Parasols and dinner on the grounds...it's the Southern way

Red On The Head — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 21:13:00 GMT

There are certain things that only happen in the South...things that just make life here better than anywhere else.

For example, in the South, you will find Southern Belles. A Belle dresses like a lady, not a lady of the night; keeps a smile on her face that could melt the heart of an IRS agent; is always ready to share the news, but knows how to keep family secrets; keeps everything ship-shape, including penmanship, fellowship and stewardship; and lets a gentleman be a gentleman by allowing him to open the door for her.

Southern Belles are defined as females from the Southern U.S., that possesses beauty, charm, style, strength, intelligence and wit. Some call them pampered and spoiled, but a more trained eye will see that a Belle simply uses her God-given talents in order to charm those around her into seeing things her way.

Want to be a Belle? Here's how:

1) Offer a Mint Julep or sweet iced tea to everyone who visits your house.
2) Eat grits every day, but do not put sugar or milk on them. Butter, salt and pepper are allowed.
3) Refer to your house as "the plantation" no matter how small your house may be.
4) Refer to all men as your gentlemen callers or beaux.
5) When you have more than one date in a night, claim to be "expired" and excuse yourself for a nap until he leaves.
6) Whenever you are asked to exert yourself, wave one or both of your hands toward your body and claim to have the "vapors."
7) Refer to every party you attend as "the cotillion."
8) Try to sprinkle your words with endearments like darlin', sugar or precious.
9) Sit under magnolia trees with a parasol, and fan yourself often. Passers-by will take notice of your belle-ness.
10) Never be seen without your makeup and girdle.

Another great Southern tradition is dinner on the grounds (in some areas, it's referred to as a covered dish dinner). In the South, people get up on Sunday mornings and go to church. And as soon as the final "amen" is uttered – usually at the latest, 12:15, as any respectable Southern preacher knows – lunch is served.

This type of lunch is a wondrous thing. You can find fried chicken, biscuits, all kinds of fresh veggies, chicken and dumplings, macaroni and cheese (homemade, of course), congealed salad, potato salad...the list goes on. You can also count on there being loads of sweet iced tea and tons of homemade pies and cakes. If you're lucky, some sweet grandma will have made one of those homemade cakes with about 20 very thin layers and homemade icing. Yum!

All of the food is set up on long tables, covered in white paper. Sometimes the tables are set up in the fellowship hall, and other times, if it's not too hot, you'll find them set up outside. Everybody lines up, letting the older folks and Mamas getting plates for the young'uns, go first.

People heap their plates with the wondrous culinary delights, and find a front step, a picnic table, a table inside a Sunday School room or a shady spot on the grass, and settle down to eat.

After everyone's eaten their fill, and you feel just about like you're going to pop, they start bringing out the churns of homemade ice cream. During the summer time, the ice cream is particularly choice. That's when there's lots of fresh fruit – strawberries, peaches, watermelon – and it all gets added to those churns.

No matter how much you've eaten, you hoist yourself up, and waddle over to the table where all the ice cream is lined up. You can't say no and you don't want to hurt anybody's feelings, so even though you might have a favorite, you get a cup or bowl and get a spoonful of each flavor. It's the Southern way.

After the ice cream, all the ladies start collecting their platters, bowls and serving dishes, and everyone heads home to nap.

Southern Belles and dinner on the grounds...it doesn't get any better than this, precious.

Baptist sweet tea, Methodist gin and some really ripe tomatoes...that's summertime

Red On The Head — Fri, 09 Jul 2010 15:55:00 GMT

Southern women do not sweat. We glisten. We shimmer. We glow. We get the "va-puhs." But we do not sweat. But somehow, we still manage to deal with the heat and humidity of summer. It's like we are just born with this knowledge.

I lived in the Northwest for a couple of years, and while there, I discovered that what I had suspected all along was true. Non-southern women know nothing about heat.

I was amazed that when it was above 80 degrees in Oregon, people began to clamor, "I just can't take this heat!" They began to don skin-baring clothing, search for fans or air conditioning, and kick off their shoes. I was amazed. Those of us from the South know that 80 degrees isn't hot. It's spring.

Back in the day, Southerners with the means left town when it became hot. That's how the resorts in North Carolina's mountains became resorts. A lot of folks just stayed home and sat out on the veranda (that's porch to you folks from the North) and sipped iced drinks. If you were Baptist, you drank iced sweet tea. If you were of any other denomination, you sipped gin that had been kept in the freezer. Some folks drank Mint Juleps. By the way, drinking alcohol doesn't make you cooler, it just makes you happier about not being cooler. That's what I've been told.

Southerners are criticized for moving and talking slowly. It would appear to some that this is a sign of slowness of mind or body. This just isn't true. We move more slowly in when it's hot because it's just the smart thing to do. There's simply no need to be brisk if you don't want to come down with a heat stroke.

A lot of Southern folk lose their appetites in the summertime. That is, until the tomatoes start to come in. Once those are in, you're set...tomato sandwiches all around. Tomato sandwiches make you feel better no matter how hot it gets.

I have it on good authority that the best way to make a tomato sandwich is this: get a really ripe tomato, two slices of good toast, some Duke's mayonnaise (this is important...it must be Duke's) and butter. Yes. Butter. You'll also need some salt, freshly-ground black pepper and some sugar. Yep. Sugar.

Slice the tomato nice and thick. Butter the toast, then put some mayonnaise on each slice of bread. Then lay on two or three slices of tomato and sprinkle on the desired amount of salt and pepper, and just a pinch of sugar.

Roll up your sleeves, lean over the sink and take your first bite. You'll taste all the ingredients, along with the summer heat, without which there would be no big, juicy tomatoes.

And yes, you should let the juice run down your arms.

A Thin Line : southern

Parasols and dinner on the grounds...it's the Southern way

Baptist sweet tea, Methodist gin and some really ripe tomatoes...that's summertime