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Top 12 Worst Christmas Songs EVER

Christmas carols can be a wonderful part of the holiday season. They can bring back memories, make new memories and create a warm and fuzzy atmosphere. Just the few bars of most Christmas carols set a festive holiday mood.

But there are a few Christmas songs that are just downright annoying. They are horrible scourges that make us want to poke ice picks in our ears. Here are what I believe to be the worst of the bunch – since there are supposedly 12 days of Christmas, here's a terrible song for each day.

1. "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer" – Grandma gets drunk and tries to walk home in the snow by herself, and becomes the victim of a hit-and-run by the big man in red himself. Knowing that Grandma's blue hair is the same shade of the candles on the table gives me the urge to vomit. But I do agree with Grandma in that it's better to be dead than have to hear this song again.

2. "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" – Okay, this song is really bad. Not only does it make Santa look like a cheat, but it has caused kids everywhere to need therapy for years. What's the therapy for? Well…it's either because Mom and Santa are cheaters, or because the kid has seen that Santa is really Daddy. Either way, kid's got problems.

3. "The 12 Days of Christmas" – A holiday standard, sure. But the issue I have with this song is that by the time you get to, oh say, Day 5, you're sick of Christmas. And who the heck gives a flip about maids milking or how many lords are prancing around? 

4. "Baby, It's Cold Outside" – Creepy song about date rape. Enough said.

5. "The Little Drummer Boy" – Okay, picture it with me: Mary has just given birth, in a stall full of dirty, smelly animals. There's poop and hay everywhere, and now this annoying kid with a drum shows up and wants to play, when all she wants to do is close her eyes and forget where she is. It makes me want to pa-rum-pa-pum-punch him in the face. And when you add in Jessica and Ashlee Simpson singing it, well, I know where I'd like to shove my mistletoe.

6. "Happy Christmas (War is Over)" – John Lennon and Yoko Ono with a tambourine. Never a good idea. This song is like when you get underwear for a present instead of that cool thing you really wanted.

7. "Do They Know It's Christmas?" – I was around in the 80s when "We Are The World" came out. It was a great song. It had a conscience and made us think. But this one is just a poor attempt at making the "We Are The World" sentiment have a Christmas vibe. And who wants to feel guilty when we're wearing obnoxious Christmas sweaters, drinking eggnog and eating those peanut butter cookies with the Hershey's Kiss in the middle?

8. "Last Christmas" – Okay, back in the day, Wham was the stuff and George Michael was hot. But a depressing song about someone who can't get over an ex-lover does not put me in a holiday mood. It makes me want to slit my wrists. By the way, the cover version by Jimmy Eats World is even worse.

9. "Jingle Bells" – The one by the singing dogs. Singing is a term used quite loosely in this instance. Hearing dogs bark a familiar Christmas tune isn't my idea of fun.

10. "What Can You Get a Wookie for Christmas (When He Already Owns a Comb?)" – Yes, there was a Star Wars Christmas album. But this one goes from campy straight to downright painful. Take it from me: If you add this one to your holiday playlist for your next party, you won't have to push people out the door when you're ready for bed.

11. "All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth" – Really? Have you ever met any kid, with or without teeth, who would own up to that sentiment?

12. "Carol of the Bells" – The entire song has four notes. That's it. And those four notes stay with you after you've heard them during the holidays – they remain with you until Easter. Not good.

Happy Holidays!

Posted: Dec 09 2011, 11:27 AM by Red On The Head | with no comments
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Thanks for, well, nothing celebrities

It's that time of year, when most people get all warm and fuzzy inside. We all begin to think thoughts of home and hearth, holiday bliss, turkey legs, hot chocolate, Christmas trees and Santa Claus. 

Thanksgiving is next week, and with that comes the traditional practice of thinking of what you are most thankful for. After giving this much thought, I have settled upon the following.

It goes without saying that I am thankful for friends and family, health and happiness. But there are some other things this year that I have to say I am pretty equally thankful for.

