The Top Prosthetic Weapons and Users in Film

Raikus — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 17:55:00 GMT

There's no denying that prosthetic weapons are cool. Who hasn't dreamed about replacing your hand with a Stihl chainsaw in the middle of a painful workday? Or having helicopter blades pop out of your head so you could just fly away? Well we're going to rank, for the first time in the history of the internet, the best prosthetic weapons and users on three criteria: utility, deadliness and coolness. In order to make it on this list the character had to appear in a movie, had to be flesh and blood and a part of them has to be a weapon or have been replaced by a weapon (i.e. Luke's hand doesn't count because they replaced his hand with a hand). No gloves, suits or accessories. On to the list!

Captain Hook (Hook / Peter Pan)

Utility: 2
Let's face it, a hook for a hand doesn't afford that much utility. All you can do it poke things with it. And did you ever wonder why so many pirates wore eye patches? It's because they had hook hands and forgot in the middle of the night when their eye itched. ARRRRRRGH! indeed.

Deadliness: 3
Captain Hook wasn't very deadly with his hook. His nemesis was a preteen boy whom he could never defeat. The hook did give him an edge in a sword fight -- allowing him to block and even ensnare the sword -- but not enough to trump flight. And let's face it, if he really was a badass with this thing he wouldn't be scared of no crocodile. In fact, he'd be eager for a rematch convinced he'd come away with some nice new leather boots.

Coolness: 3
Maybe you found Captain Hook mildly scary when you were a kid, but he's a joke and everyone knows it. Sorry Captain, you're at the bottom of the list.

Jaws (The Spy Who Loved Me / Moonraker)

Utility: 5
Jaws had a prosthetic set of stainless steel teeth that could bite through nearly anything. He gets a higher utility value because he can eat $5 steaks and two week old french bread, but that's where the utility ends.

Deadliness: 2
In order for Jaws to kill you he'd have to bite you. Not only that, he'd have to bite you somewhere vital. His preferred method was biting out the jugular of his enemy, but as you can see in the above picture it's nothing Bond is too concerned about. I'd be more afraid of catching a finger in there or something. Deadly? Hardly. But it'd hurt like Hell.

Coolness: 2
Although he was the only Bond henchman to appear in two consecutive films (until Mr. White in Casino Royale / Quantum of Solace) he still was a Roger Moore Bond villain. That already takes away a lot of the coolness points. Then factor in that his preferred bling is stainless steel instead of the obvious gold and diamonds and you've got a pretty square henchmen.

Candyman (Candyman and sequels)

Utility: 2
Again, hooks just aren't that useful. Unless you're moving masses of meat around all day it just doesn't seem like that much of a benefit. Of course, in Candyman's case, that's exactly what he does.

Deadliness: 4
Now there's no doubt that Candyman uses his hook to deadly effect better than any other hooked-handed villain, but his main weakness is that you have to ask for it. In order for Candyman to kill you you have to say his name into a mirror five times. That condition really hurts the deadliness scale. If a more commonly used bathroom phrase like, say, "I need more toilet paper" summoned him, he'd immediately shoot up to an 8.

Coolness: 5
Candyman is rather middle-of-the-road when it comes to horror villains. He's a tragic villain whose death was due to racism and the whole bee angle is unique. Not as cool as Freddy but not nearly as unhip as the "I Know What You Did Last Summer" shoreman.

Edward Scissorhands (Edward Scissorhands)

Utility: 2
Edward is undoubtedly the best topiary designer in the community, but his inability to lay down in a water bed is glaring.

Deadliness: 5
While Edward is an extreme pacifist there's no denying the deadliness of his scissor hands. If you have any doubt, just talk to the ghost of his mutilated father whom Edward made from just plain "dead" to "dismembered."

Coolness: 6
Although Edward is an extreme introvert he has a huge heart with lots of emotional scaring. What really pushes him into the upper half of the scale, along with being the what-to-wear model for every emo kid, is that he's played by one of the coolest actors in the world.

