The Wastebucket

13 TV Shows that were Canceled Before their Time

2010-05-12T15:49:00Z

There are a lot of TV shows that were well written, beautifully show, had killer actors but just didn't make it. These are TV shows that passed before their time due to being the wrong show for the wrong time, having too high of a budget or just because the TV execs didn't get it. So let's pretend that we've discovered some mutated 13 fingered monkey paw and can wish shows back into existence to finish their well-deserved runs. These are our picks.

Dead Like Me

Premise: What happens when you die? Most pass on to their deserving afterlife, but for a select few they limbo on Earth for a while performing Grim Reaper duties. Reaping, as it's referred to in the show, is tough work. It requires a network in each community to take the souls of people before they die. That "before they die" part is especially important for George's reaper group, who deals with traumatic deaths and murders. If the soul isn't pulled from the body prior to death that person could experience a lot of pain and even go a little insane due to the circumstances. Once the soul is pulled it accompanies the Reaper until it's time to shuffle off this mortal coil and go to their destination.

George (or Georgia), the show's protagonist, is a teenage do-nothing who -- after getting a job at a new temp agency -- promptly dies from the common toilet falling from space. As she was her Reaper's last job, she now becomes the newest Reaper on the block (think of it as the Reaper Clause) and has to learn the ropes.

Why we love it: While featuring an unknown in the leading role, the rest of the cast is full of superb actors. Mandy "You Killed My Father, Prepare to Die" Patinkin plays the Reaper leader Rube. Callum Blue, Jasmine Guy (Whitney from "A Different World") and Rebecca "Noxema Girl" Gayheart (though briefly) fill in as supporting cast. As cool as the Grim Reaper angle is, what really made this show shine was the disgruntled relationship of George and her overbearing -- dare we say bitchy -- mother Joy and her strange yet adoring sister Reggie. How George deals with her own death and, more importantly, how Joy and Reggie deal with George's death is a constant and interesting theme explored throughout the show's two seasons. While this series did get a movie to try and wrap things up, it was an utter disappointment.

Brimstone

Premise: What do you do when there's a massive prison break on the highest security prison in eternity? Well if you're the warden -- who's also known as the Devil -- and that prison is Hell, you let another prisoner out so he can round up the escapees. Ezekial Stone is a former cop who killed his wife's rapist. After getting shot and killed himself he goes to Hell for that sin. He makes a deal with the Devil -- track down the 113 demon fugitives and send them back to Hell. In exchange, he'll get a second chance at his life on Earth.

Why we love it: If we had to pin our love for Brimstone on one thing, it would be Jon Glover's performance of the Devil. Glover plays the role in a gleeful, sarcastic and witty way that personifies what you'd think old Lucifer to be. There are some very cool parts to the series -- like the fact that Ezekial always wakes up with the contents of his pockets on the day he was killed ($36.27 which is a reference to Ezekial 36:27) and that all the demons have to be sent back by destroying the "windows to the soul." Still, it always comes back to Glover and what a presence he is to watch on the screen. Unfortunately we only had 13 episodes to relish it.

Strange Luck

Premise: Not many people remember this mid-90's show starring D.B. "Toe Pick" Sweeney, but if you've never seen it you missed out. Sweeney plays Chance Harper, a man who literally has Lady Lucky riding shotgun with him at all times. If he needs some money, he scratches off a lottery ticket and there it is. Unfortunately his luck has both good and bad effects on the people around him. As a freelance photographer that usually means he's there at the most opportune time to snap the shot. The show centered on Harper trying to help those around him and the search for his long lost brother.

Why we love it: Strange Luck was full of quirks and interesting plot points. Chance's luck was almost like its own character -- or at least a well made MacGuffin -- that continually pops up to drastically change the story. There was a bit of fan service with the show as references to Fox's main hit, the X-Files, entered the series. However, the reason we love Strange Luck so much is because of its last episode. Music, plot and emotion has almost never been blended as perfectly as in "Lightning Strikes" where Chance rushes to save a man set to be executed in the electric chair for a crime he didn't comment. Speedy to the prison with the real killer in his car, Chance runs off the road and hits an electric pole. This kills the power at the prison just as the switch is being thrown and a live wire at the site cooks the actual murderer -- all while set to Live's "Lightning Crashes."

Love Monkey

Premise: Part Jerry McGuire and part High Fidelity, Love Monkey was a fun drama starring Tom Cavanagh best known for Ed fame. Tom is a music executive that gets fired from his major record label job and decides to open a competing independent music agency. The show was kind of hipster, kind of romantic and a lot of fun. The travesty is that CBS canceled this show after 3 episodes although the rest of the episodes (in all totaling 8) ran on VH1.

Why we love it: Love Monkey had that magic that's hard to define. The feeling was much like High Fidelity in that you loved the main character and felt that world. It was someplace you wanted to be. On top of that there was a great supporting cast that included Judy Greer as Tom's best friend, Ivana Milicevic (from Casino Royale) as Tom's possible love interest and Jason Priestly, Larenz Tate and Christopher Wiehl as Tom's male buddy group.

Freaks and Geeks

Premise: Set in 1980 and featuring the lives of "normal" high school students, Freaks and Geeks explored the series's namesakes through a cast of characters that went from smart kids to stoners to burnouts to nerds to bullies and everything in between. Written and directed by Paul Feig and Judd Apatow, this show starred some of the best actors of its generation -- as it would later prove through the success of its cast. If it helps, think of it as a more fleshed out and recent version of "Wonder Years."

Why we love it: We'd be remiss to not mention Freaks and Geeks in a best canceled TV show thread. The show took a decidedly real approach to early 80's youth showing both the good and bad sides. There were no "feel good" endings and plot points continued for nearly all of its 18 episodes. Hauntingly realistic and full of faces that you know now, Freaks and Geeks fills that void of High School memories that we never see portrayed on TV (save for My So Called Life).

Life

Premise: Damian Lewis (best known for playing Major Winters in Band of Brothers) starred as Charlie Crews in this cop drama that was on NBC for two seasons. Crews, a former cop imprisoned for 12 years for a triple murder, gets released after DNA evidence proves he didn't commit the crime. As part of his wrongful imprisonment settlement with the city, Crews received $50 million in compensation and is reinstated as a homicide detective on the force. Crews also comes back with zen-like peace gained from the many books on tape he listed to while in Pelican Bay.

Why we love it: Charlie Crews is one of the coolest and most interesting characters to even hold a badge. The show centers around his return to the police force that falsely imprisoned him, including working with his old partner, and tensions are extremely high. For most of the show you're not sure on which side certain characters come down (good or bad) and tag along as Crews and his partner (who's father just happens to be one of the primary suspect for the crime Crews was imprisoned for) solve murders and Crews works on solving his own case. The show had two great seasons that resulted in Charlie getting his man -- in one of the most satisfying endings to a season-long criminal -- and calmly walking into the sunset. Unfortunately, it was capable of doing so much more.

Farscape

Premise: What do you get when you mix Jim Henson Company puppets with a SciFi character drama? Only one of the best shows every created -- Farscape. Farscape followed the brash and often arrogant American astronaut John Crichton who was flung through a wormhole to the far reaches of space. There he finds a living ship called Moya who is manned by an assortment of alien refugees and fugitives. Crichton battles against a hostile force ironically called the Peacekeepers and their leader, Scorpius, who is keen to unlock the secrets to wormhole technology that he thinks is stored in Crichton's brain. Farscape lasted four glorious season and saw each season grow to be better and better. It ended up winning multiple critic awards and paved the way for more serious SciFi dramas like the reimagined Battlestar Galactica and Stargate Universe.

Why we love it: Farscape provided one of the richest experiences of any show ever made. The characters were diverse (especially considering two were Henson puppets), deep and the plotlines just kept coming. Crichton was played to the pinnacle of cocky, sarcastic protagonist by Ben Browder and his character worked well with the icy Aeryn Sun (played by Claudia Black) and bipolar villain Scorpius. The series didn't wait around for new adopters and instead rewarded its dedicated audience with layers upon layers of history and depth. Ultimately we did see a three hour "conclusion" to the series with the Farscape: The Peacekeeper Wars but Farscape could have been and deserved to be a long-lasting series. Anyone that says otherwise can go frell themselves.

Sports Night

Premise: Sports Night was about a fictional ESPN Sportscenter-type show and the lives of the people working on it. It centers around the two Sports Night anchors and the behind the scenes crew that put together the show. Although it started off as a sitcom, complete with laugh track, Sports Night always enjoyed a drier, more realistic sense of humor. By the end of the first season the laugh track was ditched and season two continued as it really should have been the whole time. Bad for us, Sports Night never saw a third, fourth or fifth season.

Why we love it: Sports Night was the quintessential fast-talking, on your toes, intellectual comedy. It coupled sports, humor and quality actors like Peter Krause (Six Feet Under), Josh Charles, Felicity Huffman (Desperate Housewives) and Joshua Malina (West Wing). If you ever watched Aaron Sorkin's more well known drama, the West Wing, and said, "Hmm, this would be awesome if instead of politics this was about sports" then Sports Night was your show.

Greg the Bunny

Premise: In a world where muppets and humans exist equally (or close to it), Greg the Bunny gets cast as the new co-host of Sweetknuckle Junction. Clearly based on Sesame Street as evident by Count Blah and other show references, the show is made for kids although the show itself is often using very adult humor. The show starred Seth Green as a son wanting to impress his father (played by Euguene Levy of American Pie fame) and best friend of the title character. It also included a more human cast but the focus was always on the muppets.

