Well…it appears that despite her claims that her talent is acting, Lindsay Lohan has confirmed for us all that her talent is actually bullet dodging.
Lohan tested positive for alcohol use in a random test, the dirty urine pointing to a probation violation. Lohan was ordered to court, where she claimed she had not been drinking alcohol, but instead had consumed kombucha tea, which although it is deemed non-alcoholic, contains .05 percent alcohol.
Although Lohan's list of troubles with the law is long – the girl has, like, four mug shots now – this latest incident stems from charges that she took a necklace from a high-end jewelry store without permission. For the non-famous, this would be called shoplifting. She was sentenced to house arrest after pleading guilty to the crime.
Lohan has continuously claimed that she wants to change, knows she did wrong and wants to do better…she keeps saying she's responsible and she's following the rules. She says she's doing what the judge ordered and she's just dying to get back to work.
This time, although she should have gone to jail, she got out of it because the order for random testing was issued by a past judge and not valid.
Not valid? Excuse me? So, if I commit a crime, and a judge sentences me to death, but then later I'm standing before another judge arguing my case, the second judge can't enforce the death sentence because it's no longer valid? Since when did they start stamping sentences with a validity stamp? Once a judge passes judgment, it's supposed to stick, no matter what.
And what's worse, even though she's on house arrest, Lohan has given the justice system the finger by throwing house parties and filming commercials and interviews at her home.
What can we learn from this whole fiasco, kiddos? We learn that as long as you're famous, you can get away with murder. Google it. Lohan's not the first.
I read Amy Poehler's graduation speech the other day for the Class of 2011 at Harvard. The woman is a genius. Amidst the jokes, she told them that when they are feeling scared, hold someone's hands and look into their eyes. And when they're feeling brave, do the same thing.
Did I mention the woman's a genius?
So it got me to thinking…if I gave a commencement speech, what words of wisdom would I give? Here's what I've been thinking.
First of all, the commencement speeches I have heard in my lifetime have all said the same thing: You've accomplished much, now go out and do your best to accomplish more. Students were told to call their mothers, and that they are the future and they should "reach for the stars."
In other words….the same old thing. My speech would have to be different.
So I thought, when I graduated, what would I have wanted to know? No one asked me. They just started speechifying.
First of all, I think I'd want some useful advice. Like, don't microwave aluminum foil. And how to be prepared for the zombie apocalypse. I'd really be interested in that. I wish someone had told me to take advantage of my looks while I was in my 20s, such as they were. Now that I'm in my 40s, and I'm rolling up my boobs and stuffing them into my bra each day, I wish I'd known how to take advantage of them while they were perky.
I also wish someone had told me to slow down…that I had my whole life in front of me and I didn't have to accomplish everything by the time I was 30. Yeah. That would have been useful information to have.
I think that if I were the one speechifying, I would start with the things that have mattered the most to students while in school: grades, pizza, beer, the opposite sex, and freedom.
First of all, grades. You will be graded your entire life. In school, it was all A's and B's, etc. In your career, you will receive performance reviews. You won't get a letter stamped on a piece of paper or a gold star, but you will definitely be told how you're doing. Grades will still matter.
In your personal relationships, however, you'll find that grades are the last thing you should be worried about. Don't grade others and don't accept them grading you. Learn this now, and you'll have much more fulfilling relationships throughout your lifetime. Grades will still matter.
Pizza is the perfect food for a student. It contains all the basic food groups, and can be consumed for breakfast, lunch or dinner. It can be eaten hot or cold. You can even get it without leaving home. Sweet.
But here's the thing. Left sitting on its own, pizza gets hard and crusty. It can grow mold. It becomes useless. Same goes for your brain. If you don't continue to use it, it will also become useless, hard and crusty. Be a lifetime learner. Never stop asking questions, exploring new areas of knowledge, and challenging yourself to grow.
Beer is to a teenager what a slim waistline is to a fat chick. It's the ultimate goal – that elusive thing that you can't have, but don't want to be without. When you're underage, it's the thing you most want. When you're of age, it's the thing you most want. To students, being able to get beer is the ultimate sign of adulthood. If you can buy it, you've arrived.
I could say the expected, don't drink and drive, be responsible stuff. But instead, I prefer to look at it this way: don't give in. When it seemed everyone around me was drinking beer, I just didn't want to. Granted, it was because beer looks like horse pee to me. But the lesson here is that you just should do what's best for you. Figure that out, and stick to it, no matter what everyone else is doing.
The opposite sex will hold an appeal for you throughout your life. Men will always be from Mars, and women will always be from Venus. We'll never completely figure each other out. Anyone who tells you they have is lying.
There are a lot of young men and women out there who are just jumping from relationship to relationship. They are working hard at finding their Mr. Right or Miss Perfect. The reality is, those people don't exist.
The thing is that each time you jump from relationship to relationship, you give a piece of your heart away. And what's left gets broken time and time again. By the time you do find your someone special, all you have left to give that person is a banged up, cracked, chipped, duct-taped internal organ that looks like it's been through a war. And really, it has.
When it comes to the opposite sex, it's good to spend time with them. But guard your heart. Don't give it away to just anyone. Take your time, make sure they deserve it, and then, when the time and person is right, you'll be able to give your whole heart.
For students, freedom is everything. In high school, you're just starting to spread your wings. Very often, your struggle to take flight is what causes problems between you and your parents. You want to fly and they want to keep you close to the nest.
In college, you really get your first taste of freedom. You get to be on your own, no one telling you what to do, and you get to make your own choices.
But with that freedom comes responsibility. That's the thing they don't tell you. There are consequences for every action. Remember that. Each choice you make will impact your life at some point, whether it's now or in the future. Wise up and realize this now, and you'll have less regrets later.
The good thing about freedom is that the decisions you make can have positive impact as well, both on you and those around you. You can choose to live your life freely in such a way that others will benefit and grow, because of decisions you've made. This, people, is how we change the world.
And speaking of the world, here are my last words of wisdom; Rebuild the world; it's broken.
The generations that have come before you have caused the chaos and brokenness that you see all around you. It's time to break the cycle. You can rebuild the world.
And as a member of generations older than you, I quote to you the lyrics of Katy Perry...
You're from a whole other world,
A different dimension;
You open my eyes,
And I'm ready to go;
Lead me into the light.
Class of 2011, lead us into the light.