We've been hit with a bunch of celebrity screwups this year…in fact, we've been slapped in the face with a dirty plunger full of celebrity goof-ups. More than our fair share, I'd wager. I'm thankful, for this reason, that 2011 is just about done.

First of all, we were hit with the whole Jesse James has found redemption in the arms of Kat Von D thing. We all knew better. In fact, everyone knew better – except Kat. James cheated on America's sweetheart, Sandra Bullock, and we all collectively began to hate the douchebag. We cried out in unison, "No! Stay away!" when Kat began dating him. She recently announced he had cheated on her 19 times during their short relationship, and that the couple is officially dunzo. I'm thankful I don't have to hear about his amazing recovery from being a low-life cheater to faithful partner any more. Well…at least not until around spring.

We've had to endure more news about Michael Jackson's death this year than anyone should ever have to endure. The man's been dead for quite a while now, and he can't possibly be resting in peace. Not with the trial of Dr. Conrad Murray in session. I'm thankful that whole thing is over. The doc gave him the drugs that killed him – we all know it, now we can move on.

The whole mess between Arnold Schwarzenegger and his troll maid was ridiculous. But there's no denying that the kid looks like a mini Governator, so the whole thing happened, no matter how many times we all shake our heads and scream, "Noooo!" Thankful, again, it's all over, and the cigar-sucking former governor of Calee-for-nee-ya (his pronunciation) is out of the spotlight.

Charlie Sheen. No more tiger's blood. Ever. Moving on…

Kim Kardashian got married this year. And 72 days later, she filed for divorce. But not until she'd banked a reported $17 million for the broadcast and publicity of her wedding. And now it's over. Something smells funny here, and although I'm sick of the whole thing, I have to say, the Sherlock Holmes in me wants to know what that "funny" is…so I may have to stick around until the truth comes out. I'm not buying the whole, it-was-real-but-a-big-mistake thing. 

And finally, the biggest hot mess the whole year had to be Lindsay Lohan. This girl and her special brand of crazy has kept the tabloids in business this year. She got in trouble, got probation, screwed up the probation and then went back to court. Got probation again, then screwed up and went back to court. Then…you get the idea. Throw in a little whining about how she isn't bad she's just misunderstood, a bad manicure and way too much blush, and you pretty much have a grip on how LiLo spent 2011.  I, for one, want to just see her put into jail for at least a year. It would help her clean up her act and give me a year to recover from the madness.

I am thankful for many things this year, but at the top of my list is that I no longer have to deal with the escapades of any of these people. They all need a good swift kick in the…well…you get the idea.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Posted: Nov 18 2011, 03:04 PM by Red On The Head | with no comments
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Kim's divorce – I'm over it

The world just can't seem to stop talking about Kim Kardashian and her blasted divorce. So I'm forced to consider it and write about it. Maybe that will help to slough off this mess. And then we can all move on. At least, I will be able to move on.

Kim filed for divorce from Kris Humphries on Oct. 31 – A coincidence? I think not. It makes sense to file for divorce on the scariest day of the year 72 days after you got married. To give you further perspective, the wedding cost $10 million – about $138,888 for each of the days they were legally wed.

I have to say it – I knew this thing wouldn't last. Humphries is far too immature to be able to support the career ambitions of someone like Kim, who has built her career, her persona, and her life on being in the spotlight. He showed just how immature he is early on. 

I'm not sure I believe the whole thing was staged just for the Kardashians' show, because it seems a bit much for just the $17 million they reportedly made off of it. And considering that the family is worth about $65 million, they hardly need the money. 

My take? Kim met a guy who would have her, she was in a hurry to get married and live a fairytale, and she just went for it, without thinking it through. Regrets, table for two.

But you gotta see the humor in all this. I did. So I found some of my favorite Kim K divorce tweets…please, to enjoy.

"I haven't even seen part 2 of Kim's fairytale wedding special yet and the marriage is over?"

"It's always hard getting over the 72-day itch."

"Look out for the next special on E!: "Kim Kardashian: Getting over The Hump"

"Kim K and Kris Humphries are getting divorced after 72 days of marriage? I wasted 4 hours of my life watching that wedding."

