School Absence Excuses
Fortunately for the rest of the
world, most schools aren’t as strict as mine was. The following are actual excuses
filed by parents to explain the absences of their children.
"My son is under a doctor's care and should not take
P.E. today. Please execute him."
(Talk about strict
parents. Most kids just get grounded)
"Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have
to attend her funeral."
(More loving parents
planning to get rid of their children)
"Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick, and
I had her shot."
(Yet another overly
strict parent. What is this world coming to?)
School: Please ekscuse
John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33."
(He’s been so absent
they had to add days to the month to include them all)
"Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days.
Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip."
(We looked all over
and just can’t find it)
"Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his
(A few square yards
might have been ok, but a whole acre? He could be out for a while)
"Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very
(He must suffer from
was absent yesterday because he missed his bust."
(He was very attached
to that bust)
"Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's
(Well to be fair, the
mother is also responsible for creating a child)
"Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a
fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick,
fever, and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I
wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around,
her father even got hot last night."
(Whoa, there must have
been something really wrong with him)
"Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday.
We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday,
we thought it was Sunday."
(That’s why we have
"Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was
in bed with gramps."
"Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a
(That’s wrong on so
(Gangs can be very
rowdy and exhausting house guests)
In the High
School I went to, they had extremely strict attendance policies. Any student found to be absent in any class
had to prove themselves to be sick by a note signed by their doctor, or prove
to have been attending a funeral by bringing in an obituary or funeral
pamphlet. Any other excuse was not valid. Anyone failing to produce proper
documentation was immediately failed from any class with any unexcused absences,
regardless how high their grades were beforehand. Parent excuses were
automatically discounted because it was assumed that they would lie to excuse
their children. Due to a typo in a roll sheet I was told I would have my 4.7
weighted GPA dropped to a 0.0, failed for my senior year, have to re-take 12th
grade, and be put to work in the following Saturday School
(Where they used detainees as cheap forced labor).
Because of the strict policies and
high cost of doctors visits, most children were forced to go to school sick.
Without being allowed to rest and recover, their immune systems had little
chance against sickness and they stayed sick for often weeks at a time. During
this time, they spread germs around and often infected most of the people
around them. This made more children sick for longer periods of time and any
small sickness spread like wildfire. The end result of the strict attendance
policies was that it actually caused and fueled the very problem it was put in
place to correct. The irony is, if they had actually allowed students to take
time off to recover, most would lose far less school time and spare their
fellow students from suffering the same ailments.