A Thin Line

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It's college football time in the South once again

College football is in full swing, and in the South, that means women's wardrobes have shifted. We've gone from trying to be cute and preppy every day, to being cute and preppy six days a week.

On the seventh day…the holiest of days…football Saturdays…we sport our school colors, but we do so in a style that is unique to us Southern gals. Don't understand why? Perhaps I can enlighten you, sugah, by pointing out the differences between how folks up North do things, in contrast to how us Southern folks do them.

Up North, women head to the stadium with Chapstick in their back pocket and a $20 bill in their front pocket. In the South, we carry our Coach bag containing two lipsticks, powder, waterproof mascara and concealer. A wallet is not necessary. That's what dates and/or cute fan boys are for.

As for our attire for these Saturdays in the stadium, up North, women wear a wooly sweater or sweatshirt and jeans. In the South, us girls opt for a cute little polka dot dress, in school colors, of course. Later on, when it's cooler, we'll shift to a fully coordinated outfit that may include boots, a cute jacket and coordinating jewelry.

In the North, fathers expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath. But in the South, fathers expect their daughters to understand pass interference. We are also expected to be demure and cute – until the referee makes a heinous call against our beloved boys on the field. We will then become loud, brash and downright nasty bee-otches.

Other things are different about college football season in the South. Up North, you can purchase tickets five days before the game. Down South, if you don't purchase your tickets five months in advance, you'll be put on the waiting list. 

Tailgating is also different. Up North, the parking lots for tailgating open up an hour or so before the game starts. But in the South, fans begin arriving on Wednesday to set up camp. On the menu? Up North, it's raw meat on the grill and a beer with a lime in it, while the radio blasts from the lowered tailgate. Down South, there's a 30-foot custom-built, pig-shaped smoker, which is fired up at dawn on game day. Up North, the stadium is almost empty before the game ends. Down South, as the game ends, another rack of ribs gets put on the smoker.

Our words are even different in the South. Up North, when there's a good play, a man will say, "Nice play." Down South, a man will say, "Dammit you slow sumbitch – tackle him and break his legs!!"

After that same play, Northern women will be heard saying, "My, this is a violent sport."

Southern women, however cute they are dressed, will say, "Dammit you slow sumbitch – tackle him and break his legs!!"

Happy Game Day! 

Posted: Oct 07 2011, 12:53 PM by Red On The Head | with no comments
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