"Kim K and Kris Humphries were married for 72 days. I've kept Red Box movies longer than that."

"Kim Kardashian files for divorce after 72 days. Another example of how same-sex marriage is destroying the sanctity of the very institution."

"Kim Kardashian made huge $ on her nuptials, then dumped the stock and brought down the value of marriage."

"Kim Kardashian divorce papers cite irreconcilable differences because 'show me the money' was not an option."

"He was only half the man I thought he was, meaning he is only half black."

"Well, at least we can recycle JLo's divorce jokes."

Posted: Nov 11 2011, 01:33 PM by Red On The Head | with no comments
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The madness will soon creep up on you – So just join in

Halloween is a weird holiday, if you think about it. You dress in costumes, go from place to place, begging. It's panhandling, basically. 

Then there's the candy. On any other day, all the good parents are concerned about what their kids eat, and want them to eat as healthy as possible. They monitor their sugar intake, don't allow them to eat junk food, and watch how much they eat. But on Halloween, kids are allowed to eat a pillowcase full of sugary junk.

And don't forget about the tricks. On any other day, causing damage to someone's property would get you arrested. But on Halloween, it's encouraged. You can toilet paper a person's entire house, every tree and bush in the yard, mark all over the windows with soap, egg the house and cover the car in plastic wrap – and it's all good, clean fun. Yay, Halloween. The day kids can learn to vandalize. 

Let us not forget adult behavior on this night of nights. We don't get the day off from work on this holiday, so we make up for it in bizarre behavior at night. Perfectly sane, normal human beings decorate their houses in the most macabre way – skeletons, graveyards, blood, gore…and then they sit and wait for strangers to knock on their doors. On any other day, we'd meet strangers at the door with a loaded shotgun. But not on Halloween.

Then there's the way adults dress on Halloween. Young women – and the ones that dress this way are getting younger every day – are dressing in the most provocative outfits they can find, leaving nothing to the imagination. It is completely acceptable, on this one day, to go to work dressed as a bunch of grapes or a male ballerina. On any other day, if your boss came to work with an ax in his head, you'd call the cops. But not on Halloween.

Halloween is one weird day, for sure. And I didn't even mention the whole slicing and gutting of pumpkins that is required, or that people pay to go into a dark place and be terrorized by others. 

Regardless of how you feel about Halloween, I've decided that if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. You'll find me in my office on Halloween, dressed as my favorite gardner, Hairy Potter.

Posted: Oct 14 2011, 12:39 PM by Red On The Head | with no comments
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It's college football time in the South once again

College football is in full swing, and in the South, that means women's wardrobes have shifted. We've gone from trying to be cute and preppy every day, to being cute and preppy six days a week.

On the seventh day…the holiest of days…football Saturdays…we sport our school colors, but we do so in a style that is unique to us Southern gals. Don't understand why? Perhaps I can enlighten you, sugah, by pointing out the differences between how folks up North do things, in contrast to how us Southern folks do them.

Up North, women head to the stadium with Chapstick in their back pocket and a $20 bill in their front pocket. In the South, we carry our Coach bag containing two lipsticks, powder, waterproof mascara and concealer. A wallet is not necessary. That's what dates and/or cute fan boys are for.

As for our attire for these Saturdays in the stadium, up North, women wear a wooly sweater or sweatshirt and jeans. In the South, us girls opt for a cute little polka dot dress, in school colors, of course. Later on, when it's cooler, we'll shift to a fully coordinated outfit that may include boots, a cute jacket and coordinating jewelry.

In the North, fathers expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath. But in the South, fathers expect their daughters to understand pass interference. We are also expected to be demure and cute – until the referee makes a heinous call against our beloved boys on the field. We will then become loud, brash and downright nasty bee-otches.

Other things are different about college football season in the South. Up North, you can purchase tickets five days before the game. Down South, if you don't purchase your tickets five months in advance, you'll be put on the waiting list. 

