Friday, January 29, 2010 1:34 PM cstanton

Mommy? No, That's A Dolphin.


Typically when a woman is pregnant she is worried about the health of her unborn child, so most women end up having their children in the hospital. If anything goes wrong with herself or the child its only a stretcher's roll away to medical attention. For some pregnant women though, hospital births seem too stressful with all of the fluorescent lights and... well, all of the other things that are terribly stressful about hospitals.

There are a couple of other options, you could have your child at a birth center, you could have your child at home, you could have your child in a tub, you could have your child in a silent chamber, or you could have your child in the freaking ocean with a dolphin.



(You might not want to watch it, but its really not that bad)

Dolphin assisted birthing is a completely new age technique where there are no doctors, just untamed sea beasts and there is no bed or tub, but instead just the ocean, which is not the safest of all places (remember that movie "Open Water"??).

Regardless of the obvious threats, some people like John Float of Dolphin Essence (read the "testamonials"), a dolphin assisted therapy clinic in Hawaii, suggest that dolphin assisted birthing is the way to go. Why, you ask? This is what John Float has to say:

"Dolphins are not only masterful midwives, but they are elegant programmers of our cellular blueprint for physiological, psychological and spiritual well being through their use of high frequency sonar to transmit and embody to humans states of pure joy, love and wisdom."

That is what you would call an earful. They are elegant programmers of our cellular blueprint for physiological well being? They use their sonar to  manipulate humans' moods? No, they use their sonar, or echolocation to find fish when they're hunting and to communicate with one another. I hope they don't mistake the baby for a fish!

Until there is some scientific proof on dolphin-specific frequencies effecting the outcome of a human fetus, then I don't buy it. Doctors perform ultrasounds at frequencies from 900kHz - 10 MHz, Dolphins emit sounds all the way up to 500kHz, and humans can only hear sounds from 20Hz - 20kHz. This leaves a big 480 kHz gap potential for there to be a particular frequency that would "realign the cells" of your unborn child for more optimum performance, but I find this highly unlikely.

Now, I know that there are plenty of people that love dolphins. I like 'em too. I don't think that any literate person that has access to the internet would argue that they're not incredibly smart, perhaps the second smartest animal on the planet. Even so, they're probably not the safest things to expose your children to.

From a National Geographic Special on Dolphins:

"But beneath the harmony lies a darker side of dolphins. Gangs of strong males pick on younger or smaller dolphins. Bottlenose dolphins are even known to kill for reasons other than hunger.

Cinematographer Paul Atkins, diving in the Bahamas with wild dolphins, heard the first sign of trouble before a particularly intense fight. “Jaw clapping” is a bone-chilling, audible threat to those around. The encounter that ensued–including head ramming, biting, and blows from powerful flukes–is surprisingly violent.

In another hemisphere, Dr. Richard Connor, studying dolphins in Shark Bay in Western Australia, has documented cases of males kidnapping and holding females captive, sometimes for months at a time. “Dolphins are complex, intelligent, social animals and that carries with it a range of behaviors from the nice to the not-so-nice. Just like in our own species.”

So, dolphins are similar to humans in the sense that they are intelligent, cultural, have a strong self-image. Strong self-image meaning that they sometimes do things for themselves... meaning some are good and some are bad, just like with humans. Not only that, but they are wild. One has to ask their self whether or not it would be a great idea to have a child in a room full of chimps? Or a completely random selection of humans even?


Some people let their mentally handicapped children swim with dolphins in hopes that it will help them out. Dolphins have even been used to help depression. The thing is, these treatment methods appear to work because OF COURSE YOU'RE GOING TO BE HAPPY YOU'RE SWIMMING WITH A FREAKING DOLPHIN. You'd have to be a donkey missing his tail not to find the pleasure in that.  

The idea to me seems pretty stupid and relatively dangerous, but then again I haven't had my cellular blueprint realigned for optimism. 

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