without even leaving the U.S. They must take you to Disney Land)

"We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand."
(Every stitch is tenderly and lovingly ripped apart)

"Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it."
(Discounts on sponge baths. Ask about our group rates)

"If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachaise Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin."
(It’s just full or immortal dead people… There’s nothing worse than a French zombie…except perhaps a French mime)

Gas Prices and the Energy Crisis

Why are gas prices so high? Why hasn’t the economy forced their prices back down? What can we do to stop them? After nearly eating a mold encrusted muffin I bought at a Shell station this morning, I’m feeling particularly inspired to tackle these questions and present the most effective and realistic solutions I have seen for lowering gas prices.

Today I stopped at a Shell station on the way to work to grab some breakfast. I was low on gas and hungry, so the Circle K food store seemed like the perfect solution. I picked out a delicious looking ham-egg-n-cheese muffin. The gas prices were abnormally bad, so I decided to just fuel up my stomach and make the car wait. When I got to work, I opened up the breakfast my mouth was watering over for so long only to find the entire bottom of it was covered in a dull grayish-turquoise-mold.  So I started out my day with an empty stomach and empty gas tank. It has been a while since I have felt comfortable filling up a full tank of gas because the gas prices have been so bad lately. Sometimes I feel like I’m playing the stock market just buying gas every couple of weeks. So why can the gasoline industry get away with these unfair and unreasonable prices on something we all need to survive? Once again, it all boils down to simple economics.

What causes such high gas prices?
 

To understand how gas companies can get away with these prices, you must first understand how our market economy works. The key to economics is supply and demand. When demand rises, prices can rise. If enough people need something badly enough, they will pay more for it. When a resource less common, it is more valuable. This is why a diamond is so valuable, while water is so cheap. Diamonds serve no purpose other than looking good, but we will die without water. Oil is relatively rare compared to other natural resources, and practically EVERYONE needs gas for their car.
 

As if the sheer economics weren’t making oil companies rich enough, the top oil producers organized a cartel to further strangle consumers. A cartel is an organization of producers of a certain good who all agree to charge a set price on what they produce. This creates an effective monopoly, which is devastating to market prices. The reason you can go to Wal Mart and buy a shirt for 1/10 the price of the same shirt with a brand name printed on it is because of market competition. One supplier undercuts another, and people buy from the cheaper one. The first supplier must then either raise quality or lower prices to keep from losing all its customers and dying off. This happens in just about every sector of the economy and causes most products to become affordable to the everyday consumer. In a monopoly, there is no competitor to undercut the supplier, so there is no need to lower prices or increase quality. They can charge whatever they want and no one can do anything about it. This is why you can’t just go down the street to the thrift gas station and buy the cheap gas for affordable prices.

How Can We Lower Prices?
 

So what can we do about this? Are we just helpless to the economy? We are still consumers, and as such, we technically still hold the power in the economy. It just takes a lot of organization to effect change. If people don’t buy a producer’s goods, they make no money, and therefore have to bring people back to buying their products, or go out of business. In my opinion we have three main options. We can create competition, forcefully lower prices by boycott, or make the necessary progression into the next era of energy solutions so we no longer need oil.

The first solution would be to bring in new competitors for the oil industry who would not be a part of the cartel. In order for a monopoly to exist, they must keep competitors from entering the market. If a new company were to come in and offer reasonable gas prices, we would all buy from them. Unfortunately, because of the Middle Eastern control of the world’s main oil reserves, it will be very difficult for anyone to gain a good enough supply of oil to sustain America and compete with the oil cartels. If this could be done, the competition would drive cartel prices to compete with the market and all gas prices would go down.
 

The second solution would be to directly control the economy through public boycotts. There was an organized attempt at this, but it failed miserably. The public set out one day where they would not buy gas. The gas companies lost millions of dollars in sales on that day, but they knew the American people couldn’t live without their precious gas for long. The next day they simply raised prices to higher than they had been and made up for their losses immediately. If we want to hurt them, it has to be for more than a day. I heard one proposal for a boycott that could actually work. If the public would buy gas from only the smaller companies, the larger companies would suffer a sustained loss. With their customers in steady decline and no hope for people to come back, they would be forced to lower prices to bring people back to their company. With their prices lowered, people would flock to them, and their competitors would be forced to lower prices to keep up. This would keep fluctuating until they found equilibrium at an affordable price.