Tailgating is also different. Up North, the parking lots for tailgating open up an hour or so before the game starts. But in the South, fans begin arriving on Wednesday to set up camp. On the menu? Up North, it's raw meat on the grill and a beer with a lime in it, while the radio blasts from the lowered tailgate. Down South, there's a 30-foot custom-built, pig-shaped smoker, which is fired up at dawn on game day. Up North, the stadium is almost empty before the game ends. Down South, as the game ends, another rack of ribs gets put on the smoker.

Our words are even different in the South. Up North, when there's a good play, a man will say, "Nice play." Down South, a man will say, "Dammit you slow sumbitch – tackle him and break his legs!!"

After that same play, Northern women will be heard saying, "My, this is a violent sport."

Southern women, however cute they are dressed, will say, "Dammit you slow sumbitch – tackle him and break his legs!!"

Happy Game Day! 

Posted: Oct 07 2011, 12:53 PM by Red On The Head | with no comments
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Boxed noodles are not for hoarders

I think I'm fairly savvy when it comes to saving money. I can stretch a dollar with the best of them. I use coupons when I have them, and I am the queen of buy one/get one free items.

But here lies the divide. I am not on of those crazy coupon chicks that buys 80 bottles of mustard because she has coupons for them. Here's why I don't get into the extreme coupon thing:

1. I'm not greedy. I may have 10 coupons but I won't buy all 10 bottles of ketchup. I'll leave some for you.

2. I don't shop like a fat kid. Ho-Ho's may be on sale, but I don't need to fill my cart up with them.

3. I am not annoying. 

Case in point: the crazy coupon lady who shows up, coupons in hand, 5 minutes before you do. And wipes. The aisles. Clean. Very annoying.

We've all been there. We have Sunday's coupons neatly organized, and we head to the store, ready to stock up on whatever items are on sale. But when we get there, we find nothing but empty shelves. So we get a rain check. 

Only, when we come back to use said rain check, once again, the crazy lady has struck, again leaving a bare path of destruction.

I did try – ONCE – to beat the crazy coupon lady at her own game. I happened to be in the store, with coupons, when I noticed a deal on noodles. I had coupons. And the crazy coupon lady hadn't yet hit this aisle. 

So there I stood, coupons in hand, looking at a shelf full of boxes of noodles, debating. Should I just wipe them all out and exact my revenge on the crazy coupon lady? Should I, for just this once, leave an empty shelf for her to find? 

As tempting as it was, I didn't wipe out the boxed noodle aisle. I did, however, score my fair share. I like to think I left some noodles for the next person who, like me, wants a good deal, but isn't a hoarder.

So I left some noodles for my fellow shoppers. But not for the crazy coupon lady. No. No boxed noodles for her.

Posted: Sep 09 2011, 11:21 AM by Red On The Head | with no comments
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Worldwide travel alert issued for Americans

The U.S. State Department has issued a worldwide travel alert, effective today. The alert comes ahead of the 10-year anniversary of the 9/11 attacks. The department has asked Americans living and traveling abroad to remain "vigilant."

There has been no specific threat identified, but it's widely known that al Qaida has indicated a desire and the capability to carry out attacks against the U.S. 

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano has said there's no credible intelligence that al Qaida or its affiliates are plotting attacks linked to the anniversary of "the worst terror strikes on U.S. soil."

"We remain at a heightened state of vigilance, and security measures are in place to detect and prevent plots against the United States should they emerge. While threats remain, our nation is stronger than it was on 9/11, more prepared to confront evolving threats, and more resilient than ever before," she said. 

There are ceremonies planned on Sept. 11, when President Barack Obama will visit the three sites where the terrorist strikes occurred: where the World Trade Center stood in Manhattan, at the Pentagon, and Shanksville, Pa. 

The alert expires Jan. 2, 2012. 

While I appreciate the thought behind this issued alert, I have to say that when have Americans not been vigilant and concerned about another attack since that fateful day nearly 10 years ago? The terrorist attacks on 9/11 changed America forever – and it changed Americans as well.

