August 2011 - Posts

"Dancing with the Stars" has officially announced its next cast – one that, like others before it, is highly controversial. The cast includes actor David Arquette, NBA baller Ron Artest, George Clooney's ex-girlfriend Elisabetta Canalis, ex-Hills cast member Kristin Cavallari, Nancy Grace, Kardashian son Rob Kardashian, *** Eye's Carson Kressley, talker Ricki Lake, Iraqi war veteran and soap star J.R. Martinez, singer Chynna Phillipps, and soccer star Hope Solo.


And oh yeah…Cher's little girl who grew up to be a man, Chaz Bono. And here's where the controversy kicks off.


Bono, who changed his gender and name last year, was formerly known as Chastity Bono. Some critics have complained that he's only famous because of his famous parents, Sonny and Cher.


But a multitude of others have complained that having a transgender person on the show negates the family value of the show itself, making it something that families can no longer watch together. 


There hasn't been this big of a problem on the show since people accused Bristol Palin of riding her mother's designer suit coat tails. Palin's critics said she stayed in as long as she did only because of her mother's politics, and that Tea Party members everywhere were rallying support for her, not because of her dancing ability, but because her mother is Sarah Palin.


Whatever your take on this, bear in mind – the more you gripe about it, the more viewers there will be. People will tune in because of it. Bank on that.

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Millions of people fell in love with a little penguin on YouTube after a video was posted from the Cincinnati Zoo. The video features a young penguin who was tickled by one of his handlers – and his giggles have captured the hearts of more than 3 million viewers.


Cookie has become the mascot of the zoo's bird house. He's a Little Penguin, also called a "fairy" penguin, called this because they are the smallest of all penguins. They swim, like all penguins, and spend the day foraging for fish in the shallow waters of the sea, close to shore. These penguins live in a warmer climate, and come ashore at night, when predators like snakes and seagulls are less active. They nest in burrows, under trees, in rock crevices and in caves. They can live up to 25 years, and live near Australia and New Zealand. 


Cookie spent time in the bird house earlier this year because of an infection known as bumblefoot, a bacterial infection found in the feet of birds and some animals. Interestingly enough, the infection can be caused for perching too long, and it's often treated with hemorrhoid cream. Let that one soak in…


In the meantime, enjoy hearing Cookie giggle. It'll make your day. http://tempuri.org/tempuri.html

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Well…they've done it again. Topless, of course.


The Raelian Movement, which teaches that life on Earth was created by aliens, held its fourth annual Go Topless Day protests in several cities in the U.S. The movement was founded by Rael, and the protests occurred in locations including Los Angeles, San Francisco and Chicago. The women participating in the protests were encouraged to do so topless, while men were encouraged to cover their chests with messages that illustrate the group's slogan: "Topless equal rights for all or none."


Nadine Gary, a Raelian priestess and president of GoTopless.org, based in Las Vegas, said that women having to wear tops at all times is a double standard. She added that the cause is backed up by Raelian philosophy, which holds humanity was created scientifically by an advanced race of extraterrestrials. 


So…an organization put together by a man asks its female followers to bare all for the good of mankind…hmmmm…anyone else see an issue with this?


If you don't have issues with it and want to join in, there's a historical boob march planned in Washington, D.C. on Aug. 26. The date is also the anniversary of when women gained the right to vote. 


As part of the march, thousands of signed petitions for the constitutional right of women to go topless will be presented. The group will also request an audience with President Obama. 


Now, come on. Who wouldn't want to be a fly on the wall in the Oval Office that day? 

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As the state of Florida prepares for Hurricane Irene, which is projected to affect the bulk of The Plywood, um, Sunshine State, it's best to keep a sense of humor about these things. 


And be stocked up on bottled water, flashlights, batteries and plywood.


There are some valuable lessons that previous hurricanes have taught Floridians. For example, an oak tree on the ground looks four times bigger than it did standing.  Here are some other lessons learned:


• If you are shopping for a new home, make sure the closets have plenty of leg room.