Why we love it: Aside from creating one of our favorite sayings: "Crayons taste like purple!" Greg the Bunny mixed muppets and people in a wonderful world full of comedy and very, very odd situations. The decidedly adult comedy set in such a kiddish show was a favorite of ours. Still, Professor Ape, Count Blah, Greg and Tardy the Turtle made this show. Chalk full of quotable lines and great laughs, Greg the Bunny should have lasted much longer than its allotted 13 episodes on Fox.

Carnivale

Premise: Set during the Depression in Dustbowl America, Carnivale follows the path of young Ben Hawkins as he befriends and becomes part of a traveling carnival. The carnival is led by the mysterious and unseen "Management" who's mouthpiece is the dwarf Samson. Paralleling Hawkins story is the story of Brother Justin Crowe, a Methodist preacher who begins following his own path. Throughout the series Biblical allegories are thrown around like rice at a wedding and we discover the both Hawkins and Crowe have supernatural powers. The main question is which is powered by good and which by evil and, in the end, who will win out.

Why we love it: Carnivale was a brilliant show that unfolded like a series of novels. The settings of the period piece were perfectly constructed and the foreshadowing was spooky and mysterious. Nearly all the characters in Carnivale were interesting and each filled with an unknown quality. Management was a driving force behind keeping the show interesting as we wanted to see what their plans for young Hawkins might be. In the end though we had closed one chapter and were itching to watch another... and the show ended. Carnivale remains one of the largest unfulfilled shows in the history of TV and it was ultimately done in by its tremendous budget.

Anything with Andy Richter in it

Premise: There are two things you should know about Andy Richter: he's a funny, funny man and he can't stay employed. Over the last eight years Richter has helmed three shows that held so much potential -- Andy Richter Controls the Universe, Quintuplets and Andy Parker, P.I. -- and cohosted one of the most famous canceled shows in history -- The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien.

Andy Richter Controls the Universe lasted 19 episodes and featured Andy as an aspiring short story writer who makes his living drafting technical manuals for a large corporation. It follows his everyday life and his pining for the new secretary that's dating his best friend. Show creator Victor Fresco has since repackaged the series and it is currently on air as Better Off Ted.

Next up was Quintuplets which saw Andy as the father of quintuplets who made a moderate income at an advertising agency. The show lasted 22 episodes before being canceled. Then it was on to Andy Barker, P.I. which stars Andy as an accountant opening his own business. While accounting doesn't go as well as he had hoped, luck would have it that his new office is a private investigator's old office and clientele still come in asking for P.I. services. Andy starts moonlighting as a P.I. for additional income and find out quickly he's in over his head. It only lasted 6 episodes.

Finally we have the ill-fated Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien. We won't talk about that one much here as almost everyone knows the story, but let's just say Richter has some very bad luck. Sorry Conan.

Why we love it (him): Didn't you hear us when we said that Richter was a funny, funny man? Well, he is and all of his shows showcase it (with the possible exception of Quintuplets). Both Andy Richter Controls the Universe and Andy Barker, P.I. were exceptionally funny shows. Richter's clumsy and sometimes clueless comedy matched with his big heart gave these shows an added dimension that allowed them to surpass typical comedies. If you have a chance to catch either two of those shows, do so.

Firefly

Premise: Created by mastermind Joss Whedon (creator of Buffy, Angel and Dollhouse), Firefly followed the transport ship Serenity on its travels through the "Verse" (a future set in 2517 where humankind has expanded to different planets of the galaxy and began terraforming them). After a massive civil war that saw the Alliance defeat the Browncoat rebels, Capt. Malcolm Reynolds skips around picking up odd and (usually) illegal jobs to keep his crew flying. Basically a western in space, Firefly became one of the most loved TV shows ever to be utterly botched and screwed over by a network. Firefly only lasted 14 episodes (three never aired) after Fox ran the series out of order and failed to promote it.

Why we love it: The only reason that this show isn't #1 is because we got the exceptional Serenity movie to help complete the series. Firefly firmly goes down as one of the best shows ever created, from concept to execution, and will likely have a cult following for decades. Firefly was full of beautiful CGI that set the mood and characters that didn't just portray their characters, but became them. There were no bad characters in the series, only ones that some people liked more than others. How can you argue that Capt. Tight Pants is better than the Hero of Canton? Or that Kaylee is a better character than Inara. Firefly worked because everyone shined like an equal. It hurt when certain characters blinked out of the Verse forever in the movie, but that speaks even more for how good of a series this proved to be.

The Adventures of Brisco County Jr.

Premise: If Firefly was a Western set in space, then The Adventures of Brisco County Jr. was a SciFi show set in the West. Following famous B-movie actor Bruce Campbell as the title hero, Brisco County Jr. sets out to avenge his father's death at the hands of the John Bly Gang. Soon it becomes evident that Bly is after an odd artifact called the orb that hold great and unknown power. Throughout the series, Brisco and his horse Comet (with whom he converses frequently) search for Bly and the orb along with Socrates Poole (a lawyer for Brisco's employee and cataloger of his adventures) and Lord Bowler (Brisco's rival and eventual partner). The show lasted 27 episodes.

Why we love it: C'mon, you really have to ask that? First, it has Bruce Campbell, one of the best machismo actors ever born. We could watch him chew bread for an hour -- he's that good. On top of that you have a beautiful blending of Western, SciFi, Fantasty and Steampunk that still hasn't been topped. The show had adventure, story, acting, comedy and style and even though it ended with Brisco rounding up all of the John Bly gang and finding out exactly who Bly was and why he wanted the orb, it still ended to soon. If we could revive just one TV series as was, it would be this one.

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So there you have it. Do you agree or disagree with any of the picks? Have your own shows that you think should have made the top 13? Let us know in the comments below.

I'm on Team Conan. How Conan O'Brien has shown integrity, sincerity and humor throughout The Tonight Show fiasco.

2010-01-15T14:55:00Z

The largest entertainment news for the past week has been the future shuffling around of NBC's late night TV lineup. For those not in "the know" here's a quick recap. Jay Leno officially handed over the reigns of The Tonight Show to Conan O'Brien seven months ago. After announcing his "retirement," Leno got his own primetime show starting at 10 PM on NBC. Flash forward to the present where the Jay Leno Show is ranking last in its time slot and The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien has coughed up the top late night ratings spot to David Letterman. All of this has prompted Jeff Zucker, the head of NBC, to throw a major wrench in the gears of NBC's late night line up -- and now it's all falling apart.

Zucker's brilliant solution to this problem is to reinstate Leno in the late night fraternity by giving him a show that would start immediately after the local news at 11:35 PM. It would be condensed to a 30 minute show and bump The Tonight Show back to 12:05 AM. Naturally this represents a problem. Namely that The Tonight Show wouldn't be on "tonight" anymore. It's also a question of shaking up a show that has been the epitome of late night talk for over 55 years and as close to a historical landmark as you can get on TV. There was also the problem with not telling the current Tonight Show host, Conan O'Brien, that any of this was happening.

Understandably Conan was fairly upset. He has been a late night host since 1993 when he was signed to the Late Show (which follows The Tonight Show on NBC). Previous to his hiring he was a writer for The Simpsons and Saturday Night Live -- both shows that have been around for over 20 years (35 in SNL's case). Although Conan's initial ratings with the Late Show were fairly abysmal, he developed an audience over the years and ended his final season with 1.98 million viewers. During his 17 year stint on The Late Show, Conan has proven himself to be, what many would argue, the funniest man after 11:30.

Conan has made no secret that his ultimate goal has been to host The Tonight Show -- a show he sees as "the greatest franchise in the history of broadcasting."

After Jay Leno signed off from his last show, Conan officially took control of The Tonight Show and moved from his New York studio to the Universal Studios in Hollywood. Conan also relocated his entire crew and their families across the continent to begin working on the show. Now, only seven months later, he's willing to walk away from hosting his dream job for a word most people don't use, or at the very least don't practice, anymore -- integrity.

In a statement released on January 13th to "the people of Earth," Conan outlined what a great travesty the late night shakeup was to the history and future of The Tonight Show. "I've been suddenly put in a very public predicament and my bosses are demanding an immediate decision." He continued to outline what he thought is the only way for The Tonight Show to succeed -- "It was my mistaken belief that, like my predecessor, I would have the benefit of some time and, just as important, some degree of ratings support from the prime-time schedule. Building a lasting audience at 11:30 is impossible without both."

Conan's decision was finally made out of love for a show he had grown up admiring. "I cannot express in words how much I enjoy hosting this program and what an enormous personal disappointment it is for me to consider losing it. My staff and I have worked unbelievably hard and we are very proud of our contribution to the legacy of The Tonight Show. But I cannot participate in what I honestly believe is its destruction." And with that Conan made his intentions known to NBC -- if they proceed to push The Tonight Show back to a tomorrow morning slot, Conan will no longer be a part of it.

Since then both Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien have been making public comments about the situation in their nightly monologues. And that's where the hilarity has come into play.