Riderman (Kamen Rider Super-1: The Movie)

Utility: 8
Riderman lost his arm when he was falsely accused of being a traitor to the evil organization Destron. Being a smarty pants scientist he created an assortment of addons for his now missing right hand, including the swing arm, power arm, rope arm, net arm and drill arm. Of course he wasn't smart enough to include a tooth brush attachment so he only gets an 8.

Deadliness: 3
Deadliness wasn't really Riderman's bag. Most of his prosthetics were mobility based attachments. His power arm, for instance, could crush bone and cut flesh but was mostly used to break locks and get rid of obstacles. His swing arm did have a wicked looking mace that extended from the base via chain that could do some damage... if you didn't know how to duck.

Coolness: 2
A living action figure (with accessories), Riderman isn't anywhere in the cool spectrum. Of course, he's from a Japanese show from the late 70's and early 80's. That time period is like a coolness black hole.

Machine Girl (Machine Girl)

Utility: 3
Having a giant Gatling gun for an arm doesn't leave you much room for activities like juggling and petting puppies.

Deadliness: 7
A Gatling gun provides quite the kill count if used correctly. While Machine Girl is just a typical school girl, it's not hard to aim if the gun IS your arm. And being a Gatling gun she had plenty of ammo to connect with her target.

Coolness: 5
The idea of a Japanese school girl with a giant gun for an arm sure is appealing. Normally the coolness factor would be be very high, but I can't help but take away points for originality. Two others on our list are a direct influence for this character and they both did it better. Sayonara Machine Girl.

Inspector Gadget (Inspector Gadget)

Utility: 10
Our first 10 ranking is well deserved. Inspector Gadget has proved (mostly in his cartoon series than in his pitiful film career) to be unmatched when it comes to the utility of his devices. If he can think it, he can do it. Although it typically turns out to be the wrong item needed at the time.

Deadliness: 1
Inspector Gadget is an investigator, not a fighter. All of his prosthetics are PG and are nearly incapable of killing. I guess with his accident record there is the possibility for him to yell "Go, go gadget skates!" and have his helicopter blades pop out beheading Penny and/or Brain. For that, I'll rank it a one.

Coolness: 4
Although this list is technically ranking film characters it's hard to not let the cartoon version of the Inspector leak through a bit. If judged solely on the Matthew Broderick and French Stewart versions we'd have our first negative rating.

Barret Wallace (Final Fantasy: Advent Children)

Utility: 3
Again, having a gun for a hand doesn't afford the ability for much else. Yes, I know that in Advent Children they showed Barret with a hand that turned into an arm but HOGWASH. Barret will always be the little polygonal Mr. T running around an exploding Shinra facility cussing up a storm.

Deadliness: 8
Barret is deadly alright. Now only does he have his base gun arm, but he can upgrade. At the peak of his power he can unleash a devastating Big Shot which is like a little mini Nuke.

Coolness: 7
Barret is still one of the most remembered and beloved characters from a Final Fantasy series. He don't put up with no jive and will do anything to save his darling daughter. He's a man's man with a gun arm.

Mr. Wink (Hellboy 2)

Utility: 7
I'll probably get flack for ranking Mr. Wink as highly as he is, but the numbers don't lie people! First, his utility is fairly good. His hand does everything a normal 3 fingered hand does, except his is giant, metal and can deliver K.O. punches from 30 yards away. Mr. Wink's right is connected by chain to his arm so he can propel a massive jab and reel it in quickly. Pretty nifty.

Deadliness: 6
Mr. Wink's mechanical hand is a deadly addition when coupled with his natural forest troll strength. Although not the brightest bulb, he is the perfect henchman who will carry heavy stuff, follow orders without question and delay adversaries long enough for the main villain to escape. His hand is capable of crushing, squeezing and bludgeoning the average human to death in an instant and the added range makes sure that few escape.

Coolness: 5
Although Mr. Wink isn't the coolest cat in the kennel he does benefit by being designed by Guillermo Del Torro.

Hellboy (Hellboy / Hellboy 2)

Utility: 6
Hellboy's red "Right Hand of Doom" is just like a regular hand -- except huge, made of stone and a key to unlocking the ancient gods. He can still pet kittens, eat pancakes and punch any supernatural evil-doers right back down to Hell.