• The only letters of the alphabet that matter are AA, C and D.

• Do not run from men with chainsaws – They are our friends.

• Gas, purchased at any price just before a storm hits, is a value.

• Candlelight is better than botox – takes years off your appearance.

• No matter how hard the wind blows, those campaign signs on the roadsides will stay put.


We read that hurricane season is a lot like Christmas. Here's why:


• You decorate the house – well, you board up the windows.

• You drag out boxes that haven't been touched in a year – camping gear, flashlights, etc.

• You run to the stores at the last minute.

• Regular television shows are pre-empted for specials.

• Family comes to stay with you.

• Family and friends from out of state call you.

• You buy food you wouldn't normally buy, and in large quantities.

• You get time off from work.

• You light candles.

• You have a tree in your house.


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Members of the press are supposed to be diligent about checking facts and making sure things are correct before the press starts to spin. But every now and then, a headline slips through that is, well, to say the least, entertaining. The following are actual headlines. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.


Something went wrong in plan crash, expert says


Cold wave linked to temperatures


Panda mating fails; veterinarian takes over


Eye drops off shelf


Strip search finds crack between buttocks


Woman in sumo wrestler suit assaulted her ex-girlfriend in gay pub after she waved at man dressed as a Snickers bar


17 remain dead in morgue shooting spree


Breathing oxygen linked to staying alive


City unsure why the sewer smells


Dam road sign keeps disappearing


Lawyers back despite use of bug spray


People think aliens must be more smarter than us


Burritos at 6 a.m. followed by hot air


Man with 8 DUIs blames drinking problem


Planes forced to land at airports

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Russian President Dmitry Medvedev announced that there will soon be a new museum in Russia – a museum to honor blondes. 


"A real blonde, in our opinion, should be like this: beautiful, elegant, intelligent, good natured and should have Russian charm," he said.


We aren't too sure about the Russian thing…or the other characteristics either. The blonde stereotype is that blondes are attractive, but also not exactly the brightest crayon in the box. Just google the phrase, "blonde jokes" and see what you get.


But why is this? Why does blonde = dumb?


Well…let's start with history. There's a theory that the ancient Greeks and Romans admired their blonde neighbors to the North so much that they would bleach their hair to look more like them. Since they didn't have the health standards we do today, it's a safe bet that a lot of bleach poured onto a person's head could affect that person's mental state.


Another theory is that in the Middle Ages, the lower class folks worked outside and were tanned – and their hair would grow lighter in the sun as they worked. Since they weren't educated, blonde hair was associated with lack of intelligence.


Some people might blame the 1925 novel, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes: The Illuminating Diary of a Professional Lady," which led to the film "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes." The story centered around an air-headed blonde named Lorelei.


Still others blame Hollywood. There have been numerous actresses that have perpetuated the stereotype: Marilyn Monroe, Jean Harlow, Suzanne Somers and Goldie Hawn. And who can forget the dingbat turned lawyer character played by Reese Witherspoon in "Legally Blonde?" 


And let's not forget the singers. There have been plenty, but one of the first that springs to mind is Jessica Simpson. Remember when she was eating tuna and was confused as to whether it was chicken or fish, since the label on the can read, "Chicken of the Sea?"


Probably the best answer is that it's a combination of historical stereotype, bad press and human nature.


Just as there are many examples out there of dumb blondes, there are the smart ones. One of the smartest, Dolly Parton, has noted that she's not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because she's confident in herself and because she knows she's not dumb.


"I'm also not blonde," she quipped.


It's all about the attitude, people. And a really good relationship with Miss Clairol.


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Time for another round of stupid criminals…


• A mother took her 4-year-old daughter to a friend's home for a pool party. The adults there thought it would be fun to throw the child off the roof of the two-story home into the pool. They missed. The girl was taken to the hospital with severe internal injuries. The mother was taken to jail with a charge of child abuse.