"My name is Conan O'Brien, and I may soon be available for children's parties." –Conan O'Brien

"My people are upset. Conan's people are upset. Hey, NBC said it wanted drama at 10:00 -- now they've got it!" –Jay Leno

"There's a rumor that NBC is so upset with me that want to keep me off the air for three years. My response to that is if NBC doesn't want people to see me, just leave me on NBC." -Conan O'Brien

"Sure you heard these rumors that NBC is talking about canceling our show. You know what that means? I didn't sleep with any of my staff for nothing." –Jay Leno

"Hosting The Tonight Show has been the fulfillment of a life-long dream for me. And I just want to say to the kids out their watching, you can do anything you want in life. Unless Jay Leno wants to do it, too." –Conan O'Brien

Even other late night hosts are getting their jibs in. Jimmy Kimmel, host of ABC's Jimmy Kimmel Live, came out dressed as Jay Leno on his show the other night. "Hello, my name is Jay Leno. You might have known, I'm taking over all of the shows in late night. Even this one. Great to be here on ABC. You know what ABC stands for? Always Bump Conan. That's right. Anyway, Conan O'Brien today announced he's leaving NBC. He released a statement that said, I won't participate in the destruction of the Tonight Show. Fortunately, though, I will." –Jimmy Kimmel (as Jay Leno).

That prompted David Letterman, Leno's rival on CBS, to say, "Last night on ABC, Jimmy Kimmel did the entire show as Jay Leno. Jimmy Kimmel was so convincing as Jay Leno, they canceled him."

The final cherry on this entire situation looks to be deserving placed by Conan O'Brien who yesterday posted The Tonight Show for sale on Craigslist. Listed in the "collectibles" section, it read, "4 SALE: BARELY-USED LATE NIGHT TALK SHOW -- MAKE ME AN OFFER!!!" and continued to list the amenities and sales pitch:

"This is a chance of a lifetime to own your very own late night talk show -- guaranteed to last for up to seven months!! Really must see to appreciate."

"Information for potential buyers: Measures 100' x 100' x 32' -- plenty of room for a futon! Designed for 11:35 but can be easily moved. Band can be sold separately. Buyer must honor Barry Manilow booking next Thursday. MAKE ME YOUR BEST OFFER!!!!! (Also willing to trade for Coldplay tickets)."

Unfortunately the Craigslist ad was removed early this morning, but it solidifies, at least for this author, that Conan is the funniest host of the bunch. And while the entire situation has devolved to a Conan vs. Jay contest, it's really NBC and David Zucker who is the loser. However this shakes out, I'm on Team Coco.

Update: Right after posting this news spread that NBC has bought out Conan's contract. He will be leaving NBC and is free to pursue other networks. It's rather sad as Conan is still getting fired from the best job he's ever wanted, but we're sure he'll be making us laugh for a long, long time wherever he goes.

The Top TV Commercials of the Decade

2009-12-17T19:10:00Z

Adweek recently came out with their "Best of the Decade" list which included a "Commercials of the Decade" section. Watching some of these brought back some great memories. As a former advertising creative myself, I've always paid attention to the best and funniest TV spots. Here are some of the highlights from the Adweek list.

Honda - "Grrr"

This Honda spot was voted the best commercial of the decade (non-superbowl) by the people of Adweek. "Grrr" is a beautiful spot with some great music and CGI effect. And it's all about the product with the message running behind the scene throughout the spot. Still, I personally wouldn't have given it the number one spot. There's even another Honda commercial -- "Cog" -- that I'd put ahead of it.

Bud Light - "Swear Jar"

"Swear Jar" was voted the number one spot by Adweek readers for commercial of the decade. It's a very funny spot that takes a scenario and focuses -- like nearly all Bud Light commercials -- on the product itself. The setting is what works here. To think of your coworkers laying down language like this and it being sanctioned by management to cover the cost of some Bud Light makes it all the funnier.

Phillips - "Carousel"

In a close second (and by "close" I mean one vote), the readers voted in Phillips's "Carousel" spot. "Carousel" is a brutal and imaginative work that shows a police/bank robber shootout frozen in time. Not all is as it seems though, and the revolving shot circles back to tell a story with a great twist. It's almost early M. Night Shyamalan-esque.

Cadbury - "Gorilla"

"Gorilla" is one of my personal favorites. It's a masterful blend of music, visuals and hilarity. Using Phil Collin's "In the Air Tonight," the spot opens on closeups of a calm but intense gorilla. I don't want to spoil the surprise, but the moment the camera pans back to reveal what the gorilla is doing you'll start chuckling. Then the guffaws will start flying as the drumming kicks in.

Dove - "Evolution"

They say that the point of advertising is to tell the truth -- just not the whole truth. Well this Dove "Evolution" must not have heard the last part. There's no gimmicks to this one. It simply shows what the process from real to marketing entails and it's shocking. The point of the spot is simple: show young girls that what they see on TV and billboards is unrealistic and that their beauty is a true one.

Nike - "Tag"

One of the first "urban playground" spots for Nike, "Tag" still ranks as the best one out there. The sheer scope of the shot and teamwork involved to bring the idea together is staggering. Just to entertain for a moment that a place like NYC could be turned into one big playground with everyone abiding by the same set of game rules makes you feel good. And that's exactly what Nike likes to go after -- feelings.

Honda - "Cog"

As I mentioned before, "Grrr" may have been given the "Best Commercial of the Decade" trophy, but I still believe this Honda spot is a better one. "Cog" had a simple idea, but the simplicity began and ended there. They wanted to make a Rube Goldberg type of spot using parts from the new Honda Accord. Forgoing convention and logic, the makers didn't do it with CGI or camera tricks -- they actually did it! It took two days before the perfect one camera shot turned out, but when it did it make an immortal commercial. People will still be talking about this one decades from now.

Halo 3 - "Diorama"

Halo 3's "Diorama" spot is just about as rare as it gets. It's a commercial about a video game that uses no shots from the game itself. It is completely motionless (aside from the end). Heck, it even transfers into another medium (that of sculpture). And perhaps most impressive of all is that this spot about a fictional video game with space aliens and super-soldiers actually makes you feel emotion. It's an amazing accomplishment and an amazing commercial.

Reebok - "Terry Tate"

As far as corporate motivational idea go having an office linebacker ranks high up there. As the "Terry Tate" commercial shows, any prolonged break or absence of cover sheet on your TPS report can be met with some hard NFL justice. And it seems to work. After all, I doubt Doug will be placing any long distance calls with LB Tate on the prowl.

Levi's - "Crazy Legs"

What would a top commercials post be without a Levi entry? To be fair, I struggled with this one and debated on putting "French Dictionary" (known for its excellent use of "Playground Love") or the wall-breaking "Odyssey." But in the end "Crazy Legs" won out due to its appeal to most everyone. The commercial, which was filmed using a top half actor and bottom half actor has a great use of music and scenery. Not to mention the guy sure beats the pants off that Evolution of Dance guy.

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Well there's my thoughts on the best commercials of this decade. Do you think I missed some? Have a few suggestions that didn't make the list? Feel free to comment below and let me know.

Is the Higgs Boson Particle Traveling Back in Time to Kill Sarah Conner?

2009-10-14T14:39:00Z

It's there... somewhere. Popular models of known physics say that it has to exist, but no one has found it. Can the elusive "God Particle" ever be discovered or is Higgs Boson the universe's ultimate "reset" button?

For those that don't casually follow particle physics, the Higgs boson particle is a theoretical elementary particle (a particle that is so base it is not made up of any other components) that would help explain the origin of mass in the Universe -- that is, where the "big" in "big bang" came from. Without the idea of the Higgs boson particle there could be no way to explain the original creation of mass and how particles are actually held together. In essence, it's the glue of the universe.

Enter the Large Hadron Collider -- a particle super-collider built by the European Organization for Nuclear Research (or CERN -- don't ask) built specifically to prove or disprove the existence of the Higgs boson particle. You've probably heard about it. When it went online (briefly) in September of last year many doom-and-gloomers were fearful that it could destroy the world -- either through the creation of a black hole singularity or through some other unimagined consequence of trying to find the "God particle." After all, this is the particle thought to be attributable for all mass in the Universe. Who knows what smashing protons together at incredibly high speeds to reveal this particle could do.

However the LHC never got much use. Only nine days after going online it had a fault with one of the magnets responsible for bending the protons along the circular path of the collider. That, along with a few other issues, has led to a projected date of December of this year before it can be brought online once again.

A very eccentric theory suggests that the problems experienced by the LHC might not be coincidence. It may actually be the Higgs boson particle at work.

Particle physicists Holger Bech Nielsen (who is one of the founders of String Theory) and Masao Ninomiya both devised a theory in 2008 that the Higgs boson particle could be so abhorrent to nature that it would actually travel against time to halt its own creation. Normally such an outlandish theory would have no credence, but considering the source (two highly respected physicists that are at the top of their field) coupled with the extreme trouble the LHC has been having people have began taking notice of it.

Let's discuss the theory as if it were true. The idea is that, in an alternate timeline, the LHC was built and performed as expected. It succeeded in smashing protons together and exposed (or even created) the Higgs boson particle for the first time in our reality. If we look at the universe as a machine with a series of checks and balances, then Higgs boson -- a particle that travels in the opposite direction of time -- could represent the smallest ever wrench in the largest ever gears. Just the introduction of the particle could create a chain reaction that would destroy the universe. So with the universe's use of checks and balances it makes the Higgs boson particle perform its own reset -- it travels back in time from the point of its creation and changes the probability that it will ever be made.

