Top 5 Commercials that Should be Shot in the Head and Buried in a Shallow Grave

Raikus — Fri, 05 Dec 2008 16:50:00 GMT

Here's a top 5 list of commercials that should have been killed during the testing phase, but somehow made it to our televisions to aggravate us and make us hate the products that they're advertising.

#5 - Mucinex: All of Them

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I never grasped why animating bodily fluids would seem like a good idea. There's this thing that humanity has created for situations like this -- it's called subtlety. You don't have to create a snot monster and render him in 3D like a damned Pixar character. You just tip-toe around the subject with terms like "it will have you breathing clearer" and "for a fresh, deep breath," not "Mucinex in. Mucus out." That's just nasty. Have some damned manners, will you? Not only do these commercials offend audibly, but visually as well. Oh how sweet. A family of mucus slime. That's just something you can get behind. See? That's my subtle way of saying the people who made these commercials deserve a free lobotomy.

#4 - Walmart: Carol of the Bells

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Riiiiight. Have you ever seen an enthusiastic Walmart employee? One that even bothers to smile when you look at them? Almost every register worker I've seen is to lazy to turn their light on to begin with, let alone figure out the timing and synchronization necessary to "play" their register light to music. Not to mention, have you ever seen so many lanes open? I never understood why Walmart had 57 register lanes in every store when the most they ever have open is six. Is it for fire hazard reasons? Or because they have no other place to put 53 metric tons of Tic Tacs and bubble gum? You could show me a video of a monkey building a spaceship and flying it to a banana-shaped planet and I'd believe it before I believed Walmart employees could actually do this.

#3 - E*Trade: Baby Vomit

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I'd love to have been a fly on the wall during this concept meeting.

"You see, the baby talks about how easy it is to buy stocks and then... he throws up all over himself!

"Wow, Fred, that's amazing. Because ratings have show people love nothing more than seeing baby's projectile vomit!"

"I know, let's air it during the Superbowl!"

The only reason I don't list this is the #1 most offensive spot is because there are a few people that actually like it. They think it's cute. I guess because it has a baby. Because if I replace the baby with, oh, I don't know, Danny Devito and filmed this spot I guarantee no one would think it was cute. In fact, I'm pretty sure watching Danny Devito puke all over himself would get this taken off the air of most networks. WHO WANTS TO SEE THIS? Throw up? Really? Is this puke you can believe in? Should there be such a thing?

No. No is the correct answer here.

#2 - Toyota: Saved by Zero

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Ugh. There hasn't been such a quickly hated commercial as this since Head On ~~(apply directly to the forehead)~~. First, the song is awful. Second, they play the chorus four times in the spot. Third, they bought a sports package so large that it rivals the actual sport broadcast. If you're a fan of football you can count on hearing this stupid commercial during every team timeout and referee review. It's insane. I have to praise the media buyer on this one. Good job. You definitely know how to place your media. To the creative team who developed this spot, all I can say is BURN IN HELL YOU NO TALENT HACKS! You've caused actual suffering, mental anguish and damage. The way our litegious society is going I'll probably be able to class-action sue you in three years. Just get ready because few people have escaped being annoyed by this commercial. Your comeupance will soon be at hand.

#1 - AT&T: Talking Thumbs

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Oh God. Oh God! OH GOD MY EYES!

If you can get past the bad concept (Thumb Wars anyone?), and the horrible stereotyping (a black guy, geek, emo girl, slacker and airhead -- really AT&T?) there's still the absolutely vomit-inducing quips (maybe the E*Trade baby was listening to this while purchasing stocks). "That's insanium in the cranium, dog." I just want everyone to know that it actually hurt typing that. Really, my left hand is cramping with shame. It baffles me how commercials like this actually get made. Where are the Dan Drapers to step in and snuff out these ideas like a smoked cigarette? No one stepped up and just said "this idea is dumb" during the entire process? Is there no quality-control left in the work?!

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If you have other suggestions for commercials you hate, post them in the thread. I'd love to develop a top 10 list in the next week or so.

Ad Headlines That Will Save Your Life (If They Don't Give You a Heart Attack First)

Raikus — Tue, 28 Oct 2008 15:01:00 GMT

http://gadgets.boingboing.net/2008/10/28/prevent-head-explosi.html

Evidently there’s an epidemic of head explosions and no one has told me. I find this troubling, as it seems that someone’s head exploding would make the news somewhere. And if LOTS of people’s heads were exploding I’d like to at least see a 30 second mention on the next Headline News segment. I keep hearing news about ugly dog contests and how Charles Barkley is going to run for political office again, but nothing – not one linked story to popping craniums.

And look at all the head exploding activities one can perform. Skydiving, mountain biking, skiing, rock climbing, scuba diving – these just became the most dangerous sports in the world. No train or plane travel either. You may save some travel time compared to the traditional methods of car, boat or carriage, but you risk serious side effects.

So is this a conspiracy? Some natural form of adventure sport enthusiast population control? Can our one small glimmer of salvation be found in the hands of an ear pump?

Probably not. Most likely this is just another case of product hyperbole, but are you willing to take that chance? As the article states, “It’s $60, which is a tad expensive, but you really can’t put a price on your skull not exploding.”

Well now, evidently you can.

The Wastebucket : headline

Top 5 Commercials that Should be Shot in the Head and Buried in a Shallow Grave

Ad Headlines That Will Save Your Life (If They Don't Give You a Heart Attack First)