January 2012 - Posts
When contemplating what I could write about this week, it occurred to me that I haven't written about my Southern heritage in a while. When I lived in Oregon, I used to teach my students in Sunday School a new Southern phrase or word each week. I had them speaking like they were from the South, y'all.
Here are some of my favorite Southern phrases:
• He's finer than frog hair split four ways.
• If you don't stop, I'll knock you in the head and tell God you died.
• He's so confused he doesn't know whether to scratch his watch or wind his butt.
• She's madder than a mule chewing' on bumblebees.
• He could even depress the devil.
• That boy's more slippery than snot on a glass doorknob.
• Well, they're off like a herd of turtles.
• He's so cute I could put him on a plate and sop him up with a biscuit.
• He stinks so bad he'd knock a buzzard off a gut wagon.
• He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
• She's as pretty as a speckled pup.
• He's drunker than ol' Cooter Brown.
• Last night sure was a frog strangler. (lots of rain)
• Well if that ain't true, grits ain't groceries.
• You better watch out or I'll cream your corn.
There's just something wonderful about being from the South. There's no other place in the world like it. I think Carlton Riley Smith got it right when he said, "A person doesn't have to live in the South to share good food with friends at the end of a warm day, when the breeze is just right, or to bask in the rewarding afterglow of a hard day's work in the garden. Southerners didn't invent these sorts of simple pleasures – we just refined them."
Back during the Christmas holidays, I went gadget shopping online for the perfect Christmas gift for a gadget-happy brother. And where do you turn for the perfect gadget someone hasn't got but can't live without? Why the SkyMall catalog, of course.
If you've ever flown, you probably are familiar with SkyMall. It's the catalog they place in the pocket on the back of the seat in front of you. You know, so you'll have something to keep your attention while you wait for the pilot to get clearance for take-off. It's filled with all sorts of goodies – things no one ever really needs. They are overpriced, but you can bet, no one you know has these items. Here are a few of my favorites…
• The Underwater Cellular Phone System – It'll come in handy when you need to call for help during a shark attack. And it's only $1,790.
• For those who have no friends or family, and who need reminding of that fact, there's the Box of Applause or Box of Laughter. It's only $24.95, and each box can provide hours of reassurance that you are loved and funny. Oh yeah…and the batteries are included.
• If you are tired of being teased because you are tan everywhere but your feet, then you need the Solafeet Foot Tanner. For only $229.99, you can get rid of your golfer's tan…finally.
• If you know someone who's a dinosaur buff, but doesn't have a dino head to mount on his den wall, then the T-Rex Dinosaur Trophy Sculp is for you. For a mere $79.95, you get a T-Rex head mounted to a lovely round frame – and it features the poor T-Rex's useless little front legs, which were obviously no help during the attack that led to its current state. Does not sing like that bass thing, though.
• If you're tired of bumping into things when you get up during the night to tinkle, then you need the Brightfeet Lighted Slippers for $39.95. These puppies feature a bright light mounted in the front, so you'll never have to fear the Boogie Man again when you get up for that 2 a.m. drink of water.
• Got a playlist for when you do No. 2 but sadly no way to blast your tunes? Then sob no more, because you can get the Toilet Paper iPod Holder for $99.99. It's billed as "the king of all iPod docking stations," and features speakers and a toilet paper holder. You'll have the dirtiest iPod in the world, but your ears will be happy.
• If you are a gardner, you know how difficult it can be to find garden sculptures that really speak to you. Gnomes are so overdone, and cupids, well, everyone's got 'em. But I bet no one in your neighborhood has the Big Foot Garden Yeti Sculpture. You can purchase this conversation starter for $98.95 – and it's in the classic Big Foot walking-through-the-forest-casually-captured-on-camera pose.
• Books are great. They can entertain you for hours. But all that reading can really tire you out. Thank goodness for the Levo Book Holder, that you can purchase for a mere $165.95. It's a stand that holds your book up in front of you. You'll have to hire a kid, however, to turn the pages for you.
I noticed it in the first movie…there was just something about Severus Snape. I found him, oddly enough, hot. As the movies from the Harry Potter franchise continued to be churned out, I continued to find Snape hot. I feared that not only was I alone, but that friends and family would disown me and label me completely mental.
I mean, after all, I read the books. The character of Snape, as created by J.K. Rowling, hasn't got a single drop of sexy on him. In fact, he's described as mean and ugly. But I have discovered that I am not alone. In fact, there are women all over the world, by the millions even, who are all hot and bothered for Snape. While many have embraced their obsession, there are those who are just downright confounded by it.
There's no doubt that ladies love Snape. Here's why, in my humble opinion, so many of the fairer sex want to get into Snape's robes…
• One of the biggest reasons is, without a doubt, Alan Rickman's voice. It is like velvety chocolate that wraps around you, warms you and then gives you that come-here index finger thing. Many would say that Rickman is average looking and, well, the man is 65. But his voice triggers a primal mating instinct in women everywhere. Don't believe me? Get on YouTube, and search for Rickman reading anything. Listen to it, then try and tell me what the plot was in what he just read. You won't be able to. Trust me. And besides…you know what they say about men with big noses.
• He's tall, dark and mysterious. What woman doesn't fantasize about that? Cliche? Yes. True? Ever so. Women in general like to discover what lies beneath the men their hearts beat for. And if he's mysterious and a tad bit on the scary side, all the better. Besides…Snape said, "I shall attempt to penetrate your mind and you shall attempt to resist me." Enough said.
• Women don't like nice guys. There are lots of nice guys out there who would attest to this, but the fact is, most women do like nice guys. But they also like the bad boys. Snape is the consummate bad boy. Women look at him and think that if they could only bite into the hard candy shell, they could get to his sweet chewy center. It's a total turn-on.
• Every woman likes a tortured soul. Let's face it, we women have a nurturing attitude. Who better to comfort than a man who has endured years of torture, ridicule and inner turmoil? We all know Snape hugs his pillow and cries every night because he's wounded and sensitive.
• Smart is sexy. Snape is, without a doubt, brilliant. Women find this attractive. Very attractive, indeed.
• Sarcastic is funny, and a dark sense of humor is strangely alluring. We all like our men to make us laugh – but if they add a little bitter, well…bitter chocolate has its own allure.
• Snape is noble. He does the right thing. He chooses to protect the son of the woman he loves, even though he knows he can never have her, and looking at her son with another man just reminds him of that fact. Girls love us some noble dudes – and there's no more noble dude than Severus, honey.
• Perhaps the No. 1 reason Snape is hot is that he is a romantic. Oh, you do have to bite into that hard candy coating to find this, but once you do, you find a love that is white hot. Snape loved the object of his affection until the day he died, despite everything. And everything he did was for her. This is what every cheesy romance novel is built on, right?
Snape was scorned by his peers, hated by his students and dissed by the woman he loved. He did all of this, knowing he would never be recognized for the hero he was. He sacrificed it all, willingly.
The question, therefore, is not, "Why is Snape hot?" It is, instead, "How long will women everywhere be obsessed with Severus Snape?"
The answer is simple: Always.