The third solution is in my opinion the best. It is also very difficult to accomplish. It would involve weaning our economy off our oil dependency. Our oil reserves will be used up eventually. The only question is when. We have the technology for electric driven cars. We have other options to generate electricity without the need for fossil fuel. I won’t go too in depth on this right now because there is too much to cover on the logistics of moving our society off our oil dependency. I will say that we need a solution. When you think of what happens when the power goes out in a city for a day, you might imagine what would happen when the whole power grid goes down indefinitely. If we don’t find a new source of dependable power, this could become reality. We have lots of options for personal transportatoin. Many people are taking to carpooling and biking short distances. Smaller modes of more efficient transportation such as Segways and electric scooters are becoming more popular. We just need to bump this up to a larger scale solution.

My neighbors used to drive a sleek black BMW, but they recently traded it in for a disgustingly orange Volvo. They are extremely happy with the trade-in because they got the car from a scientist who equipped it with a special engine that runs on vegetable oil. They stop at a restaurant every now and then to pick up the oil left over after frying their food. The restaurants are always happy to part with it because it saves them the trouble of disposing of it. And in return, my neighbors get to live without ever having to pay for gas. If these were on the market, I know I would buy them (preferably not the old, ugly Volvo model). As more fuel efficient vehicles come into the market, gas demand should diminish and prices will have to go down to keep up.

The oil prices of today are a symptom of a larger, more eminent problem. Our technology is in a race against our oil consumption. We will either come out with clean, cheap energy, or society will be thrust into chaos and depression as our last energy reserves are used up. Our fuel consumption seems like such a menial problem, but in order for our society to continue on its current course of prosperity, we need to find ways to adjust and adapt to the changing world we live in.

I would like to hear your input on this too. What solutions would you propose to drop gas prices or replace our oil consumption with better energy sources? What energy solution would you see our society going toward in the future? I appreciate your feedback so don't hesitate to reply.

State Laws: Colorado

"One may not mutilate a rock in a state park. It is illegal to mistreat rats in Denver, Colorado. Catapults may not be fired at buildings. It is illegal to let a dandelion grow within the city limits. Cats may not run loose without having been fit with a taillight."

Colorado is a state that strongly enforces the protection of animal rights...and the rights of rocks. They have a great deal of rocks to protect in Colorado. The following are laws that were once actually legitimized in the legal system of this state.

One may not mutilate a rock in a state park.
(One may not commit cruel and unusual acts upon rocks. Despite their hard exterior, they cry on the inside)

Boulders may not be rolled on city property.
(This one's got bored teenagers all over it)

Cats may not run loose without having been fit with a taillight.
(Have you ever tried to stick a tail light on a cat? Good luck with that)

The dog catcher must notify dogs of impounding by posting, for three consecutive days, a notice on a tree in the city park and along a public road running through said park.
(This way dogs have the option to read the signs and leave peacefully)

It is illegal to permit ones llama to graze on city property.
(They must have a real llama infestation out there)

It is illegal to mistreat rats in Denver, Colorado.
(SAVE THE RATS!)

Residents may not own chickens, but may own up to three turkeys.
(Let's face it, chickens are annoying)

It is illegal to let a dandelion grow within the city limits.
(ALL DANDELIONS MUST DIE! KILL THEM ALL!)

It is illegal to ride a horse while under the influence.
(Is it legal if the horse is under the influence?)

It is illegal to bring your horse or pack mule above the ground floor of any building.
(Horses don't do well in elevators or on stairs)

Tags may be ripped off of pillows and mattresses.
(Thank goodness they finally legalized tag ripping in one state)

Throwing missiles at cars is illegal.
(It is also impractical, immoral... and REALLY fun)

Catapults may not be fired at buildings.
(This was to stop the revival of medieval siege warfare)

Persons may not urinate in public.
(I'm glad they established that)

Establishments which sell alcohol must have enough lighting to read text inside them.
(Because when someone is drunk, it is very hard to make out the fine print warning against the effects of alcoholic beverages)

It is illegal to go in public dressed in clothes "unbecoming" on one's gender.
(The fashion police are out in force now)

It is illegal to crash into obstacles on a ski slope.
(Violators will be beaten by obstacles on a ski slope)

Tech Support Calls Part 1

Our world is becoming more and more dependent on technology, but many of us that have not grown up with computers have trouble adjusting to their use in everyday life. My seven-year-old sister could turn the computer on, boot up her Winnie-the-Pooh game and play it without any help, but my mom is still afraid to touch the computer for fear of breaking it. No matter how many times I tell her it doesn’t have a self-destruct key, it still intimidates her.