That would mean that we're currently living in a second (or third, fourth, fifth, etc.) timeline in which Higgs boson is trying to make sure it's never created.

The idea of a particle traveling counter to the flow of time may hang a lot of people up, but that's only if you think of time as a string or river (as it is popularly shown as). However if we think of time as a dimension it doesn't seem nearly as crazy. If time truly is the fourth dimension then you should be able to move around in it. After all, you can move up/down/left/right/etc. in the second dimension and the third dimension introduces depth and space to your abilities. Only in the first dimension do things have no option but to remain at rest or go forward. So unless the fourth dimension cycles back to the first dimensional way of thinking there should be a way to traverse it like the second and third. Perhaps Higgs boson is the means for that.

The most interesting part of the Nielsen/Ninomiya theory is that Higgs boson is a probability changer. What if the odds as everyone knows them are no longer using the same equation, only no one told the odds makers? If we introduce a particle in the future that can come back in time, how would we know it's there? Yet it still would be there representing another element that we're not taking into account.

Another way to think of it is as a deck of cards. Except in this deck there are tens of thousands of cards. Also in this deck is one "death card" -- or a card that represents a halt in progression. The chances are tens of thousands to one that you draw the death card. So odds are you'll never discover it and will continue progressing towards the future. However if the probability of drawing the death card is somehow raised and you draw it, it would represent a fundamental change in future progress.

That could be the largest danger that the Higgs bosom particle represents -- a game changer that no one knows about. So what would happen if the LHC succeeds in discovering the Higgs boson? Would this timeline simply come to a stop, crumble all together or revert to a past point where the final destruction could be changed.

No one can say for sure but it sure is fun to think about.

The Best Places to Buy Your Limited Edition and Custom Shirts Online

2009-08-04T13:27:00Z

Are you the type of person who scoffs at tee designs in Target and Wal-Mart? Do you dislike the mainstream designs that you see in stores comprised mostly of skulls, birds and trees? Do you have a unique style and like to wear interesting and even artful shirts? Well boy howdy have you stumbled upon the right blog post. I'm going to walk you through some of the best custom apparel places out there and let you know when, how much and where to go to get the coolest torso-covering material out there.

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Place: Shirt.Woot
Price: $10 for daily shirt, $15 for top twenty best sellers
Availability: New shirts daily and the top twenty best sellers
Style: Mostly smooth and simple illustrations.

Shirt.Woot is one of the oldest custom daily shirt sites on the web and one of the most successful. All of their designs are submitted by artists that are, Monday through Thursday, hand-picked by the staff at Woot. They also run weekly design derbies where artists are given a theme and submit their entries. The entries are voted on by the Woot masses and the top three are sold Friday through Sunday. This allows Woot to evolve to the tastes of its audience and highlight new and upcoming designs that capture their demographic.

The shirts themselves are American Apparel which is arguably one of the best made apparel lines and they sell men's, women's and kid sizes. They introduce a new shirt every day for $10. After that, you can still buy the design for the next week for $15 after which the shirt enters the "reckoning" which is alot like Highlander, except instead of there only being one, there are twenty. The top twenty designs based on sales continue to be available at $15 a pop. This is a really great way to buy designs you may have missed in the past. The current chart oldest selling design is at 90 weeks.

I have bought many, many shirts from Woot. The quality is always amazing and the wear and tear is minimal. If you're in to more cartoony designs that are simple or have a clever message then check them out.

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Place: Threadless
Price: From $5 on sales to $20. Most run $15-$18
Availability: Hundreds of designs available. New designs introduced on Mondays.
Style: Extremely clever or beautiful designs -- some type only, some graphic only -- but all have excellent artwork.

Threadless is a constant source of witty, clever, arty and just plain amazing shirts. They aren't a shirt-a-day site. Think of them as an online retail store that has hundreds of designs available at one time. Designs do sell out, but the most popular are reprinted again for another run. One of the best things about Threadless is their regular sales. They mark down designs into $5, $10 and $15 categories and you can really get some great bargains. The normal prices are a bit higher than most of the other sites on this list ($15-$20), but you get what you pay for.

Like Shirt.Woot, Threadless gets its designs by picking submitted art from designers and it's available for vote by the Threadless members. Unlike Woot there is no theme or time restriction and Threadless doesn't go strickly by vote totals when picking designs. They sell the gamut of sizes in addition to kids and even long sleeved shirts, hoodies, wall decals and prints.

The only thread I have to pick with Threadless (ahem) is that their shirts are inconsistent. Due to them having such a large catalog of designs -- some printed a year ago or some printed this week -- the shirt stock changes. Sometimes designs print on thicker or thinner shirts, or shirts that have a tighter or looser fit. Unfortunately there's no way to tell. I've bought a few designs that I absolutely love but can't wear due to the fit being uncomfortable. Still, there's almost nowhere better to get shirts that will strike up a conversation than Threadless.

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Place: Teefury
Price: $11
Availability: Available for one day only.
Style: Range from artistic to cutesy. Usually run large designs. Loves animal designs.

Teefury is one of my favorite shirt-a-day sites. Their designs range from simplistic, cutesy, artsy or iconic and, in rare cases, all of the above. They always go big with their designs (a good thing in most situations) and have a great track record of putting some of the most popular designs out. There have been a few hick-ups lately with plagiarized work (a HUGE no-no in the custom shirt world) or traced designs that they've promoted, but the fault of that belongs to the artist that submitted the work. Still, a little more research on Teefury's part would go a long way to making sure things like that don't happen.

The people at Teefury are great, kind and helpful to the artist community and to their customers. They just finished celebrating their one year anniversary and within that year have established themselves as a top daily shirt site. The quality of the prints and designs are superb and the make of their shirts is my favorite out of all apparel styles (Note: Unfortunately Teefury has recently switched to Gillian tees which, while fitting nearly the same as their previous shirt, are slightly itchy and stiff. There's been a noticeable quality degradation because of it. While they still are wearable tees they are no where near the comfort that they used to be. Hopefully this is something Teefury can remedy soon). Teefury shirts take up more of my closet space than any other shirt site and for good reason -- they're one of the cheapest and the best.

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Place: RIPT Apparel
Price: $12.50 for Men's S-XL; $14.50 for 2XL and 3XL
Availability: Available for one day only and then gone forever.
Style: Artistically interesting -- sometimes very stylish, sometimes very questionable -- but nearly always very cool.

RIPT Apparel is a newcomer to the shirt-a-day group, but their interesting designs and low prices are getting them a lot of quick attention. RIPT sells one shirt every twenty-four hours and then sends it to the Graveyard to rest in peace. In fact, RIPT is an acronym for "Rest In Peace Tees." Being that they're less than two months old, they are still fighting the uphill battle of establishing a foothold in the shirt site market and only sell men's tees at this time. However they have plans to introduce female sizes in the near future which is a very good thing as they tend to sell a decent amount of designs that are feminine or effeminate.

RIPT takes a lot of chances with the designs they sell. Most are quirky and cool but appeal to a smaller market than, say, Threadless or DBH designs. But that's what makes RIPT so great. They're the only place to pick up designs like this. Their shirts aren't appealing to everyone 100% of the time, but often one comes up that fits your personality to a tee. In addition, the runners of RIPT have an excellent eye for shirts and spread the variety of designs to their audience exceptionally well.

The shirts themselves are a slightly lower quality than American Apparel, but they are by no means cheap, thin or bad quality. My main plus with RIPT is that their shipping speed is amazing. I once ordered a shirt on Thursday and received it on Monday. That's far faster than any other apparel company I've ever bought from.

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Place: Design by Humans - DBH
Price: $15 for shirt of the day, up to $25 for regular shirts. Plus $8.65 shipping for each order.
Availability: Large catalog of designs available for sale.
Style: The best place for custom artistic shirts, hands down.

Design by Humans is the place to go for quality artistic tees. You will see designs here that will absolutely amaze you. DBH has no limitations on colors or shirt printing so the artist can take full advantage of printing whatever they want. Due to this they constantly come up with beautiful works of wearable art.

The main criticism of DBH are the prices. Most designs run $25 per shirt and then there's a $8.65 shipping charge on top of that. However, when you think of the quality of print and design you're getting it's not a bad price at all. Most shirts of this caliber that are available in stores would sell for $65 or more. When put in perspective DBH shirts are a steal.

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There are many more shirt companies out there that I'm afraid I can't get to in this post. If you have the time, take a look at Teextile, Emptees and Shirt Fight. Also, there are some great compilation sites that round up all the daily shirt sales in one place: Daytee and TeeMagnet. Finally, if a shirt you love has sold out or is no longer available, your best bet may be checking out TeeTrade.org. There are a lot of never-to-be-printed-again designs up for trade and sale there.

I hope this has been a comprehensive guide to the best limited edition and custom shirt sites that are out there. If you have any questions about any of this please post a comment below and it will be answered.

The Revolution will be Twittervised

2009-06-15T18:09:00Z

Click on the picture to see the astounding larger version.

There is a monumental piece of history going on right this moment. Most people are familiar with the controversy of the Iran Elections that happened last week. Incumbent "President" Mahmoud Ahmadinejad somehow won 63.29% of a vote over a popular challenger that pre-election polls said he would lose. After Ahmadinejad defended the election and its results in a stilted press conference yesterday millions of Iranians have taken to the streets with shouts of "Death to the Dictator." Now the riots have gotten dangerous. Ahmadinejad's militia and police have begun severely beating protesters and there are currently reports of at least several people that have been shot and killed in Azadi Square in Tehran.