• A Connecticut woman was caught giving alcohol to her children. Police saw the family at a playground, but instead of playing like the other kids, the woman's 4-year-old son was drinking a 40-ounce. Mom was drunk, too. 


• A woman in Oak Park, Mich. was arrested for growing vegetables. She didn't have a permit, so the city planner sent her a warning, then a ticket , then had her arrested on a misdemeanor charge. She's still gardening, refusing to stop gardening, and will soon stand trial. Guess veggies can be bad for you, after all.


• A group of young men robbed a home, taking electronics and jewelry. They also took an expensive-looking urn, containing the ashes of the owner's father and his two dead dogs. The young men thought the urn contained cocaine, and proceeded to snort it. They were later arrested and charged.


• A man barged into his victim's home carrying a lethal weapon of a different kind – a dead weasel. He angrily informed the homeowner who had confronted him that, "It's not a weasel, it's a marten." He was arrested and charged with breaking and entering. No charges on the death of the weasel.

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It's Hysterical Video Tuesday. This is one ticked off grandma. And if you are guilty of hacking her grandson's account, you better watch out. She's coming for you, with or without her teeth.

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A purloined pimple popper was procured by patrolling police. 


Hopefully while you're trying to say that 10 times fast, you'll not be too grossed out by this.


A man in Cape Coral, Fla. was arrested outside of a McDonald's restaurant after people inside complained he was outside – popping the pimples on his back.


Yep. That's not a misprint. He was popping his back pimples. He must be incredibly limber.


Owen Kato, 23, of Port Charlotte, Fla, stood outside of the restaurant for more than 10 minutes, um, doing the deed. While hunkering down over their McNuggets and Big Macs, customers inside the eatery became grossed out and called the police. 


When police arrived, Kato took off on foot, but was nabbed shortly after. He was charged with giving a false ID to an officer – he told the cops he was John Smith – resisting arrest without violence and possession of drug equipment, after officers found a syringe in his pocket. 


Sooo….that's what that sauce they put on the Big Mac is made of. We've always wondered about that.

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Celebrity tweets. You know it's your guilty pleasure. But who said what? Whose tweets are the best? The worst? Do you know who posted these gems?


1. Do u brush your teeth before u take the red eye flight? I always do in the bathroom. Otherwise its like falling asleep w-out brushing! Yuck


2. This morning I watched Remington Steele while eating Sugar Smacks out of a salad bowl I was naked. 


3. Cleavage. It speaks to us from the time before memory of love, comfort, warmth, softness and food. Cleavage. Oh yes. Cleavage.


4. Glitter in my buttcrack


5. Someone approached me today and asked me if I was that chick from the L Word


6. I nbeed a bviggher keywboared


7. Does anyone want my uterus? I think I'm pretty much done with it.


8. Cuz nothing compares…nothing compares to poo.


9. Phone inventor, Alexander Graham Bell, may have thought, "This will eliminate yelling." Obviously he did not have children yet.


10. Dear elderly man at the gym: Its hard 4 me to keep composure whilst punching at chipmunk speed when ur b**l sack spills out of ur wind shorts


11. Today's Sesame Street will NOT be brought to you by the number 34 or the letter D.


12. I need a pressure sensitive toilet seat that shuts off my wi-fi so I stop buying so many apps on the can. This is getting pricey.


13. Watch very closely as the magical angel and I are swallowed by the rainbow twister, and left stranded on the Glitter Way.


14. I think I could be a lobster fisherman, but not if I had to lean how to spell crustashun.


15. I was fishing yesterday in the North Arabian Se, when I swear, Osama bin Laden's body fell on my head. That settles it. NO MORE POT.


16. OMG tanning for the first time in 2 months. This is going to be exuberating.


17. Where else, besides an airplane, do you ever have warm nuts? …OK, I'm being serious. Serious question guys…Stop laughing. Oh, never mind.


