I thought I lived in America. When you get out of bed in the morning you like to think that you're still in the same country that you went to sleep in the night before. Lately, I'm not so sure. I've heard about this "global" economy and other idiocy, but I kinda like the good business practices that we've built up in this country over the last two hundred years. When I call a place of business (in this country) I expect to hear a voice speaking English without an accent. Now, I realize that some of our states contain people who have peculiar accents, like redneckese, western drawl, southern drawl, and Brooklynese, ya know wad I mean? I can understand these anomalies (except Californians, they're from another planet) because they are speaking "almost English." Okay, I see the glassy stares I'm getting. You want to know what I'm talking about, yeah? Youse listen up now cause I'ma gonna tell ya.
Today I called my bank to ask a simple question. I get through the first battery of button pushing, wade through a horde of security questions, and finally, I get a humanoid (I think he was human) speaking some kind of language that I didn't recognize. Hey, we're dealing with my money here, I have no sense of humor when it comes to my money. How do I know what this "ferener" is saying? He might be telling me something nasty like, "your mother wears army boots" (the ultimate insult, my mother was never in the army) or, maybe he's giving me the winner lottery numbers (who cares, I never waste money on that nonsense anyway). Actually, I did play all the numbers he spoke of that I could discern. There were all very small numbers, and I didn't win the jackpot. Afterwards, I realized that he was giving me my bank account balance.
At the end of our conversation (I spoke English, he spoke ???) I asked him where I was calling. He said, "Bombee". Now I thought he was talking about a cute little Disney fawn. Then I realized he might be telling me the location of where he worked. I said, "You mean Bombay?" "Yes, sir," he stated, and then he proceeded to tell me all about his city. After much prattle on his side of the phone he invited me to visit him, to stay at his house, and to travel there at his expense. At least that's what I think he said. I asked if all the inhabitants of his country (India) wore feathers and lived in teepees. He didn't quite understand. I guess I'll find out when I get there.
So says Sam Post.