But we're not getting this news from conventional sources like CNN, AP and Reuters. We're getting first hand, unbiased and non-regurgitated news direct from the people of Tehran on Twitter. In a country where the release of information is controlled by the government, Twitter seems to be the only free form communication method left in the hands of the people -- and they're using it to great effect.

As I'm writing this tweets from Twitter users in Tehran keep coming in. Half a minute ago Twitter users posted: "our friends were beaten brutally today in azadi sq. and this was a peaceful and silent rally. oh god. what a nightmare." Another said, "Have you sseen how our own TV covered everything that happened? It's a shame!"

It's fascinating and scary to think that we could be witnessing a revolution at this very moment and that Twitter has provided the tool for those involved to broadcast it to the world as it's happening.

You can follow it yourself by searching for posts with #iranelection attached to them. Also, view real time tweets coming directly out of Tehran by going here.

If you want to educate yourself more on the situation surrounding the elections this Time article does a good job of walking through the stages.

The Top Prosthetic Weapons and Users in Film

2009-06-01T17:55:00Z

There's no denying that prosthetic weapons are cool. Who hasn't dreamed about replacing your hand with a Stihl chainsaw in the middle of a painful workday? Or having helicopter blades pop out of your head so you could just fly away? Well we're going to rank, for the first time in the history of the internet, the best prosthetic weapons and users on three criteria: utility, deadliness and coolness. In order to make it on this list the character had to appear in a movie, had to be flesh and blood and a part of them has to be a weapon or have been replaced by a weapon (i.e. Luke's hand doesn't count because they replaced his hand with a hand). No gloves, suits or accessories. On to the list!

Captain Hook (Hook / Peter Pan)

Utility: 2
Let's face it, a hook for a hand doesn't afford that much utility. All you can do it poke things with it. And did you ever wonder why so many pirates wore eye patches? It's because they had hook hands and forgot in the middle of the night when their eye itched. ARRRRRRGH! indeed.

Deadliness: 3
Captain Hook wasn't very deadly with his hook. His nemesis was a preteen boy whom he could never defeat. The hook did give him an edge in a sword fight -- allowing him to block and even ensnare the sword -- but not enough to trump flight. And let's face it, if he really was a badass with this thing he wouldn't be scared of no crocodile. In fact, he'd be eager for a rematch convinced he'd come away with some nice new leather boots.

Coolness: 3
Maybe you found Captain Hook mildly scary when you were a kid, but he's a joke and everyone knows it. Sorry Captain, you're at the bottom of the list.

Jaws (The Spy Who Loved Me / Moonraker)

Utility: 5
Jaws had a prosthetic set of stainless steel teeth that could bite through nearly anything. He gets a higher utility value because he can eat $5 steaks and two week old french bread, but that's where the utility ends.

Deadliness: 2
In order for Jaws to kill you he'd have to bite you. Not only that, he'd have to bite you somewhere vital. His preferred method was biting out the jugular of his enemy, but as you can see in the above picture it's nothing Bond is too concerned about. I'd be more afraid of catching a finger in there or something. Deadly? Hardly. But it'd hurt like Hell.

Coolness: 2
Although he was the only Bond henchman to appear in two consecutive films (until Mr. White in Casino Royale / Quantum of Solace) he still was a Roger Moore Bond villain. That already takes away a lot of the coolness points. Then factor in that his preferred bling is stainless steel instead of the obvious gold and diamonds and you've got a pretty square henchmen.

Candyman (Candyman and sequels)

Utility: 2
Again, hooks just aren't that useful. Unless you're moving masses of meat around all day it just doesn't seem like that much of a benefit. Of course, in Candyman's case, that's exactly what he does.

Deadliness: 4
Now there's no doubt that Candyman uses his hook to deadly effect better than any other hooked-handed villain, but his main weakness is that you have to ask for it. In order for Candyman to kill you you have to say his name into a mirror five times. That condition really hurts the deadliness scale. If a more commonly used bathroom phrase like, say, "I need more toilet paper" summoned him, he'd immediately shoot up to an 8.

Coolness: 5
Candyman is rather middle-of-the-road when it comes to horror villains. He's a tragic villain whose death was due to racism and the whole bee angle is unique. Not as cool as Freddy but not nearly as unhip as the "I Know What You Did Last Summer" shoreman.

Edward Scissorhands (Edward Scissorhands)

Utility: 2
Edward is undoubtedly the best topiary designer in the community, but his inability to lay down in a water bed is glaring.

Deadliness: 5
While Edward is an extreme pacifist there's no denying the deadliness of his scissor hands. If you have any doubt, just talk to the ghost of his mutilated father whom Edward made from just plain "dead" to "dismembered."

Coolness: 6
Although Edward is an extreme introvert he has a huge heart with lots of emotional scaring. What really pushes him into the upper half of the scale, along with being the what-to-wear model for every emo kid, is that he's played by one of the coolest actors in the world.

Riderman (Kamen Rider Super-1: The Movie)

Utility: 8
Riderman lost his arm when he was falsely accused of being a traitor to the evil organization Destron. Being a smarty pants scientist he created an assortment of addons for his now missing right hand, including the swing arm, power arm, rope arm, net arm and drill arm. Of course he wasn't smart enough to include a tooth brush attachment so he only gets an 8.

Deadliness: 3
Deadliness wasn't really Riderman's bag. Most of his prosthetics were mobility based attachments. His power arm, for instance, could crush bone and cut flesh but was mostly used to break locks and get rid of obstacles. His swing arm did have a wicked looking mace that extended from the base via chain that could do some damage... if you didn't know how to duck.

Coolness: 2
A living action figure (with accessories), Riderman isn't anywhere in the cool spectrum. Of course, he's from a Japanese show from the late 70's and early 80's. That time period is like a coolness black hole.

Machine Girl (Machine Girl)

Utility: 3
Having a giant Gatling gun for an arm doesn't leave you much room for activities like juggling and petting puppies.

Deadliness: 7
A Gatling gun provides quite the kill count if used correctly. While Machine Girl is just a typical school girl, it's not hard to aim if the gun IS your arm. And being a Gatling gun she had plenty of ammo to connect with her target.

Coolness: 5
The idea of a Japanese school girl with a giant gun for an arm sure is appealing. Normally the coolness factor would be be very high, but I can't help but take away points for originality. Two others on our list are a direct influence for this character and they both did it better. Sayonara Machine Girl.

Inspector Gadget (Inspector Gadget)

Utility: 10
Our first 10 ranking is well deserved. Inspector Gadget has proved (mostly in his cartoon series than in his pitiful film career) to be unmatched when it comes to the utility of his devices. If he can think it, he can do it. Although it typically turns out to be the wrong item needed at the time.

Deadliness: 1
Inspector Gadget is an investigator, not a fighter. All of his prosthetics are PG and are nearly incapable of killing. I guess with his accident record there is the possibility for him to yell "Go, go gadget skates!" and have his helicopter blades pop out beheading Penny and/or Brain. For that, I'll rank it a one.

Coolness: 4
Although this list is technically ranking film characters it's hard to not let the cartoon version of the Inspector leak through a bit. If judged solely on the Matthew Broderick and French Stewart versions we'd have our first negative rating.

Barret Wallace (Final Fantasy: Advent Children)

Utility: 3
Again, having a gun for a hand doesn't afford the ability for much else. Yes, I know that in Advent Children they showed Barret with a hand that turned into an arm but HOGWASH. Barret will always be the little polygonal Mr. T running around an exploding Shinra facility cussing up a storm.

Deadliness: 8
Barret is deadly alright. Now only does he have his base gun arm, but he can upgrade. At the peak of his power he can unleash a devastating Big Shot which is like a little mini Nuke.

Coolness: 7
Barret is still one of the most remembered and beloved characters from a Final Fantasy series. He don't put up with no jive and will do anything to save his darling daughter. He's a man's man with a gun arm.

Mr. Wink (Hellboy 2)

Utility: 7
I'll probably get flack for ranking Mr. Wink as highly as he is, but the numbers don't lie people! First, his utility is fairly good. His hand does everything a normal 3 fingered hand does, except his is giant, metal and can deliver K.O. punches from 30 yards away. Mr. Wink's right is connected by chain to his arm so he can propel a massive jab and reel it in quickly. Pretty nifty.

Deadliness: 6
Mr. Wink's mechanical hand is a deadly addition when coupled with his natural forest troll strength. Although not the brightest bulb, he is the perfect henchman who will carry heavy stuff, follow orders without question and delay adversaries long enough for the main villain to escape. His hand is capable of crushing, squeezing and bludgeoning the average human to death in an instant and the added range makes sure that few escape.

Coolness: 5
Although Mr. Wink isn't the coolest cat in the kennel he does benefit by being designed by Guillermo Del Torro.

Hellboy (Hellboy / Hellboy 2)

Utility: 6
Hellboy's red "Right Hand of Doom" is just like a regular hand -- except huge, made of stone and a key to unlocking the ancient gods. He can still pet kittens, eat pancakes and punch any supernatural evil-doers right back down to Hell.

Deadliness: 5
Red's hand might be his second most used weapon (right behind the Samaritan -- his oversized pistol), but it sure comes in handy (get it?). Long after the Samaritan has run out of ammo the red right hand can still be hammering away. Although not instantly lethal, Hellboy commands tremendous strength capable of besting other prosthetic hand creatures on our list. You definitely wouldn't want to take a right hook from him.