I used to work with a lady who was always on the phone with the tech support staff. Once, I could hear her complaining that no matter what she did, her computer would not turn on. The tech support guy came all the way out and asked if she had checked to make sure the computer was plugged in. She said, of course it was plugged into the wall. He then asked if she had checked to make sure the cord was also plugged into the computer. There was dead silence.

Another day she was shipping back a “defective” wireless mouse and keyboard. After installing and troubleshooting, they just wouldn’t work. I checked them and confirmed my suspicions. No batteries.

One of the most computer savvy people in the office called me in for my “technical expertise” to find out why the printer didn’t work. She had rebooted, cleared the cache, and gone through all imaginable steps to fix it. I took a glance at it, and said, “Well, I don’t know much about this model, but I think that green light should probably be on.” I pressed the power button and it started printing.

There are so many things that can go wrong with computers. Often times, it is simply a case of users who don't know how to use their equipment. These are a few transcripts of actual tech support calls made by people who don’t fully understand the computers they use. I will post more as I come across them.
 

Tech Support: "How much free space do you have on your hard drive?"
Customer: "Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she down loaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?"

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows."
The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."

Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

Who would have thought I would actually miss my spam someday. It used to frustrate me to no end when I would have to grub through all the credit card offers and car deals to get to my actual mail. Now thanks to how I have been spamming them back (See my earlier post about spam mail) I haven't gotten a single piece of spam in weeks. This is great, but now I actually need to get a credit card. Where I used to be able to just go to my mail box and pick from any of 5 cards or any model of new car that I MUST HAVE, now I just find real mail.

I never thought I would find myself needing a credit card either. I always do all my transactions by debit and always made sure to have the money in the bank before I spent it. I thought this was a great idea to avoid the slow siphon of interest. But I didn't realize how credit dependent this world is. With my credit score of exactly 0, I can't buy a car or house, and even renting my apartment almost didn't go through. Now I am going to get a credit card for the sole purpose of building my credit. I will go to the store and buy a pack of gum, pay the bill on time, and slowly but surely build up my credit score to a point where I can function in today's society.
 

"Let me tell you something. For the first time in my adult life, I am proud of my country, because it feels like hope is finally making a comeback." See Fox News Article

The question was raised, has she not been proud of our country for the rest of her adult life? This sparked quite a discussion in our office. I'm sure everyone has strong opinions about this one, and I would like to hear them. Today I would like to step back to pose a question, and not voice my own opinions on this subject. Before anyone responds, let me lay out the ground rules: Keep it clean and refrain from any personal attacks. I will moderate this and step in if necessary. I want this to be a safe place to express views and facts, not a battlefield. 

I will share my views on politics as a whole: I believe politics in general is severely flawed. I worked in a senatorial campaign for a summer and I learned first hand what politics is all about. I see the real politics, not the glorified media edited, for the masses politics. I see people speaking as democrats/republicans/and perhaps sometimes third parties, not as individuals. I see people buying into propaganda and sometimes even outright lies. I see party agendas pushed, not America's agenda. I see facts and information spun one way or another to support the party's views. I see people devoting their entire life and livelihood to digging up dirt on people. I see people rallying behind parties without knowing or wanting to see the entirety of who they are supporting. What I want to see is people weighing the information for themselves, thinking for themselves, and voting based on what a candidate will do with our country in the next four years. So please, speak your own mind, not the collective mind of whatever party you may be allied to.
 

CLASSIFIED: Ads Part 2

     I tell people to ALWAYS proofread... ESPECIALLY when what you write will be seen by thousands of people. Here are yet more bungled classified ads which were no doubt the cause of great embarrassment.

"Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour."
(If you're tired of making so much money, we can offer you even lower wages)

"Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours."
(Takes even less time to get rid of grandmothers)

"Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it."
(You can never re-get it... so you don't do withdrawals here?)

"Wanted. Hunting rifle, suitable for teenagers."
(Earl bagged two kids last weekend behind the High School)

"Vacation Special: have your home exterminated."
(For those who want a more... permanent vacation)

"Shakespeare's Pizza - Free Chopsticks"
(Man that's some WEIRD pizza)

"Georgia peaches, California grown - 89 cents lb."
(So where are they from again?)

