Reality Check

School Absence Excuses

             In the High School I went to, they had extremely strict attendance policies.  Any student found to be absent in any class had to prove themselves to be sick by a note signed by their doctor, or prove to have been attending a funeral by bringing in an obituary or funeral pamphlet. Any other excuse was not valid. Anyone failing to produce proper documentation was immediately failed from any class with any unexcused absences, regardless how high their grades were beforehand. Parent excuses were automatically discounted because it was assumed that they would lie to excuse their children. Due to a typo in a roll sheet I was told I would have my 4.7 weighted GPA dropped to a 0.0, failed for my senior year, have to re-take 12^th grade, and be put to work in the following Saturday School (Where they used detainees as cheap forced labor).

Because of the strict policies and high cost of doctors visits, most children were forced to go to school sick. Without being allowed to rest and recover, their immune systems had little chance against sickness and they stayed sick for often weeks at a time. During this time, they spread germs around and often infected most of the people around them. This made more children sick for longer periods of time and any small sickness spread like wildfire. The end result of the strict attendance policies was that it actually caused and fueled the very problem it was put in place to correct. The irony is, if they had actually allowed students to take time off to recover, most would lose far less school time and spare their fellow students from suffering the same ailments.

Fortunately for the rest of the world, most schools aren’t as strict as mine was. The following are actual excuses filed by parents to explain the absences of their children.

 "My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him."
(Talk about strict parents. Most kids just get grounded)

 "Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral."
(More loving parents planning to get rid of their children)

"Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick, and I had her shot."
(Yet another overly strict parent. What is this world coming to?)

"Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33."
(He’s been so absent they had to add days to the month to include them all)

"Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip."
(We looked all over and just can’t find it)

 "Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side."
(A few square yards might have been ok, but a whole acre? He could be out for a while)

"Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels."
(He must suffer from Tourette Syndrome)

 "Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust."
(He was very attached to that bust)

 "Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault."
(Well to be fair, the mother is also responsible for creating a child)

"Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever, and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night."
(Whoa, there must have been something really wrong with him)

"Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday."
(That’s why we have calendars)

"Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps."
(That’s wrong on so many levels)

 "Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover."
(Gangs can be very rowdy and exhausting house guests)

Accident Reports: Part 1

Our society has many loopholes and provisions riddled throughout it to protect people from having to take responsibility for their own actions. Even when responsibility can’t be evaded, people still seem to find ways to get around accepting blame. For example, on Saturday, December 29, 2007, a man drove into oncoming traffic and came to rest with his car firmly embedded in a telephone pole. He told officials that his accident was caused by a Pterodactyl. Full Article The following are actual accident reports filed to explain what might be considered rather irresponsible behavior.

 
"In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
(Talk about overkill. He must really hate flies)

"The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
(This is why most people drive straight. They also generally try NOT to hit people)

"An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished."
(It must be one of those Russian spy cars. Few have lived to tell about them)

"A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."
(If you’re going to attack a driver, make sure to have an escape route)

"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
(Some people never remember to use their ramming signal)

"I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment."
(He was willing to sacrifice himself to rid the world of that terrible woman. What a noble, noble man.)

"I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car."
(Good writers are not necessarily good drivers)

"The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him."
(Ridding the world of one indecisive person at a time)

"I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."
(I have to commend this one. Most people would fall asleep after the first 20 hours or so)

"I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."
(That’s how it is with power steering. Give it an inch, it takes you into oncoming traffic)

"Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."
(Ahh, denial. The first step is to admit you have the tree. Also you should stay out of other people’s homes when driving)

"I thought my window was down; but found it was up when I put my hand through it."
(Some people don’t know their own strength... and some don’t know much about glass either)

"I was taking my canary to the hospital. It got loose in the car and flew out the window. The next thing I saw was his rear end, and there was a crash."
(After distracting the driver with his rear end, the canary fled the scene. He is still at large)

"I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner when it was struck by the other car in the same place where it had been struck several times before."
(Get up, have breakfast, back out of the driveway, collide with the neighbor… Yep pretty normal morning)