18. Tried on some jeans today. Farted in some. Shhhh, don't tell.


19. Stomach flu, begone. Who can say they've thrown up and had diarrhea at their rabbi's house? 2 pts for me


20. Final Destination is amazing cuz Death is the psycho killer. The same Death from like, the Civil War and Titanic.




1. Kim Kardashian 2. Conan O'Brien 3. Roger Ebert 4. Ke$ha 5. Justin Bieber 6. Shaq 7. Jenny McCarthy 8. Nicole Richie 9. Bill Cosby 10. Jessica Simpson 11. Russell Brand 12. John Mayer 13. Lady Gaga 14. Stephen Colbert 15. Steve Martin 16. Snooki 17. Olivia Munn 18. Jason Mraz 19. Ashton Kutcher 20. Mindy Kaling












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In today's we-couldn't-make-it-up-if-we-tried news...


A woman in Gainesville, Fla. blew off two fingers and her thumb – just trying to wake up her boyfriend. 


You see, this brilliant 36-year-old female attempted to wake her sleeping prince with fireworks. But the novelty item blew up in her hand before she could toss it out the front door, like she planned. 


A bone remnant was found lodged in the apartment's ceiling by police. Officers at the scene said the couple had been drinking alcohol the previous evening.


Now…we get that some people are really difficult to wake up. Particularly after they've been drinking. But fireworks? Really?


Sure, this woman's judgment was impaired. But she had enough presence of mind to figure out a somewhat creative way to get the job done. She should have been able to figure out that what she was doing was dangerous. 


No word yet on whether the fingers were salvageable. 


The woman's lobotomy operation from a few days ago, however, has been confirmed as a complete success.


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Salary of retired US Presidents …………….$180,000 FOR LIFE
Salary of House/Senate ……………………..$174,00 0 FOR LIFE
Salary of Speaker of the House ……………$223,500 FOR LIFE
Salary of Majority/Minority Leaders ………$193,400 FOR LIFE
Average Salary of a teacher …………………$40,065
Average Salary of Deployed Soldier………..$38,000
I think we found where the cuts should be made!


The previous commentary has been making the rounds on Facebook. Although the numbers may or may not be correct, the statement does make a clear point: There are obvious places that budget cuts could be made in order to stimulate the economy.


On Monday, President Barack Obama called for more spending and extended tax cuts that he says will help stimulate the economy. This after the whole countdown to debt ceiling thing. Did anyone tell him that these cuts could also deepen the deficit problems that helped the federal government earn its first-ever-in-the-history-of-this-country debt downgrade last week?


Obama wants the 2 percent payroll tax cut extended into next year, the creation of an infrastructure bank by Congress to promote construction, and enhanced unemployment benefits extended for another year. While the president says refusing to do this would mean 1 million fewer jobs and a half a percent less growth, he seems to be oblivious to the fact that these items have a hefty price tag – it exceeds $100 billion next year alone, and would dwarf the $7 billion in 2012 savings that took Congress four months to wrangle. It just doesn't make sense to approve new spending, when every single penny of it will be borrowed money. 


Whatever your position on this whole mess, one thing is crystal clear: Obama is just not willing to accept personal responsibility for the consequences of his actions and policies. He hasn't "owned" this economy – he has reminded Americans at every opportunity that he inherited this mess from President Bush.


The whole debt ceiling showdown actually had a bright side. It focused the spotlight on our debt picture and the president's morphing from Commander-in-Chief to Chief of Denial.


More and more Americans are beginning to realize that our country's biggest problems – unsustainable discretionary spending, unfunded liabilities and a barely-breathing economy – these are mostly Obama's fault. He seems to be insistent on refusing to make the government live within its means.


Way to go, Chief. We sincerely hope that people will remember all of this when it's time to hit the polls again. Maybe by then, someone will have paid attention to Facebook and have found the solution to our country's debt and economy issues. Or maybe America will wake up and realize that it's high time we elect someone who will.