"Carpal Tunnel Syndrome - Free Sample!"
(Now you can feel our pain)

"Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast."
(Mmmm charcoal... just like mom used to make)

"Christmas tag sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person."
(We sell camouflage, masks, and ninja gear)

"Mother's helper -- peasant working conditions."
(We will treat you like a pauper)

"Buy your new bedroom suite from us, and we will stand behind it for six months."
("So what's with those people standing outside?" "Oh, that's just my realtors")

"A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms."
(For those who just want good looking waitresses)

State Laws: California

         I decided to post two states today to make up for the overall blandness of the Arkansas post. With actors and celebrities roaming the streets, we know California is home to some of the most unique and strange individuals. Any state that would elect the Terminator as their governor is bound to have some interesting laws. Here are a few examples.

Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.
(…as long as the weather allows)

No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.
(Unattended vehicles must go no more than 40 miles per hour. Remember, safety first)

It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
(It would be so much fun to go whale hunting from a van… or perhaps a tank)

Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.
(Yep California has a real peacock infestation)

Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.
(My friend actually tried that in a lake)

City Council order reads: “No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash”
(Dogs must keep their masters restrained at all times)

You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.
(This is part of the campaign to keep California poser free)

One may not bring their dog to school.
(What about little lambs?)

It is illegal to own a green or smelly animal hide.
(So no skunk, frog, or iguana skin garments)

Persons may not ride their bicycles through the “Fountain of Life”.
(We wouldn’t want it to turn into another Herby.)

State Laws: Arkansas

Well, there isn’t much to say about Arkansas. Actually there is never much to say about Arkansas. Come to think of it, does anyone know where Arkansas is? Well either way, here are a few of the state laws in Arkansas… wherever that is.  

It is unlawful to walk one’s cow down Main Street after 1:00 PM on Sunday.
(Once again, no laws against rhinoceros. I need to go get one of those)

The Arkansas River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.
(If only the President had made a law like that, New Orleans would still be just fine. No wonder everyone says it’s his fault. I always thought they were just blaming him for using his executive power of summoning hurricanes)

Alligators may not be kept in bathtubs.
(They make good back-scrubbers though)

Honking one’s car horn at a sandwich shop after 9 PM is against the law.
(“Honk for service” is kind of a fad of the past now)

Flirtation between men and women on the streets of Little Rock may result in a 30-day jail term.
(Arkansas: Catholic School capitol of the world)

No one may “suddenly start or stop” their car at a McDonald’s.
(This must have been before the advent of the Drive Thru)

Dogs may not bark after 6 PM.
(Maybe that’s why the pound is so full these days)

Presidential Blunders

Today is President's Day. Rather than dressing up as Abraham Lincoln and addressing the office, I thought I would spread a little holiday cheer on the blogs. Thanks to Al Gore's invention of the internet, I have amassed some memorable slip-ups from some of our past American Presidents. Because of the mud slinging mentality of politics today, we have plenty of information on the verbal slip-ups of our most recent presidents and their closest political companions.

Abraham Lincoln:

"If I were two-faced would I be wearing this one?"

"Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be."

"I can make a General in five minutes but a good horse is hard to replace."

"God must love the common man, he made so many of them."

"No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens."

Dwight Eisenhower:

"The world is more like it is now than it ever has been before."

Richard Nixon:

"Solutions are not the answer."

"I would have made a good Pope."

Gerald Ford:

"Solar energy is not something that is going to come in overnight."

"If Lincoln were alive today, he'd roll over in his grave."

"When a man is asked to make a speech, the first thing he has to decide is what to say."

"I watch a lot of baseball on the radio."

Ronald Reagan:

"Trees cause more pollution than automobiles."

"I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself."

"I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting."

Bill Clinton:

"I am in support of the NRA position on gun control."

"You can put wings on a pig, but you don't make it an eagle."

"You know, everybody makes mistakes when they are president."

"You know the one thing that's wrong with this country? Everyone gets a chance to have their fair say."

Hillary Clinton:

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers."

"We are the president."

"In the Bible it says they asked Jesus how many times you should forgive, and he said 70 times 7. Well, I want you all to know that I'm keeping a chart."

Al Gore:

"I invented the internet."

George H. W. Bush:

"I have opinions of my own, strong opinions, but I don't always agree with them."

"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another."

George W. Bush:

"More and more our imports are coming from overseas."

"In the long run, the right answer to unemployment is to create more jobs."

"See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda."

"You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test."

"They misunderestimated me."

Dan Quayle:

"It's a question of whether we're going to go forward into the future, or past to the back."

"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."

"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago."

"I love California-I practically grew up in Phoenix."

"My friends, no matter how rough the road may be, we can and we will, never, never surrender to what is right."

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."

"We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world."

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."

"It isn't pollution that is hurting the environment, it's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

"Hawaii has always been a very pi