School Absence Excuses

 

School Absence Excuses

Fortunately for the rest of the world, most schools aren’t as strict as mine was. The following are actual excuses filed by parents to explain the absences of their children.

 "My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him."
(Talk about strict parents. Most kids just get grounded)

 "Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral."
(More loving parents planning to get rid of their children)

"Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick, and I had her shot."
(Yet another overly strict parent. What is this world coming to?)

"Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33."
(He’s been so absent they had to add days to the month to include them all)

"Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip."
(We looked all over and just can’t find it)

 "Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side."
(A few square yards might have been ok, but a whole acre? He could be out for a while)

"Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels."
(He must suffer from Tourette Syndrome)

 "Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust."
(He was very attached to that bust)

 "Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault."
(Well to be fair, the mother is also responsible for creating a child)

"Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever, and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night."
(Whoa, there must have been something really wrong with him)

"Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday."
(That’s why we have calendars)

"Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps."
(That’s wrong on so many levels)

 "Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover."
(Gangs can be very rowdy and exhausting house guests)

             In the High School I went to, they had extremely strict attendance policies.  Any student found to be absent in any class had to prove themselves to be sick by a note signed by their doctor, or prove to have been attending a funeral by bringing in an obituary or funeral pamphlet. Any other excuse was not valid. Anyone failing to produce proper documentation was immediately failed from any class with any unexcused absences, regardless how high their grades were beforehand. Parent excuses were automatically discounted because it was assumed that they would lie to excuse their children. Due to a typo in a roll sheet I was told I would have my 4.7 weighted GPA dropped to a 0.0, failed for my senior year, have to re-take 12th grade, and be put to work in the following Saturday School (Where they used detainees as cheap forced labor).

Because of the strict policies and high cost of doctors visits, most children were forced to go to school sick. Without being allowed to rest and recover, their immune systems had little chance against sickness and they stayed sick for often weeks at a time. During this time, they spread germs around and often infected most of the people around them. This made more children sick for longer periods of time and any small sickness spread like wildfire. The end result of the strict attendance policies was that it actually caused and fueled the very problem it was put in place to correct. The irony is, if they had actually allowed students to take time off to recover, most would lose far less school time and spare their fellow students from suffering the same ailments.

Published Thursday, January 31, 2008 9:36 AM by mike
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