No longer do we happily attend football games, July 4th parades and fireworks, or concerts. We attend these events because life must go on, but in the back of our minds, we're always thinking, "Could it happen again?" Not once, since 9/11, has any American gotten on a plane and not looked around the cabin, wondering if one of the other passengers might be a terrorist. We can't help it.

I get that these types of alerts must be issued, but isn't it a given that we are all at a "heightened state of vigilance?" We can't help but be so.

We will ever be so.

Posted: Sep 02 2011, 12:10 PM by Red On The Head | with no comments
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Got time to waste? Here's how

There are some sites on the Web that just beg to be visited. Once there, you just want to spend hours, wasting time and just piddling around. Here are some of the best…


















Posted: Aug 19 2011, 03:02 PM by Red On The Head | with no comments
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I thought it was just a pain, but it's snot

Over the past couple of weeks, my nose has been in overdrive. I have produced a ridiculous amount of snot. I blow my nose, and 2 seconds later, I'm stopped up again. This has gone on all day, every day. 

Why, oh why, is there so much snot? What the heck?

Snot, or mucus, is the gooey, sticky, slimy material made inside your nose. The nose and sinuses make about a pint of snot every single day. Anybody else stocking up on Kleenex?

Mucus helps protect your body from allergens, viruses and bacteria. Believe it or not, snot helps you get better faster. It's made up of about 95 percent water and 5 percent salt, carbohydrates and proteins. It contains antiseptic enzymes and immunoglobulins that help your body fight off infection. 

Who knew? I always just thought it was my body's way of annoying me.

Snot comes from the mucus glands around the nose and sinus cavities. It runs down your nasal cavities to keep them moist, and to trap anything foreign that might enter the nose. 

Your nose will run for a variety of reasons. I've been blaming mine on allergies. Your nose can also run when you have a cold or the flu. If you have either of those, you nose goes into overdrive, making enough snot to keep the germs out of your lungs and the rest of your body. The mucus runs down your throat and out of your nose. It can also fill your sinuses and just, well, stay there.

When you cry, you also get snotty. Tears come out of the tear glands and drain throughout the tear ducts that empty into your nose. Tears mix with the mucus in your nose and run out.

Sometimes, when it's cold outside, your nose will try to warm up the cold air your breath before sending it to your lungs. Tiny blood vessels inside your nostrils dilate to help warm up that air. Then it's drip, drip, drip.

So…snot is annoying. Snot can make you miserable. But it actually serves a purpose. Wow.

I'll try to remember that the next time I blow my nose, which should be in about…now.

Posted: Aug 05 2011, 11:42 AM by Red On The Head | with no comments
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Chocolate makes mouths everywhere happy

OK. I am officially offended. My brethren among the national media have failed me. 

How you ask? I'll tell you how…yesterday was National Milk Chocolate Day, and the media failed to report on it. Sure, we heard more coverage of the breakups between Hugh Hefner and that blonde chick, Kat Von D and Sandi Bullock's ex-husband, and that "The Hills" chick and the football player. But did anyone bother to report on the important stuff like chocolate? Nope. Not one. I found out today. Pssh. Too late to buy a Hershey bar now. The moment has passed.

People have been enjoying chocolate on this planet since about 1100 BC. Which is why I live my life in an eco-friendly kind of way. We must save the planet – it's the only one that has chocolate.

While it was seen as mostly a hot beverage in much of its history. cocoa eventually evolved into its yummy milkiest form when Daniel Peter of Switzerland mixed it with sugar and condensed milk in 1876 and soothed the PMS woes of women of the day. Then the Industrial Revolution happened, and factories began mass-producing the wonderful stuff in beautiful, shiny wrappers. 

The reasons we all love chocolate? Well, aside from the fact that it's the only addiction you can't be arrested for, there's the fact that it comes in pretty boxes. It can cure a mood swing in a flash – pun intended. You can buy it en masse, or in bits small enough to smuggle, and often with yummy surprise fillings. If you run out, there are a multitude of places at which you can purchase it.

And on top of all of that, it is delicious, and makes the world a much better place.

