Halloween is a weird holiday, if you think about it. You dress in costumes, go from place to place, begging. It's panhandling, basically.
Then there's the candy. On any other day, all the good parents are concerned about what their kids eat, and want them to eat as healthy as possible. They monitor their sugar intake, don't allow them to eat junk food, and watch how much they eat. But on Halloween, kids are allowed to eat a pillowcase full of sugary junk.
And don't forget about the tricks. On any other day, causing damage to someone's property would get you arrested. But on Halloween, it's encouraged. You can toilet paper a person's entire house, every tree and bush in the yard, mark all over the windows with soap, egg the house and cover the car in plastic wrap – and it's all good, clean fun. Yay, Halloween. The day kids can learn to vandalize.
Let us not forget adult behavior on this night of nights. We don't get the day off from work on this holiday, so we make up for it in bizarre behavior at night. Perfectly sane, normal human beings decorate their houses in the most macabre way – skeletons, graveyards, blood, gore…and then they sit and wait for strangers to knock on their doors. On any other day, we'd meet strangers at the door with a loaded shotgun. But not on Halloween.
Then there's the way adults dress on Halloween. Young women – and the ones that dress this way are getting younger every day – are dressing in the most provocative outfits they can find, leaving nothing to the imagination. It is completely acceptable, on this one day, to go to work dressed as a bunch of grapes or a male ballerina. On any other day, if your boss came to work with an ax in his head, you'd call the cops. But not on Halloween.
Halloween is one weird day, for sure. And I didn't even mention the whole slicing and gutting of pumpkins that is required, or that people pay to go into a dark place and be terrorized by others.
Regardless of how you feel about Halloween, I've decided that if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. You'll find me in my office on Halloween, dressed as my favorite gardner, Hairy Potter.
College football is in full swing, and in the South, that means women's wardrobes have shifted. We've gone from trying to be cute and preppy every day, to being cute and preppy six days a week.
On the seventh day…the holiest of days…football Saturdays…we sport our school colors, but we do so in a style that is unique to us Southern gals. Don't understand why? Perhaps I can enlighten you, sugah, by pointing out the differences between how folks up North do things, in contrast to how us Southern folks do them.
Up North, women head to the stadium with Chapstick in their back pocket and a $20 bill in their front pocket. In the South, we carry our Coach bag containing two lipsticks, powder, waterproof mascara and concealer. A wallet is not necessary. That's what dates and/or cute fan boys are for.
As for our attire for these Saturdays in the stadium, up North, women wear a wooly sweater or sweatshirt and jeans. In the South, us girls opt for a cute little polka dot dress, in school colors, of course. Later on, when it's cooler, we'll shift to a fully coordinated outfit that may include boots, a cute jacket and coordinating jewelry.
In the North, fathers expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath. But in the South, fathers expect their daughters to understand pass interference. We are also expected to be demure and cute – until the referee makes a heinous call against our beloved boys on the field. We will then become loud, brash and downright nasty bee-otches.
Other things are different about college football season in the South. Up North, you can purchase tickets five days before the game. Down South, if you don't purchase your tickets five months in advance, you'll be put on the waiting list.
Tailgating is also different. Up North, the parking lots for tailgating open up an hour or so before the game starts. But in the South, fans begin arriving on Wednesday to set up camp. On the menu? Up North, it's raw meat on the grill and a beer with a lime in it, while the radio blasts from the lowered tailgate. Down South, there's a 30-foot custom-built, pig-shaped smoker, which is fired up at dawn on game day. Up North, the stadium is almost empty before the game ends. Down South, as the game ends, another rack of ribs gets put on the smoker.
Our words are even different in the South. Up North, when there's a good play, a man will say, "Nice play." Down South, a man will say, "Dammit you slow sumbitch – tackle him and break his legs!!"
After that same play, Northern women will be heard saying, "My, this is a violent sport."
Southern women, however cute they are dressed, will say, "Dammit you slow sumbitch – tackle him and break his legs!!"
Happy Game Day!