Deadliness: 5
Red's hand might be his second most used weapon (right behind the Samaritan -- his oversized pistol), but it sure comes in handy (get it?). Long after the Samaritan has run out of ammo the red right hand can still be hammering away. Although not instantly lethal, Hellboy commands tremendous strength capable of besting other prosthetic hand creatures on our list. You definitely wouldn't want to take a right hook from him.

Coolness: 8
Hellboy is undoubtedly one of the coolest little hellspawns even unleashed onto celluloid. Although he's been around since World War 2 he's mentally only that of a teenager. And like most teenagers he's a smarmy little brat. Unlike most teenagers, he uses his powers for good; never for evil. He's definitely a character you wouldn't mind catching a few beers with.

Ash (Evil Dead, Evil Dead II, Army of Darkness)

Utility: 2
Unfortunately not a huge score to start off with Ash. A chainsaw is good for two things: killing deadites and cutting wood. And Ash is all out of wood. Although Ash does get the use of his hand back with some medieval steampunk engineering it's best to remember him as the DIYer would replaced his evil hand with a chainsaw. Sweet.

Deadliness: 7
Chainsaws are deadly. If you don't believe me, watch a Lumberjack competition on ESPN 2 one day. Of course for a chainsaw to be lethal you have to be in range. Luckily all of Ash's foes have one thing in mind -- swallowing his soul -- and I guess that's an up close and personal operation. The only bad thing is potentially running out of gas. Then it's time to rely on the old Boomstick.

Coolness: 10
Ash has been and will forever been the coolest kicker of undead ass. Did he freak out when his buddies and girlfriends were being possessed and trying to kill him in a small cabin in the woods? Well, yes, but he quickly regained his composure. Did he faint when the evil got into his hand? Hell no, he chopped it off at the wrist with an axe (depending on the movie). He even stood up to true evil in the corporeal form and all he got was a little gray streak (and sucked into the dark ages). Whether dealing with primitive screwheads or directing shoppers at the S-Mart, Ash always has the coolest of heads on his shoulders. Sometimes even two.

Cherry Darling (Planet Terror)

Utility: 4
Cherry lost her leg when some sickos pulled it off her. Luckily her old flame was around and he made something for her. The result is an assault rifle complete with grenade launcher for a leg. Give credit to Cherry, she handles it well. Although it puts a limp into each step, this new leg gives her the ability to launch herself over walls. She'd really clean up if she ever entered the WNBA.

Deadliness: 9
Officially the deadliest prosthetic weapon on our list. Not only is it high-caliber death from long range, but she can shoot rocket grenades from it as well. What really pushes it up the death scale is Cherry's uncanny ability to use her newfound toy to lethal effect and that she never has to reload it. Weird, I know, but she never has to reload in the movie. It's a magic movie gun leg.

Coolness: 7
There's something undeniably cool about a former stripper with an automatic weapon for a leg that knows how to use it. Her death dance at the end of Planet Terror is enough to cement herself to the top three of any weapon appendage list.

Wolverine (X-Men, X-Men 2, X3, X-Men Origins: Wolverine)

Utility: 5
Wolverine's adamantium claws are good for cutting, slashing and stabbing, but they don't serve much practical purpose. Of course Wolverine makes the best of them. He can climb walls, cut through doors and even groom himself (what else explains his ridiculous haircut?). The neat thing about them is when he doesn't need them *SNIKT* they're gone.

Deadliness: 8
Wolverine's claws are no joke. They can literally cut through anything. The problem is they're a short range weapon and that's the only thing that makes these six blades of death an 8.

Coolness: 9
If there is any doubt to Wolverine's coolness consider that not even Brett Ratner and Gavin Hood could put a dent in his popularity. And believe me, after those two awful movies they gave it their best shot. Although I don't want to tempt it by giving McG a shot, I'd say that Wolverine's badassery transcends the best hacks Hollywood can throw at it. As the man says, "I'm the best I am at what I do." Indeed he is.

The Wastebucket : inspecot gadget

The Top Prosthetic Weapons and Users in Film