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The raven quoth, "Never more." Or maybe he should be saying, "Give us money,  please.


The operators of the Edgar Allan Poe museum in Baltimore, Md., say the loss of financial support could force the closure of the Baltimore icon. Poe House has been operating on its reserve funds since last year, when the city cut off its annual $85,000 stipend.


Poe was a native of Baltimore, and penned the creeptastic "The Raven" in the 1800s. But his birthplace is located off the tourists' beaten path, in a housing development. The museum has hired a consultant to come up with a plan for survival.


Perhaps the solution lies within some of Poe's works. We'll start with an excerpt from "The Fall of the House of Usher." 


"I looked upon the scene before me – upon the mere house, and the simple landscape features of the domain – upon the bleak walls – upon the vacant eye-like windows – upon a few rank sedges – and upon a few white trunks of decayed trees – with an utter depression of soul which I can compare to no earthly sensation more properly than to the after-dream of the reveller upon opium – the bitter lapse into everyday life – the hideous dropping off of the veil. There was an iciness, a sinking, a sickening of the heart – an unredeemed dreariness of thought which no goading of the imagination could torture into aught of the sublime. What was it – I paused to think – what was it that so unnerved me in the contemplation of the House of Usher?"


There lies your answer. Remind people why Poe mattered back then and why he matters now. 


If that doesn't work, draw them back in with the sheer creepiness of his works – say, around Halloweenish? 




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He who builds his house upon the sand – or digs under it – will find himself in a whole lot of trouble.


A Newport Beach, Calif. teenager's trip to the beach has made national headlines after he spent about 40 minutes buried in sand in a collapsed hold. He was rescued uninjured.


The 17-year-old and his friends were digging a tunnel in the sand when the walls of the tunnel collapsed, leaving him buried 5 to 7 feet below the surface. The young man said he was terrified, and was unsure if anyone would be able to hear him screaming for help. 


He did, however manage to move his head around and create some space so that he could breathe, despite the fact that his arms were pinned behind him.


Around 40 people, including firefighters and beach-goers, as well as three search and rescue teams, dug furiously to get the kid out. He was checked out at a hospital and released. 


So here's a reminder: When you go to the beach, remember that the benign sand that squishes between your toes could literally kill you. Remember those horror movies where the person was buried in sand up to his neck in low tide? There's no way you can dig yourself out of heavy, wet sand. Therein lies the terror.


Stick to building sandcastles on top of the beach. There's no need to dig down deeper. If you must know what's down there, here's a clue: Sand. 

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Apparently the Sasquatch family is bi-coastal.


A man-ape dubbed "Big Red Eye" for his glowing eyes has been spotted in the Sussex County, N.J. area. Local experts say the legend of Big Red Eye began about 30 years ago with an incident that involved the death of several rabbits, which police blamed at the time on a bear. 


But some folks knew better. They say it was a Bigfoot-type monster with glowing red eyes. In fact, there have been numerous sightings. One of those who encountered the creature was retired ranger Tom Card, 56. 


Card said he was in the woods at High Point State Park in the 1970s, when he heard what the thought at first was a siren. He saw two other boys running down the road and the sound echoed through the woods a second time. From the expression on the faces of those boys, Card said he knew something bad was happening. 


There were about 50 sightings of Big Red Eye in Sussex County in the 1970s. Then, just as mysteriously as he had appeared, the creature disappeared for almost 20 years. 


Locals say strange moaning sounds fill the night, beginning around 2 a.m. and going until almost dawn. They say it's unlike anything you've ever heard before – a "low, guttural sound, it went right through you."


There have been sightings of Bigfoot-like creatures all over the place. But isn't it strange that there is never any physical proof, except for the occasional footprint. And even the footprints look as if they could belong to someone or something other than an ape man.


Whatever you choose to believe, it does appear that there is something out there. Is it a creature or is it a very crafty prankster? We may never know.


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