Forget love. I want to fall into chocolate. And yes, I have marked my calendar for next year.

Posted: Jul 29 2011, 12:29 PM by Red On The Head | with no comments
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Harry Potter film ends with Snape as hero, Lord What's-His-Name finally dead

Like about a billion other people, I saw the final Harry Potter movie last weekend. I did not, however, dress up for the flick nor did I wait in line to see a midnight show. Just…so you know. 

I was a bit apprehensive, thinking that the film might not be satisfying. You know, that it would leave us Pottheads wanting more…that perhaps it wouldn't end properly, and would leave true fans of the series pining away for a better, more complete ending. Geez, I'm such a nerd.

But I was wrong. Very wrong. The flick was, in a word, epic. I know that word is way over-used, but trust me. It is the only word that applies here. There was much pressure for the final film to be, well, magical, and it was that and much more.

For those who've been under a rock for oh, say, the past 11 years, the Harry Potter movies are based on the books by J.K. Rowling. The books are a coming of age tale about a young boy, Harry Potter, who finds out he's a wizard, and follows him as he enters wizarding school, makes friends, and faces off against bullies, a giant snake, soul-sucking ghouls and the king of all evil. 

Just your standard reading.

This film is the second of two that are actually based on the last portion of the last book. It picks up where the first one left off, and continues to follow Harry and friends as they attempt to defeat and eliminate the evil Lord Voldemort once and for all. 

The film builds to the final battle which is, to say the least, apocalyptic. It could mean the end of Harry's world if he loses, a fact that isn't lost on him or the audience. But the battle could play out as a bit cheesy if it weren't for the great performances by the three young actors who've played Harry and his best friends throughout the series. They've grown into mature young actors.

But the star of this film has to be Severus Snape who, as a professor at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, has shown an apparent dislike for Harry all along. In this film, we see the "real" Snape, and find out that his behavior has been nothing short of heroic, and that without him, Harry will never defeat Lord "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named."

This is indeed the film in which "The Boy Who Lived" became "The Boy Who Died," because it is through his sacrifice that all are saved. 

The film was a thrill ride from start to finish. There were people from 4 years to 85 years old in the theater, and you could have heard a pin drop the entire time. That speaks volumes. It is a film that not only satisfies fans of the series with its conclusion, but leaves them walking out of the theater wearing silly grins and feeling happy…quite like a win for Gryffindor on the Quidditch pitch. Well done, Rowling and company.

Mischief managed.

Posted: Jul 22 2011, 11:13 AM by Red On The Head | with no comments
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Skinny jeans worn more than once on a commoner, no big deal – But on a duchess, whoa

Duchess Catherine has worn the same pair of jeans three times while in Canada. Call the Fashion Police!

During the past few days, every move made by Prince William and his Duchess during their visit to Canada has been chronicled. From where they've gone, to who they've seen, it's been all over the press. 

But the latest bit of news takes the cake. Catherine is known for recycling her wardrobe – she is, after all, a sensible duchess. She was photographed sporting the same J Brand jeans three days in a row. Stop the presses!

The media covered this breaking news, even discussing what items she had paired with the jeans each time she wore them. 

You know what? Big hairy deal. So Catherine does what the rest of the free world does when traveling – she packs a few key items and recycles them as she goes. So what? 

If anything, this makes me like her more. She's a practical-minded girl. She does her own grocery shopping – that's been reported again and again, also. She stops to talk to everyone, not just the people who fit a certain mold. And she wears jeans a couple of times before she washes them. No doubt, she's trying to save the U.K. a few pounds on her laundry expenses.

So media, how about you get back to doing what you're supposed to be doing? Instead of digging around in a duchess' closet, how about you dig around in the closets of those who might actually have something in there besides a very well-worn pair of skinny jeans?

Posted: Jul 08 2011, 11:52 AM by Red On The Head | with no comments
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Blood-red pickles are just, well, wrong

I was recently introduced to something that made, let's just say parts of me, pucker that shouldn't.