Coolness: 8
Hellboy is undoubtedly one of the coolest little hellspawns even unleashed onto celluloid. Although he's been around since World War 2 he's mentally only that of a teenager. And like most teenagers he's a smarmy little brat. Unlike most teenagers, he uses his powers for good; never for evil. He's definitely a character you wouldn't mind catching a few beers with.

Ash (Evil Dead, Evil Dead II, Army of Darkness)

Utility: 2
Unfortunately not a huge score to start off with Ash. A chainsaw is good for two things: killing deadites and cutting wood. And Ash is all out of wood. Although Ash does get the use of his hand back with some medieval steampunk engineering it's best to remember him as the DIYer would replaced his evil hand with a chainsaw. Sweet.

Deadliness: 7
Chainsaws are deadly. If you don't believe me, watch a Lumberjack competition on ESPN 2 one day. Of course for a chainsaw to be lethal you have to be in range. Luckily all of Ash's foes have one thing in mind -- swallowing his soul -- and I guess that's an up close and personal operation. The only bad thing is potentially running out of gas. Then it's time to rely on the old Boomstick.

Coolness: 10
Ash has been and will forever been the coolest kicker of undead ass. Did he freak out when his buddies and girlfriends were being possessed and trying to kill him in a small cabin in the woods? Well, yes, but he quickly regained his composure. Did he faint when the evil got into his hand? Hell no, he chopped it off at the wrist with an axe (depending on the movie). He even stood up to true evil in the corporeal form and all he got was a little gray streak (and sucked into the dark ages). Whether dealing with primitive screwheads or directing shoppers at the S-Mart, Ash always has the coolest of heads on his shoulders. Sometimes even two.

Cherry Darling (Planet Terror)

Utility: 4
Cherry lost her leg when some sickos pulled it off her. Luckily her old flame was around and he made something for her. The result is an assault rifle complete with grenade launcher for a leg. Give credit to Cherry, she handles it well. Although it puts a limp into each step, this new leg gives her the ability to launch herself over walls. She'd really clean up if she ever entered the WNBA.

Deadliness: 9
Officially the deadliest prosthetic weapon on our list. Not only is it high-caliber death from long range, but she can shoot rocket grenades from it as well. What really pushes it up the death scale is Cherry's uncanny ability to use her newfound toy to lethal effect and that she never has to reload it. Weird, I know, but she never has to reload in the movie. It's a magic movie gun leg.

Coolness: 7
There's something undeniably cool about a former stripper with an automatic weapon for a leg that knows how to use it. Her death dance at the end of Planet Terror is enough to cement herself to the top three of any weapon appendage list.

Wolverine (X-Men, X-Men 2, X3, X-Men Origins: Wolverine)

Utility: 5
Wolverine's adamantium claws are good for cutting, slashing and stabbing, but they don't serve much practical purpose. Of course Wolverine makes the best of them. He can climb walls, cut through doors and even groom himself (what else explains his ridiculous haircut?). The neat thing about them is when he doesn't need them *SNIKT* they're gone.

Deadliness: 8
Wolverine's claws are no joke. They can literally cut through anything. The problem is they're a short range weapon and that's the only thing that makes these six blades of death an 8.

Coolness: 9
If there is any doubt to Wolverine's coolness consider that not even Brett Ratner and Gavin Hood could put a dent in his popularity. And believe me, after those two awful movies they gave it their best shot. Although I don't want to tempt it by giving McG a shot, I'd say that Wolverine's badassery transcends the best hacks Hollywood can throw at it. As the man says, "I'm the best I am at what I do." Indeed he is.

Who Said It: Kayne West or Derek Zoolander?

2009-05-27T22:11:00Z

Voluminous windbag Kanye West is at it again. This time, he's not out to assault your ears with stupid quotes, outrageous comments and nonsensical rhyming. Nope, this time he's out to assault your eyes with the written word. Kanye, who says he doesn't read or respect literature, has dictated a book called Thank You and You're Welcome. Modest title, ain't it? This 52 page (though some pages are blank and others only include a few words) book is soon to be classic of the literary world so why not learn to your "Kanyeisms" (West's self-titled nuggets of "wisdom") now by playing a little game called "Kanyeism or Zoolanderism?"

Simply guess who said the following quotes -- rapper Kanye West or male model Derek Zoolander:

"Sometimes people write novels and they just be so wordy and so self-absorbed."
"I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking. And I plan on finding out what that is."
"I'm not an ambi-turner."
"I am a proud non-reader of books. I like to get information from doing stuff like actually talking to people and living real life."
"How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read if they can't even fit inside the building?"
"I am not a fan of books. I would never want a book's autograph."
"My mom taught me to believe in my flyness and conquer my shyness."
"Rufus, Brint, and Meekus were like brothers to me. And when I say brother, I don't mean, like, an actual brother, but I mean it like the way black people use it. Which is more meaningful I think."
"You think that you're too cool for school, but I have a newsflash for you Walter Cronkite... you aren't."
"I feel like to misuse, overuse or abuse someone is negative. To use is necessary and if you can't be used, then you are useless."

Ok now, no cheating. Post in the comments how many you actually got right. You can check them by selecting the hidden text below.

1-Kanyeism; 2-Zoolanderism; 3-Zoolanderism; 4-Kanyeism; 5-Zoolanderism; 6-Kanyeism; 7-Kanyeism; 8-Zoolanderism; 9-Zoolanderism; 10-Kanyeism

Are Japanese Restaurants the New Chinese Restaurants?

2009-05-19T15:57:00Z

It seems to be the latest restaurant fad -- Japanese Sushi Bar and Steakhouse restaurants. When most think of Japanese food they recall their times sitting around a flat grill with a dark haired, mildly Asian looking gentlemen throwing out poorly timed comments as he makes onion volcanoes and acts like a spatula playing Ringo. But now the Japanese Steakhouse is transitioning into a classy sit down environment that serves decorative looking sushi rolls and classic Japanese dishes like udon, terriyaki and tempura.

And they're everywhere.

Now I wouldn't call this a bad thing. I'm a big fan of Japanese foodstuffs -- particularly dishes like yaki udon or any tuna-based sushi. The vast majority of these new restaurants are very good and look nice. The prices are a bit higher than their Chinese counterparts, but still in the region of budget eating.

Last year at this time I recall there being three Japanese restaurants in my town. One was the typical hibachi steakhouse; one was a quick order that served excellent hibachi cooked dishes doused in white sauce; the last was a nice sit down that had the traditional dishes with the sushi bar option.

Same time this year it seems that every large shopping center how has its resident Japanese food parcel. Off the top of my head I can easily think of 8 places. Most are now the 2 parcel storefront in a shopping center that offers the sushi/dish mix.

When and why have they suddenly become so popular?

There's no denying that it's good food, but most dishes still need explanation to the general audience. The sushi fad has come and gone but retained some of it's swept-up audience. However, it still seems that for a populace used to the convenience of processed meat slapped between sesame seeded buns with a side of oil fried potatoes complicated food dishes is a long shot. Is it simply that we're all looking for something out of the norm? That the idea of grilled vegetables, shrimp, chicken and rice all seem a healthier alternative to a #8 combo?

Whatever the case there only seem to be more on the way. The owners must be putting a lot of faith into the adage "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach" and are gambling that shrimp tempura with a crazy tuna roll is the way to go.

A Guitar Hero's Best Kept Secret - Souldier Straps

2009-01-20T15:02:00Z

The best way to find a secret is to not be looking for it.

And so was the case when I first started my fan-driven, borderline stalkerish task of tracking down the guitar strap of Jeff Tweedy. For those not familiar with the rock scene, Jeff Tweedy is the front man of the band Wilco which so happens to be the best band in the world (according to a 2007 survey written and taken by myself). I first noticed his very distinct guitar strap when Wilco appeared on Saturday Night Live last year. It's a beautiful strap with owls that Tweedy has coupled with his vintage Gibson SG. Immediately I fell in love with the pattern.

Tweedy, with Souldier strap, at a recent show in Indianapolis

I don't know what string of search terms or how long it took me to stumble on Souldier Straps, but finding them opened up a whole new world for me. Before I (like many others, it seems) thought that purely functional guitar straps were merely obtained on the racks of the local music store or Guitar Center. But now I entered a world where people placed love and dedication (and customization!) into guitar straps and turned them from a mere support device into pure freaking art.

My search led me to Etsy.com where I found Souldier's store. There, on the page, were the owl straps. I could hardly believe it. They were the perfect design match to the one I'd been looking for. I contacted the seller and asked specifically if I could get the strap closest to the one purchased by Jeff Tweedy. The process was painless -- no, it was a pleasure. A week and about $40 later I had in my possession the sister strap to my favorite band's leadman.

But what's the big deal? So I got a certain design that they're going to print billions more of. Where's the uniqueness in that?

Ah, but that's one of the many things that makes Souldier stand out from the other strap manufacturers. First, they use vintage materials. The design fabrics that they use were made decades ago (in some cases over 50 years old) and there's only a limited amount. Once it's used up, they're gone forever. Second, they use recycled seatbelts as the base strap. This means you're going to have a strap that you could use to hang a car from if you wanted. Quality is a huge focus point for them. Third, they come with a lifetime guarantee. And finally, they are all hand-made from their store in Chicago.