"The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."
(The direct cause was a big guy in a fast car with slow reflexes)

Strange State Laws: Florida

One of the most messed up systems in place in the world today is our system of laws. The very job of a lawyer is in effect to uphold the law. Today, the majority of lawyers spend most of their time finding ways to subvert and undercut the very laws they were originally intended to uphold. With a good lawyer and an emotionally swayed jury, criminals who failed to rob innocent people have been known to finally rob them through the legal system instead. For example, in July 2006, Dana Buckman held up AutoZone employees with a semi-automatic pistol. The employees beat him with a pipe and held him at bay with his own gun. He is now suing the employees for causing undue emotional distress. Unfortunately sometimes the very people these courts are sworn to protect become victims of its corruption.

 While many aspects of the justice system are very unjust, some of the most interesting aspects are some of the laws that were once written into our state legal system. While many are obscure and outdated, they all make you wonder just why they were ever written in the first place. This is the first installment of some of the more peculiar state laws.

 
If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
(Notice, there is no law prohibiting tying a rhinoceros to a parking meter. I’d like to see them try to slap a parking ticket on that)

Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
(Especially those with lots of chest hair)

The state constitution allows for freedom of speech, a trial by jury, and pregnant pigs to not be confined in cages.
(Well, we can see what their priorities were back then)

Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
(Maybe that's why their warning labels read: “WARNING: DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING”)

A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
(If you’re going to parachute on a Sunday, you had darn well better be married)

It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
(Looks like Britney Spears is out of luck)

You are not allowed to break more than three dishes per day, or chip the edges of more than four cups and/or saucers
(This is bad for both clumsy waiters and Greeks)

Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal.
(It’s also just plain impractical)

Warning: Labels Part 2

    There is so much material on warning labels alone that I have broken them up into many installments. And now I will be adding my own comments in parenthesis below. Keep an eye out for more in the future.

 On a pocket knife:
"WARNING: keep out of children."
(Stabbing children is generally frowned upon in our culture)

On a package of silly putty:
"Do not use as ear plugs."
(This could save us a lot of doctor visits)

On a Frisbee:
"Warning: May contain small parts."
(…or just one large plastic part. Perhaps “small” is a relative term)

On a battery:
"Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use."
(DO NOT USE THIS PRODUCT)

  On a toilet bowl cleaning brush:
"Do not use orally."
(Looks like I will need to go buy a new toothbrush)

In the manual for a heated seat cushion:
"Warning: Do not use on eyes."
(This is to discourage people from sitting on their faces)

 In the manual for a microwave oven:
"Do not use for drying pets."
(This is a video simulation of this process using a Furby as an example. Furby In The Microwave)

On a label inside a protective bag for fragile objects, measuring 15cm x 15cm x 12cm:
"Warning: Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause injury and death."
(Warning labels have to cover minorities, including 15 cm tall people)

On a can of air freshener:
"For use by trained personnel only."
(I am scheduled to go to an air freshener certification training seminar next weekend)

On a motorcycle helmet-mounted rear-view mirror:
"Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you."
(Mirrors can be very confusing)

On a novelty rock garden set called "Popcorn Rock”:
"Eating rocks may lead to broken teeth."
(It’s true. Just ask your dentist)

Printed on a coffee cup:
"Caution: Hot beverages are hot!"
(Brilliant deduction)

On a product called "Rubber Band Shooter":
"Caution: Shoots rubber bands."
(Well that’s good to know)

On a birthday card for a 1 year old:
"Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less."
(Perhaps when he’s 3 he will be ready for it)

On a laser pointer:
"Do not look into laser with remaining eye."
(This label assumes you haven’t learned your lesson from burning out your other eye)

On an electric cattle prod:
"For use on animals only."
(Oh but they have SO many other uses…)

On a can of air freshener:
"Keep out of reach of children and teenagers."
(Sometimes teenagers can be far more dangerous and much dumber)

“WARNING: DANGEROUS FISH”

How do you get someone to take you seriously when you warn them that fish might jump out of the water, into their boat, and attack you causing severe physical damage? This was just one of the dilemmas faced by the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission where I used to work.