First, I have to say I like dill pickles. Love them. Especially those that come in the jars with the light green lids that are labeled "hamburger dill slices." That's some good eating.

I even like them battered and fried, dipped in what's called "come back sauce." The sauce is kind of tangy and horseradishy. Just right with a fried pickle slice.

But koolickles? You must be kidding.

At first glimpse, the pickles just looked, well, abnormal. Pickles are green. Everyone knows this. These pickles were red. Blood red. That is just wrong. I asked why they were red, and I was told, "They're not pickles. They're koolickles. Try one."

After some back-and-forth banter and several promises that these things wouldn't make me break out in boils, I bit into one. It was sweet and tangy, all at once. Not being a fan of sweet pickles, I didn't care for it, and I just assumed they were sweet pickles with red food coloring dropped into the pickle juice.

I was wrong. These were actually koolickles – Kool-Aid-marinated dill pickles. Yep, someone actually took dill pickles, poured of the normal juices they come packaged in, and poured in doubly sweet Kool-Aid. After marinating a while in the fridge, blood-red koolickles were born.

Apparently, this weird new thing was created in then Mississippi Delta. But their popularity has spread as far as Dallas and St. Louis. But in the Delta, where they were born, they have become big business.

In fact, there are those who are fighting over their right to sell them, as well as patent them. 

Whatever. I just think it's weird. 

Posted: Jul 01 2011, 01:43 PM by Red On The Head | with no comments
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Lohan gets a get-out-of-jail card – again

Well…it appears that despite her claims that her talent is acting, Lindsay Lohan has confirmed for us all that her talent is actually bullet dodging. 

Lohan tested positive for alcohol use in a random test, the dirty urine pointing to a probation violation. Lohan was ordered to court, where she claimed she had not been drinking alcohol, but instead had consumed kombucha tea, which although it is deemed non-alcoholic, contains .05 percent alcohol. 

Although Lohan's list of troubles with the law is long – the girl has, like, four mug shots now – this latest incident stems from charges that she took a necklace from a high-end jewelry store without permission. For the non-famous, this would be called shoplifting. She was sentenced to house arrest after pleading guilty to the crime. 

Lohan has continuously claimed that she wants to change, knows she did wrong and wants to do better…she keeps saying she's responsible and she's following the rules. She says she's doing what the judge ordered and she's just dying to get back to work.

This time, although she should have gone to jail, she got out of it because the order for random testing was issued by a past judge and not valid.

Not valid? Excuse me? So, if I commit a crime, and a judge sentences me to death, but then later I'm standing before another judge arguing my case, the second judge can't enforce the death sentence because it's no longer valid? Since when did they start stamping sentences with a validity stamp? Once a judge passes judgment, it's supposed to stick, no matter what. 

And what's worse, even though she's on house arrest, Lohan has given the justice system the finger by throwing house parties and filming commercials and interviews at her home. 

What can we learn from this whole fiasco, kiddos? We learn that as long as you're famous, you can get away with murder. Google it. Lohan's not the first. 

Posted: Jun 24 2011, 11:36 AM by Red On The Head | with no comments
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To the Class of 2011...

I read Amy Poehler's graduation speech the other day for the Class of 2011 at Harvard. The woman is a genius. Amidst the jokes, she told them that when they are feeling scared, hold someone's hands and look into their eyes. And when they're feeling brave, do the same thing.

Did I mention the woman's a genius?

So it got me to thinking…if I gave a commencement speech, what words of wisdom would I give? Here's what I've been thinking.

First of all, the commencement speeches I have heard in my lifetime have all said the same thing: You've accomplished much, now go out and do your best to accomplish more. Students were told to call their mothers, and that they are the future and they should "reach for the stars."

In other words….the same old thing. My speech would have to be different.

So I thought, when I graduated, what would I have wanted to know? No one asked me. They just started speechifying.

First of all, I think I'd want some useful advice. Like, don't microwave aluminum foil. And how to be prepared for the zombie apocalypse. I'd really be interested in that. I wish someone had told me to take advantage of my looks while I was in my 20s, such as they were. Now that I'm in my 40s, and I'm rolling up my boobs and stuffing them into my bra each day, I wish I'd known how to take advantage of them while they were perky.