When you buy a strap from Souldier you immediately have something in common with big name artists -- you both bought it. Souldier doesn't give their straps away or pay artists to pose with them. These are straps that performers appreciate and fall in love with themselves. If you keep a keen eye out, you'll even see familiar patterns worn by Jack White (White Stripes), Johnny Marr (Modest Mouse), Brooks & Dunn, Sheryl Crow and bands like Pearl Jam, Fleet Foxes, Sonic Youth, Panic at the Disco and Bright Eyes. It always energizes me seeing a band play and noticing that they're wearing a familiar design. It's great being in on the secret and knowing I can just contact Souldier and get the same high-quality strap for a moderate amount of money.

So far I've bought three Souldier Straps. One, as mentioned, to go with my Wilco autographed guitar and the other two of my own design to go with other guitars. I just got a new Gibson SG Classic and I'll be ordering another strap from them in the near future. I just have to take some time and create one that is as beautiful as the guitar.

Check out Souldier.us to see all of the patterns and all of the different ways you can customize and design your own strap or copy someone elses. I may sound like I'm gushing (and I probably am) but rarely do you feel as "in" on something as I do with this company. When I look at all of my Wilco memorabilia the Owl strap stands out as one of my most prized pieces. To me, it represents a sense of accomplishment; of something that few other people will own. By writing this, I'm hoping that this is a sensation you to will soon enjoy.

The Best SNL Digital Shorts

2009-01-16T15:58:00Z

Through a completely subjective method (based on how many smiles, chuckles or laughs each short gave me) I have compiled the absolute best SNL Digital Shorts. This is it. No need to check anywhere else. If it's not on this list then it isn't worth watching.

Extreme Challenge

What makes it funny: As with most SNL Digital Shorts, the humor comes from the simple blending of music and mimed motions. Wiig and Samberg do a great job of over-enthusiasm after every event. Plus, the sheer inanity of some of the contests (Hat Balance and Chair Pin) coupled with bringing the Ref's self-loathing in make a pretty complete skit -- a bit of a rarity for SNL. It's a good example that wacky can still mean fun.

The Japanese Office

What makes it funny: The impressions coupled with the culture. There needs to be a perfect storm of watching "The Office" and knowing a bit about Japanese culture to really appreciate this short. The character impressions are wonderful. Pam and Dwight work especially well in this new setting. I also like that there's not one bit of subtitle, but you still know exactly what they're saying (even Michael's "That's what she said" transcends translation).

Andy's Dad

What makes it funny: Sure, there's the over-the-top gay humor (a foundation of many of the Shorts), but the typical love scenes shot to Jonah's telling of the story really make this one work. Samberg plays the (rare) straightman for this one and it works great. And finally, THEY FINISHED A SKIT! I thought I'd never see it happen, but they actually made an ending. And even the ending is (somewhat) funny. Miracles do happen.

The Mirror

What makes it funny: Just the plain old "what the f#@$ was that" humor? Maybe a bit of a controversial pick, but I find this skit ridiculously funny. The thing is... I really can't explain why. The quick cuts just keep coming, the situation keeps changing and at the end of the skit you're not sure what you saw. That's comedy, right?

Iran So Far

What makes it funny: It was timely, the impression was dead on and the lyrics were really rhymey. They hit the mark perfectly with Armistead's Ahmadinejad impression and it came right on the heels of the Iranian President's visit to New York. This was the most topical short in their history and one of the funniest overall.

People Getting Punched

What makes it funny: Pure physical comedy (plus music). Ok, so it's cheap humor, but it's still funny. What really pushes this skit over the top is the Foo Fighters (DOUBLE PUNCH!) and Bon Jovi's (FULL RECOVERY!) appearances. The ending is crap, but the first half of the short is enough to make up for it.

Dick in a Box

What makes it funny: I don't really know. This always seemed like the perfect gift. I think star power pushes this one over the edge. Having Timberlake as part of the duo has the same affect as watching Tom Cruise's character in Tropic Thunder. Everything is funnier just because of who is doing it. Of course the 80's style wardrobe, beards and song pump it up a notch but the overall idea is really what makes this short stand the test of time (specifically with high school and college boys). It's destined to be the next "I'm Rick James, bitch!" overplayed phrase.

J*** in My Pants

What makes it funny: Of course I can't fail to mention this one after talking about "Dick in a Box." It's the techno brother to the 80's-styled "Box" and even included a Justin Timberlake cameo to tie them together. It's shocking, it's funny and it's... kind of a good song. Sure to be a club hit for the next few year. But what can I really say about this short that isn't hit-you-over-the-head-with-a-hammer obvious?

Dear Sister

What makes it funny: Once again music is the prime factor that makes this extremely odd skit work. It's overly-absurd, but for a reason. As a stand alone skit it works because of the strangeness and the played on tones of current primetime shows. Knowing that it's actually a spoof reincarnated from an OC episode makes it all the better. Once you view the original OC portion it becomes a short that is funny because of the state of current television. It toes the line of genius versus insanity -- which all the best things in history seem to do.

Natalie Raps

What makes it funny: Um, it's little, cute Natalie Portman laying down some hardcore rapping. It's funny because it's unexpected and against stereotypes. But really, I knew this was the real Natalie all the time. She says some of the lines from her rap in my dreams nightly.

Lazy Sunday

What makes it funny: The Granddaddy of all the shorts. It's doubtful if this didn't debut in the first handful of shorts that there would still be a weeky Digital Short. Many consider it still the funniest and still the best. That's subjective but I can definitely see it. There are some wonderful lines in short and it's extremely quoteable. I still enjoy some of the more underused quotes (It's all about the Hamiltons baby) but you've likely heard something about Mr. Pibb and Red Vines equaling crazy delicious at some point.

My New Year's Resolietions

2008-12-31T15:04:00Z

It's that time of year where we say goodbye to the past and hello to the future. We greet this future the way we enter into any new relationship -- we lie. Very few people actually make resolutions. If they did we'd be a nation of fit, non-smoking, polite people with clean garages that are always at the gym or with their family that are always thinking on how to better improve their job performance. That is most definitely not America. Instead we appease others and ourselves by making false promises in the hope that there's some inch of courage and responsiblity that exists in us which will latch onto that promise and make it work -- somehow and in some way. These are our resolietions.

And here are mine for the coming year:

I promise to do more dishes (I know I won't. I'd much rather be playing "Fallout 3" or watching SportsCenter. And when my wife asks I'll conveniently act like I didn't hear her or that I suddenly had a computer project pop up I had completely forgotten about).

I promise to take better care of my body (I'd love to, really, but it's to early to get up and go jogging, and the gym is to far away to drive to. After work? Well, I have to pick up my kid. Plus, the gym is in the same direction as all the rush hour traffic and it's dark when I get home so I can't go running for safety reasons).

I promise to stop starting a new sentence with "so" and then having it trail off to avoid uncomfortable ends to conversions (So... there's always that.)

I promise to watch my language around my three year old (unless I'm having a bad day, or if that asshole just cut me off, or I just stubbed my toe on my daughter's stupid, little play chair that is out in the living room ONCE AGAIN. KAYLEE! Get in here and put this damn toy back in your room!).

I promise to keep my truck clean and obey all scheduled oil changes (but, you know, I can't litter when I eat a quick burger on the way home and, really, who will put there feet down on the passenger side floor? No one. So I'll toss it over there and clean it up later. Uh oh. Low oil light just came on. Well, I don't have the time. Plus, I just got it changed 6,000 miles ago. I'll throw in a fresh quart when I get home).

I promise to spend my money more wisely (Like wait until that eventual price break for the PS3 and pick it up for $349. Ooh! Ooh! Did you see Guitar Center is having a Gibson Les Paul sale? Y'know, I've always wanted a MacBook...).

So there you have it. Obvious lies and the ways I'll get out of doing them. So let's hear your New Year's resolietions. Tell the truth now and being honest in the next year may be the only resolution you keep.

Digital Copy Discs in DVDs - What are they and how do they work?

2008-12-12T15:14:00Z

You may have noticed a new trend when buying DVD movies lately -- an extra disc labeled "digital copy." Normally these come in the Collector's Edition or Special Edition of a new DVD release. I first noticed it when I had to buy "Nightmare Before Christmas" on DVD for my daughter after the VCR (yes, Virginia, they do still exist) ate the tape. Most likely the first taste you'll get of a new digital disc will be when you buy the Dark Knight 2 disc collector's edition.

So what are these newfangled contraptions? Quite simply, they are digital media on a disc (normally only the feature film) that allows you to play the movie on your computer, iPod, Zune and other media enabled devices. Normally they will also include a download code for iTunes that you can enter and download the digital media version directly into your iTunes. Pretty nifty, no?

You see, the movie industry is trying to head off piracy any way that they can. They know of the programs out there, like Handbrake, that can rip DVDs and convert them into digital media so they're trying to provide an easier way. A way that, naturally, is regulated by them through DRM. Ninety percent of people that buy these DVD sets with digital copy discs won't care about DRM. However, there's a large group of people that vehemently oppose it. DRM stands for "Digital Rights Media" and is essentially a regulation device.