One of the biggest problems they had last year was an increasing number of boating accidents. Not just typical run of the mill boating accidents, though. These accidents were caused by FISH ATTACKS. In the Suwannee River, sturgeons commonly jump out of the water when startled by a passing boat. Sturgeons are tough, bony fish known to grow to lengths exceeding 12 feet long. Boaters hit by sturgeons often suffered broken limbs or severe abrasions as the heavy body of the massive fish collided with them at high speeds. I heard about a girl who was deeply cut and nearly died from a fish wound. This is an article written by the FWC on one of the sturgeon attacks. http://www.floridaconservation.org/whatsnew/06/northcentral/plantcitysuwannee.html I have lots of other stories from my days at the FWC but those will have to wait for later posts.  

  WARNING: Labels Part 1

 We have all heard the story of the 81-year-old woman who spilled her McDonald's HOT coffee on her lap and found out that it was indeed HOT. While the fast food chain was in fact just living up to its advertising, the court awarded her $2.9 million. This ruling opened the eyes of the general public as to just how dangerous stupid people can be with the right jury in place. This sparked a wave of over-cautious warning labels to protect people from their own stupidity, and more so to protect manufacturers from liability to stupid people.

 This is just a small sampling of the many ridiculous warning labels I have fished up. These are real warning labels printed on real products by real people who are actually paid to write them.

 * Printed in an information booklet:
"Do not use if you cannot see clearly to read the information in the information booklet."

 * On the cooking sleeve of a “HOT Pocket”:
“WARNING: Contents HOT when heated.”

 * On a can of self-defense pepper spray:
"May irritate eyes."

 * On a hair dryer:
"Do not use in shower." and also “Do not use while sleeping."

 * On a curling iron:
"For external use only!" and also "Warning: This product can burn eyes."

 * On a cardboard sunshield that keeps the sun off the dashboard:
"Do not drive with sunshield in place."

 * On a 13-inch wheel on a wheelbarrow:
"Not intended for highway use."

 * On a bottle of shampoo for dogs:
"Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish."

 * On an "Aim-n-Flame" fireplace lighter:
"Do not use near fire, flame, or sparks."

 * On a toilet at a public sports facility:
"Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking."

 * On the case of a chocolate CD from a gift basket:
"Do not place this product into any electronic equipment."

 * On a pair of shin guards for cyclists:
"Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover."

 * On a plastic toy helmet used as a container for popcorn:
"Caution: This is not a safety protective device."

 * On a battery:
"Battery may explore or leak."

 * On a toner cartridge for a laser printer.
"Do not eat toner."

 * On a Holmes bathroom heater:
"This product is not to be used in bathrooms."

 * On a container of underarm deodorant:
"Caution: Do not spray in eyes."

Reality Check

 Why does a warning label have to tell us that our Hot Pockets will become HOT when heated? Why are some people far more equal than others? Why do our leaders become mere actors who give people whatever they want in hopes of staying popular? Why do our actors that become popular enough get elected as leaders? Why do environmentalists spend millions of dollars each year to save a few animals when millions of people silently starve to death unnoticed and neglected? Why do bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad ones? Why do we spend so much time working to get that thing we know will make us happy when a single act of kindness can change a stranger’s world?

………......Why am I asking all these rhetorical questions?

 Because reality as we know it is sick and desperately in need of a checkup. This blog is dedicated to not only examining our society but prescribing a little laughter to pass around. After all, laughter is the best medicine. I will be searching out and exploring some of the ridiculous, hilarious, controversial, and horrible aspects of this world. I hope to do more than just brighten your day a little and give you something to forward to your friends and coworkers. I want to challenge the way you see this world and perhaps even challenge you to make it a little better. After all, no one can save the world, but everyone can. Just start small with those around you. You have no idea how far a little kindness can spread.