I also wish someone had told me to slow down…that I had my whole life in front of me and I didn't have to accomplish everything by the time I was 30. Yeah. That would have been useful information to have.

I think that if I were the one speechifying, I would start with the things that have mattered the most to students while in school: grades, pizza, beer, the opposite sex, and freedom.

First of all, grades. You will be graded your entire life. In school, it was all A's and B's, etc. In your career, you will receive performance reviews. You won't get a letter stamped on a piece of paper or a gold star, but you will definitely be told how you're doing. Grades will still matter.

In your personal relationships, however, you'll find that grades are the last thing you should be worried about. Don't grade others and don't accept them grading you. Learn this now, and you'll have much more fulfilling relationships throughout your lifetime. Grades will still matter.

Pizza is the perfect food for a student. It contains all the basic food groups, and can be consumed for breakfast, lunch or dinner. It can be eaten hot or cold. You can even get it without leaving home. Sweet.

But here's the thing. Left sitting on its own, pizza gets hard and crusty. It can grow mold. It becomes useless. Same goes for your brain. If you don't continue to use it, it will also become useless, hard and crusty. Be a lifetime learner. Never stop asking questions, exploring new areas of knowledge, and challenging yourself to grow.

Beer is to a teenager what a slim waistline is to a fat chick. It's the ultimate goal – that elusive thing that you can't have, but don't want to be without. When you're underage, it's the thing you most want. When you're of age, it's the thing you most want. To students, being able to get beer is the ultimate sign of adulthood. If you can buy it, you've arrived.

I could say the expected, don't drink and drive, be responsible stuff. But instead, I prefer to look at it this way: don't give in. When it seemed everyone around me was drinking beer, I just didn't want to. Granted, it was because beer looks like horse pee to me. But the lesson here is that you just should do what's best for you. Figure that out, and stick to it, no matter what everyone else is doing.

The opposite sex will hold an appeal for you throughout your life. Men will always be from Mars, and women will always be from Venus. We'll never completely figure each other out. Anyone who tells you they have is lying.

There are a lot of young men and women out there who are just jumping from relationship to relationship. They are working hard at finding their Mr. Right or Miss Perfect. The reality is, those people don't exist.

The thing is that each time you jump from relationship to relationship, you give a piece of your heart away. And what's left gets broken time and time again. By the time you do find your someone special, all you have left to give that person is a banged up, cracked, chipped, duct-taped internal organ that looks like it's been through a war. And really, it has.

When it comes to the opposite sex, it's good to spend time with them. But guard your heart. Don't give it away to just anyone. Take your time, make sure they deserve it, and then, when the time and person is right, you'll be able to give your whole heart.

For students, freedom is everything. In high school, you're just starting to spread your wings. Very often, your struggle to take flight is what causes problems between you and your parents. You want to fly and they want to keep you close to the nest.

In college, you really get your first taste of freedom. You get to be on your own, no one telling you what to do, and you get to make your own choices.

But with that freedom comes responsibility. That's the thing they don't tell you. There are consequences for every action. Remember that. Each choice you make will impact your life at some point, whether it's now or in the future. Wise up and realize this now, and you'll have less regrets later.

The good thing about freedom is that the decisions you make can have positive impact as well, both on you and those around you. You can choose to live your life freely in such a way that others will benefit and grow, because of decisions you've made. This, people, is how we change the world.

And speaking of the world, here are my last words of wisdom; Rebuild the world; it's broken.

The generations that have come before you have caused the chaos and brokenness that you see all around you. It's time to break the cycle. You can rebuild the world.

And as a member of generations older than you, I quote to you the lyrics of Katy Perry...

You're from a whole other world,

A different dimension;

You open my eyes,

And I'm ready to go;

Lead me into the light.

Class of 2011, lead us into the light.

Posted: Jun 03 2011, 12:33 PM by Red On The Head | with no comments
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