Apple's iTunes and iPod is an example of an annoying DRM policy. Have you ever tried to plug your iPod into a friends or spouses computer? Well, if you've already synced it to two other computer then you're tough out of luck. Most people will most likely respond "Two computers? Who uses more than that?" I, for one, and many others own a home computer, a laptop and work nearly all of the time on a computer at work. Or some people have one central computer and each spouse has a laptop. So if your spouse just downloaded the newest Killers album and you'd like to listen to it, well tough luck Johnny. You have to shell out your .99 per download as well. The other annoying thing about iProducts is that once you buy iMusic they lock you into having to use anything "i" from then on. Don't even think about buying a Zune or Sansa player because you're entire musical library is locked into Apple's proprietary file format that no one else is legally allowed to offer. The more you learn about DRM the less appealing it sounds.

But, for a music and movie industry that's fighting against surging technology, they're trying to throw everything at the wall and see what sticks. Which brings us back to our digital copy disc. They're hoping that by including this disc it will satiate your need to rip it from your legally bought DVD or download it illegally for free. However there are still problems with the way the digital copies are being distributed. First, if you buy a Region 1 DVD from the US and you live in another country you forfeit your free digital download from iTunes. Apple will only honor the code if you live in the U.S. Also, not all movie companies bought on with Apple to sell their digital media through them. Warner Bros.'s movies that include a digital copy disc only works for PCs and Windows.

As time goes on and movies transition from the physical media to the digital download media you're going to see what you're allowed to do with your bought property transition as well. Soon there will be all kinds of limitations on the digital media you buy, who you can share it with, and what you can do with it. And while digital copy discs seem like a step in the right direction (and in some ways are) they may pave the way for the eventual loss of your consumer rights. Ah well, at least you'll be able to watch Dark Knight on your iPhone.

Top 5 Commercials that Should be Shot in the Head and Buried in a Shallow Grave

2008-12-05T16:50:00Z

Here's a top 5 list of commercials that should have been killed during the testing phase, but somehow made it to our televisions to aggravate us and make us hate the products that they're advertising.

#5 - Mucinex: All of Them

Visit the site to see the media.

I never grasped why animating bodily fluids would seem like a good idea. There's this thing that humanity has created for situations like this -- it's called subtlety. You don't have to create a snot monster and render him in 3D like a damned Pixar character. You just tip-toe around the subject with terms like "it will have you breathing clearer" and "for a fresh, deep breath," not "Mucinex in. Mucus out." That's just nasty. Have some damned manners, will you? Not only do these commercials offend audibly, but visually as well. Oh how sweet. A family of mucus slime. That's just something you can get behind. See? That's my subtle way of saying the people who made these commercials deserve a free lobotomy.

#4 - Walmart: Carol of the Bells

Visit the site to see the media.

Riiiiight. Have you ever seen an enthusiastic Walmart employee? One that even bothers to smile when you look at them? Almost every register worker I've seen is to lazy to turn their light on to begin with, let alone figure out the timing and synchronization necessary to "play" their register light to music. Not to mention, have you ever seen so many lanes open? I never understood why Walmart had 57 register lanes in every store when the most they ever have open is six. Is it for fire hazard reasons? Or because they have no other place to put 53 metric tons of Tic Tacs and bubble gum? You could show me a video of a monkey building a spaceship and flying it to a banana-shaped planet and I'd believe it before I believed Walmart employees could actually do this.

#3 - E*Trade: Baby Vomit

Visit the site to see the media.

I'd love to have been a fly on the wall during this concept meeting.

"You see, the baby talks about how easy it is to buy stocks and then... he throws up all over himself!

"Wow, Fred, that's amazing. Because ratings have show people love nothing more than seeing baby's projectile vomit!"

"I know, let's air it during the Superbowl!"

The only reason I don't list this is the #1 most offensive spot is because there are a few people that actually like it. They think it's cute. I guess because it has a baby. Because if I replace the baby with, oh, I don't know, Danny Devito and filmed this spot I guarantee no one would think it was cute. In fact, I'm pretty sure watching Danny Devito puke all over himself would get this taken off the air of most networks. WHO WANTS TO SEE THIS? Throw up? Really? Is this puke you can believe in? Should there be such a thing?

No. No is the correct answer here.

#2 - Toyota: Saved by Zero

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Ugh. There hasn't been such a quickly hated commercial as this since Head On ~~(apply directly to the forehead)~~. First, the song is awful. Second, they play the chorus four times in the spot. Third, they bought a sports package so large that it rivals the actual sport broadcast. If you're a fan of football you can count on hearing this stupid commercial during every team timeout and referee review. It's insane. I have to praise the media buyer on this one. Good job. You definitely know how to place your media. To the creative team who developed this spot, all I can say is BURN IN HELL YOU NO TALENT HACKS! You've caused actual suffering, mental anguish and damage. The way our litegious society is going I'll probably be able to class-action sue you in three years. Just get ready because few people have escaped being annoyed by this commercial. Your comeupance will soon be at hand.

#1 - AT&T: Talking Thumbs

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Oh God. Oh God! OH GOD MY EYES!

If you can get past the bad concept (Thumb Wars anyone?), and the horrible stereotyping (a black guy, geek, emo girl, slacker and airhead -- really AT&T?) there's still the absolutely vomit-inducing quips (maybe the E*Trade baby was listening to this while purchasing stocks). "That's insanium in the cranium, dog." I just want everyone to know that it actually hurt typing that. Really, my left hand is cramping with shame. It baffles me how commercials like this actually get made. Where are the Dan Drapers to step in and snuff out these ideas like a smoked cigarette? No one stepped up and just said "this idea is dumb" during the entire process? Is there no quality-control left in the work?!

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If you have other suggestions for commercials you hate, post them in the thread. I'd love to develop a top 10 list in the next week or so.

All Around Me are Familiar Faces...

2008-12-01T15:20:00Z

What had the largest opening week in the history of entertainment media?

I know. Easy question. After all, it just happened and everyone is still talking about it. Few, if any, people I know haven't seen it. It had everything an audience would want -- great acting, action scenes that just don't seem to let up, villains with quirky accents and mean senses of humor, and a great storyline. And what's the answer to my original question? Say it with me...

Grand Theft Auto IV.

Huh? What does Grand Theft Auto IV have to do with The Dark Knight? Not to much really. I guess if you were to draw parallels then you could say the Dark Knight, whose opening week is the #1 box office gross in the HISTORY of cinema earning $238,615,211 and some odd change, is almost half of what Grand Theft Auto IV made in it's first week of sales.

It's long been a misconception that Hollywood is the premiere earner in the entertainment category. Actually, for a while now, it's been video games. Halo 3's opening week took in roughly $300 million. Even Madden '07 made $100 million it's first week. It seems that video games are starting to become the sure thing for entertainment media.

So it's rather surprising that advertising for the largest "media money makers" (TM coming!) is relatively sparse when compared to the silver screen, DVDs or even music. They're starting to pop up more frequently now -- and not just on stations like Cartoon Network or Network Saturday morning programming. Lately there have been quite a few spots for video games. Not surprising based on the facts, but what is surprising is that they're... well, they're really, really good! Good commercials are about as rare as finding a mounted brigade of Leprechauns atop unicorns. These commercials seem to have unlocked the secret to tapping right into the heart of their target audience. The secret is "music".

There are three commercials for video games that I think are just perfect:
Halo 3 "Believe" spot:
Visit the site to see the media.
Mercenaries 2 "Oh No You Didn't!":
Visit the site to see the media.
and Gears of War "Mad World":
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Each one of these spots makes excellent use of the accompanying music. The "Believe" spot in itself is a masterpiece. The odd thing about it is that it doesn't show one frame of game footage. Instead they took the story and characters of the game and transformed it into another medium -- that of a diorama. It's wonderfully done. You see this fictional moment in time where humans are fighting alien hordes. They're yelling, in shock, some are running, others fighting, but each face is telling us a story that words couldn't. The battle doesn't seem to be going in our favor. The aliens are bigger, there's many more of them, and they're holding our hero up as a trophy. The hero -- lifeless, broken, defeated -- holds one last chance for victory in his hand. There is hope yet.

Did this spot just convey... emotion? Emotion for a video game? Yes, it really did. The backbone of this spot is the piano -- simplistic and dire -- that starts off dreary before building into a stronger melody of hope. The visuals drive the story, but the music is what lays the tracks and determines where the viewer will go. I haven't seen a commercial that has prompted such feelings in a very long time.

Mercenaries 2 wields the typical weapon of "good" commercials -- comedy. The song is fun, playful and irreverent. It tells the story and let's the visuals back it up. That's not to say the visuals are secondary eye candy though. Everything is shot in green and textures like the engraving plates that make up the good ol' buckskin. It tells you that this game is going to be fun, full of revenge, and that you get to blow a lot of crap up. Repeatedly. The commercial is in perfect touch with what it represents. I doubt few people would buy this game and not get what they were expecting after viewing this spot.

Finally we have the Gears of War commercial with Gary Jules haunting "Mad World." The spot itself is well done and touching, but it's a combination of two media that don't necessarily mesh. "Mad World" is probably most famous for being in Donny Darko. The song itself casts an air of depression and remorse. It's used the same way in the movie as it is in the spot. The visuals are great. They show you a world destroyed and man fighting against overwhelming odds. Something not all that original, but very well done. I especially appreciate the lack of any "in game" sound effects. The action is entirely mute against the backdrop of the song. It's not a perfect fit, but the quality is certainly that of a great commercial.

I hope that video game commercials keep this trend up. I love to see well done spots, regardless of what they're selling.